He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 8 inaccuracies on one hand.
I had to study day and night.
They’re ribbet for her pleasure.
True story, here: When I was in grad school, a couple of summers I taught the lab section of an astronomy course. This being Montana in the summer, it didn’t get dark until very late, so the lab was scheduled from 10 to midnight. And the lecture that went with the lab was at 8 AM the next morning.
Why do pigs wearing black never get bullied?
Because Batman took a pledge to protect goth ham.
Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says “Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It’s been a couple days without food. You understand, right?”
The moose says “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I’ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?”
The wolf says “Of course”
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says “I don’t even know why the hell I looked. I can’t even read.”
He got the sack.
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.”
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and your are going to Chicago, Illinois.”
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You’re a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle.”
The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life.”
She sat down again. From nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again”.
Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to break wind”.
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong “I never broke wind in public a day in my life!”
Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it again.”
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.”
The Awesome Power of a Wife’s Love
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
“Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”
Got up to check, but the mirror wasn’t working.
The performer sees them arrive and since they’re at the back of the crowd asks them if they can see properly.
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Si.”
“Ja.”
he would pronounce his name like “Sawn.”
His mother explained, "no dear, the S makes a “SH” sound.
And the resht is hishtory.
The 10 funniest lines from the 2022 Edinburgh Fringe Festival, as judged by the public:
I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta – Masai Graham (52%)
Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it’s next day delivery? – Mark Simmons (37%)
My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock – Olaf Falafel (36%)
By my age my parents had a house and a family and, to be fair to me so do I, but it is the same house and the same family – Hannah Fairweather (35%)
I hate funerals. I’m not a mourning person – Will Mars (34%)
I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back – Olaf Falafel (33%)
I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx – Richard Pulsford (29%)
I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery – Tim Vine (28%)
Don’t knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate – Sophie Duker (27%)
I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days – Will Duggan (25%)
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody.
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing bloke.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do anything.”
Passenger. “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him ?”
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow."
I wept because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.
God, I hated that guy.
Turns out I’m lack-toes intolerant.
It was made from tar and animal fat and painted old. The wearer was a 6’ tall priestess.
Comment: Do. Not. Remove. The. Golden. Eye. From. The. Unnaturally. Large. Holy. Woman’s. SKELETON.
Please.
Peer pressure from dead people.
Gutenberg: I have invented the printing press.
Printing Press: You’re out of magenta.
Victorian writers: He was, in the way of men, possessed of a rudimentary intelligence, his countenance ordinary, his bearing mild, with some weakness about the shoulders, his hair the color of ash; he spoke of the weather.
so I showed her photos of it, assuming she’d recognize the look but not the name, etc., and she was just like, “This is pathetic; your ancestors were small and weak.”
when Vikings learn Latin and use it to shout at Germans.
that there was not enough orange sauce with his veal.
His wife Elizabeth retorted that if he wanted more orange sauce then perhaps he shouldn’t have gone to war with Spain since that was the source of England’s oranges.
Just completely jacked with knowledge of the past. Bulging on Mesopotamia. A real linguistic anthropology beefcake. Shredded paleopathology stud. An absolute Renaissance unit.
[All the above from Bored Panda]
should that be gold ?
Some comments in a political Pit thread reminded me of this one.
Jesus is teaching when a crowd of people bring forth an adulterous woman whom they think should be stoned for her sins.
Jesus says “Let those among you who are without sin cast the first stone.”
The crowd is silenced. Then, from out of the middle of the crowd comes flying a large rock which hits the woman squarely in the forehead.
Jesus peers into the crowd, sighs, and says “You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off!”
Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret, at age 83 looked him over and replied, “Nope.”
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yells out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied in a calm voice.
"IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Maybe You shoulda bought a new hat.”
Yes, it should.
I need to know the cut-off date.
That was a third degree burn.
They’re all third world countries here.
Guy is walking down the street when he wants to check the time, and realizes his watch has stopped. Luckily, there’s a storefront up ahead with a bunch of clocks in the window.
He goes in and holds up the watch, saying “My watch just broke–”
The shopkeeper behind the counter interrupts him with “Yeah, sorry. We don’t fix watches here.”
The guy says “Then what do you do?” The shopkeeper responds “Well, I’m a mohel.” “So what’s with the clocks?” “What would you put in the window?”
Was the shop next to a seafood restaurant famous for its calamari?
Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.