What’s the longest sentence?
I do.
What’s the longest word in Spanish?
Goooooooooooooooal!
I’ve been offered a management position at Old MacDonald’s farm.
I’m gonna be the CIEIO.
Doctor, I’ve got mustard in my eyes and I can’t see a thing.
Doctor: any other symptoms?
Me: no, but I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before
Doctor: French mustard?
Me: yes, why?
Doctor: It’s dijon view.
What does the sofa say when you jump on it?
COUCH!
“Tom” sits in clubhouse bar thinking about his last extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking aloud. “Not worth it” he muttered, "never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk.”
A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over heard Tom’s words leaned across and said, “Come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf.”
Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no mulligans, improving their lies, etc. After a few holes, one guy’s ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, “We agreed that we would not improve our lie.”
No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.
So the man went to the cart and got a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6-feet from the pin.
“Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?” The man answered, “I used YOUR 7-iron!!!”
Juniper berries.
If you were 1 when Red Red Wine was released
UB40
I changed my g-mail password to “my dick” -
But Google said it was too short.
I used to hate chiropractors until I went to see one for my back
Now I stand corrected
A woman and her 13-year-old son were inside a Taxi.
It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside.
The Boy asked, “Mommy, what are all those women doing?
His Mother replied, “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work.”
The Taxi driver turned around and said, “Why don’t you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money."
The Boy’s eyes got wide and asked, “Mommy, is that true?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied, “Yes.!!”
After a few minutes, the boy asked, “Mommy, what happens to the babies those women have?”
She replied, “Most of them become Taxi drivers."
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests
so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times.
Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Nurse: You’ve been in a coma since 1995
Great! My Internet Explorer page should have loaded.
Yesterday I saw a variation of that. It was something like…
If you were 8 when Rock Lobster was released you B-52.
What does an angel say at a pastry shop?
“Donut be afraid.”
A guy came home to his best friend and wife in bed
He pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em
Next morning, his friend went down to the jail
He said, “Fred, don’t take it so hard”
He said, “It could have been worse”
He said, “What you mean, it could have been worse?”
He said, “Man, two people dead. I might get the electric chair. You tell me it could have been worse?”
He said, “Yeah, baby. It could have been worse.”
He said, “What you mean?”
He said, “Hell, if you’d have came Thursday instead of Friday, you’d have gotten me too.”
I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world…
But it’s definitely up there.
I have finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.
All it was doing was gathering dust.
What’s the difference between civil engineers and mechanical engineers?
Mechanical engineers build missiles, civil engineers build targets.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat mate.
Three nuns were riding together and were in a horrific car accident and, unfortunately, all three died. At the gates of heaven all three asked to be admitted. St. Peter said that all they had to do was answer a question correctly. He asked the first nun-who was the first man. To which the nun replied-Adam, the trumpets blasted, the lights flashed and the gates of heaven opened.
He asked the second nun-who was the first woman. She replied-Eve, the trumpets blasted, the lights flashed and the gates of heaven opened.
Due to his quota, St. Peter figured he must ask some more difficult questions. So he asked the third nun, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam. The nun scratched her chin and said, “Boy, that’s a hard one.” The trumpets blasted…
What has a hundred legs and a cherry?
Fifty sorority girls and a manhattan.
I feel I need to post this…*
It was a hot July day at Willow Springs for the Under 400cc 2-stroke Championship. The race was about 3/4 run when the announcer comes over the PA and says, “There is a Yamaha rider, number 42, on the side of the track at the pit entrance who is overheated!”
The team manager yells for one of the crew to grab a couple of bottles and head down the pit lane. The guy is running down the tarmac and catches up to a medical guy who is carrying water and Gatoraide. The medic looks and sees the wrencher is toting two bottles of coolant. He looks at the mechanic and yells, “You can’t let him drink Anti-Freeze! That will kill him!”
The mechanic replies, “He’s riding an RZ, not an RD!”
-
Jokes nobody gonna get
I once read how the different English classes would react to this situation:
A lower-class man would beat them both up.
A middle-class man would beat his wife.
An upper-class man would get undressed and join them.
Jesus drove a Honda, but never talked about it.
“For I speak not of my own Accord” - John 12:49
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Who is that guy Rorschach?
…and why did he paint so many pictures of my mother…?
His father, however, burned up the desert in his Triumph.
Dating in 1960
You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this…
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Ted had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. “Oh, come on in!” Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Ted in.
“So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?” she asked.
“Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…”
“Peggy likes to screw, you know,” Mom informed him.
“Is that so?” asked Ted, incredulous.
“Yes,” said the mother. “As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!”
“Well, thanks for the tip,” Ted said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
“Have fun, kids,” the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
“The TWIST, Mom!” she angrily yelled at her mother.
“THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!”
An old man goes to a sperm bank to offer a donation.
The receptionist tells him “Sorry, you’re too old” but the old guy insists.
“Give me your largest jar” he says “I’ll fill it to the top”
Eventually, the receptionist agrees.
So the old guy goes behind the curtain … the receptionist waits… and waits … and waits. Several hours go past.
Eventually, she goes to see whats wrong. She opens the curtain, and there she finds the old guy, red faced, out of breath.
“Its no good” he pants. "I can’t do it. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. I pulled it. I pushed it. I twisted it clockwise. I twisted it anticlockwise. I shook it. I turned it this way. I turned it that way. I even hit it against the wall a few times, but I just can’t do it…
I just can’t get this friggin jar open"