What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kung fu master?
Lamb chops
Why did the chicken bounce across the road?
It was a rubber chicken.
What was on the robot’s tombstone?
Rust In Peace
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Lifehack: Give your child a normal name
Me: Are you upset because we named you “Lifehack”?
not mine, originally by Jonny Sun
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To see a friend Gregory Peck.
I confess to being totally baffled by this one.
mmm
That one is not actually a joke, its real life. IIRC, there was a news article about an archeological find, a golden prosthetic eye worn by a 6’ tall priestess.
A reader’s comment to the article was the warning to not remove the golden eye from the holy woman’s skeleton, because, obviously, something horrible would happen to the people who did such a thing. At least, that’s how it is in the movies.
Exactly so.
What is the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side.
My girlfriend said I never understand what she says.
Now what’s all that about?
1 wife is a mystery. 2 wives is a bigamystery.
Why does Leonardo DiCaprio want nothing to do with the movie “Titanic”?
Because it just turned 25.
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die.
“Usually an overdose”, I said.
Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he rode it?
Because he made a Wookiee mistake.
How does a Trump supporter explain why they cannot perform in bed?
Erection fraud.
My daughter wants a pet spider for her birthday
I went to the pet store, and the owner said “that’ll be $200 please”,
I said “$200? It’ll be cheaper getting one off the web”.
I heard the people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones…
But people in nearby Abu Dhabi do.
My penis is so big…
when I place it on the keyboard, it goes from A to Z!
Oh, wait a minute…
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them will pass through the Pearly Gates.
Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God and plastic surgeons ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity”.
St. Peter thanks Dolly and asks the Queen the same question.
Elizabeth takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then she pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
St. Peter says, “Elizabeth Windsor, you may enter”.
Dolly is outraged and asked,“What was that all about, I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me”?
“Sorry, Dolly” says St. Peter, “but even in Heaven a Royal Flush beats a Pair no matter how big they are”.
A man walked into a bar…
…and thus was disqualified from the limbo competition.
I bumped into an old, deaf friend yesterday.
Him: Hi, wanna hear a joke?
Me: Yeah.
Him. Me too.
Wife: I told you not to get that Lego set, yet you did!
Husband: You are starting to sound like my ex-wife.
Wife: I didn’t know you were married earlier…?
Husband: I wasn’t.
Roland, a businessman, is on his deathbed
so he calls his friend and says, ‘Eli, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.’
‘And what,’ Eli asks, ‘do you want me to do with your ashes?’
Roland replies, 'Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, ‘Now you have everything.’
My wife came home from work yesterday and was raging about her boss.
She said to me, “I’m never going to work for that man again!”.
I asked her, “Why, what did he say to you?”
She said, “You’re fired.”
The Story of Creation as told by Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy, and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Chuck Norris actually died four years ago
Death just hasn’t worked up the courage to tell him yet.
Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.
I …don’t know what to make of it.
My sex-life is like Coca Cola…
…first it was normal, then it was light and now it’s zero!
Mine’s vanilla.
Wasn’t it Cherry Cola at first?
…slowly backs out of the thread…