But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
That means 56% of marriages are fatal.
Waking up at 4.30 am to milk the almonds.
Everyone knows Karl Marx for his work with communism, but nobody remembers his sister, Onyur, who invented the starter’s gun.
ANYA, man, ANYA.
Hah! Guess who is heavily medicated?
Well, I’m glad you’re friends with Karl Medds’s sister Anya.
I really hope my boss doesn’t find out.
…you know the drill.
Waiter: No sir, round.
Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.
Yes Sir, it’s just been ground.
You know dentists are more prone to depression; they’re always looking down in the mouth.
Narcissists don’t use light bulbs. They use gaslighting.
My preferred pronouns are ho/hum.
Those who proofread their posts, and those who do.
“…And here we have the elephant, the largest land animal in the world. Every day it eats three dozen bunches of bananas, six tons of hay, and two thousand pounds of assorted fruits…Madam, please do not stand next to the elephant…Madam, PLEASE do not stand so close to the elephant’s backside…MADAM…oh, fuck. George, start digging.”
What was that old joke about an elephant, and a monkey frantically trying to insert a cork?
Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
From pint A to pint B.
The answer is Nine, because they’re always the closest to the mean.
and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
“But it’s just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.”
When he left he was discharged.
No, it also takes guts.
Or a good heart.
It really takes some balls.
I hear it’s a very visceral experience.
He was a conductor, no doubt?
I’ve kept every poo I’ve ever done!
I really have my shit together.
He races out of bed, gets dressed, and is out the door in 5 minutes. He quickly gets to the lecture hall, and sits down just in time to receive a test.
Unbeknownst to him however, he had run to the wrong room: the Law lecture hall. The student reads over the first question, assured in his ability, but is shocked when he doesn’t understand the first question:
“Advice offered to the court by a third party.”
Why is this on my medical test? He thinks. The man glances over to his right in askance, but sees the other students diligently writing. Determined to not make a fool of himself, he writes “prescription”.
He reads the next question:
“An admission of guilt on the principle of not contesting the charges.”
He glances around again, confused, and ends up writing “c-section”.
He reaches the third question, and is well and truly lost.
”The principle that recognizes legal practices, regardless of whether they are codified.”
He writes down “delivery”, but then leans over to ask another student for help. The other student glances at his paper, and says:
“It’s not delivery! It’s de jure, no?”
saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them!
When you show up at someone’s door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff.
When his doctor is finished, he shakes his head. “Bill, you’re a 60 year old man, you have the body of a guy in his 40’s. You’re in better health than most patients I see. I have to ask - how old was your dad when he died?”
“WHAT?”, Bill bellows, “Who says Dad’s dead?” The doctor starts to stammer an apology, but Bill continues, “He’s 82, still working, and is also in great shape! He’s entering a weightlifting competition in August!”
“That’s amazing,” the doctor replies. “So then, how old was your grandfather when he passed?”
“WHAT?”, Bill roars again, “Who said Grampa’s dead? He’s 109, runs Meals on Wheels for people decades younger than him, he owns a sailboat, and he’s getting married to a 30 year old woman next month!”
The doctor is floored. “That’s impressive, Bill.” He pauses. “I still have a question though. Why would a guy who’s 109 want to get married to a 30 year old woman?”
“HA!” Bill chortles. “Who said he WANTED to get married?”
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?
The husband says, Change the battery in your hearing aid.’
I picked up my phone and asked Alexa a question. She said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
So I tried again. She said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
Then it dawned on me, I’d left my phone in Airplane mode.