September 15th is National Camouflage Day.
I hope I don’t see anyone celebrating.
Did anyone else know September is Deaf Awareness Month?
I’d never heard of it.
What do you call carving a pumpkin in September?
Premature ejackolantern.
I saw a microbiologist today.
He was much bigger than I expected.
Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.
The vet said, “I have good news and bad news…”
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Apparently not.
A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven…
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. “Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully.”
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, “Did Bush do 9/11?”
God replies, “Bush did not plan the attacks. 9/11 was perpetrated by Al-Qaeda and orchestrated by Osama Bin Laden. No bombs were planted in the Twin Towers, and no missiles hit the Pentagon. The U.S. government had no foreknowledge of the attacks whatsoever.”
The conspiracy theorist thinks to himself, this goes even deeper than I thought…
Sermon
There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help.
The wise old Bishop said, “Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, ‘Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,’ that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love.”
The young priest decided to take the advice.
The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, “Last night I was in the arms of a hot woman,” he paused.
The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem.
He said in conclusion, “Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!”
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:
with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
Bob and John are out golfing. After a few holes John pulls out a cigar. He digs through his golf bag but can’t find a lighter. He asked Bob if he had a lighter. He goes into his bag and pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter. John asked where did you get such a big lighter? Bod said from his genie! He open the side pouch on his golf bag and the genie popped out. He asked if the genie could grant him one wish. Bob said sure and John asked the genie for a million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkened and thousands of ducks landed by John’s feet.
Bob said " I forgot to tell you that the genie was hard of hearing. Did you really think I asked for a 12" Bic"
Here’s the way that I heard it:
This guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist.
He sets the tiny piano down at the bar, and the tiny pianist starts playing up a storm. The bartender looks at the man and says, “That’s amazing, where did you get that?” The man replies, “There’s a genie outside your bar that will grant you one wish.”
The bartender runs outside and sure enough there is a genie. Without hesitation the bartender says “Genie, I wish for a million bucks!” The genie snaps his fingers and disappears. Instantly, a million ducks fly overhead.
The bartender walks back inside and says, “Hey man, I think there’s something wrong with that genie. I asked for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks.”
The man says, “You’re telling me. You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
Ahem. Aerospace engineers…
I hate double standards.
Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
One good thing about Germany:
Children are Kinder over there.
Teen pregnancy?
More like child labor.
I used to be against organ transplants.
But I’ve had a change of heart.
Why you don’t have Surprise parties for squids - Edward Steed
Which animal swears the most?
The hippopottymouth.
My wife and I are both unemployed.
My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we’re all staying in my grandma’s place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I’ll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.
Sincerely,
William, Prince of Wales
If you have a cat
and seem to be having allergy issues simply wash your cat three times a day
And it will leave.
When a clock goes forward it says “tik-tak”.
When the Russian army goes backwards it says “tak-tik”.
Nice one! But I see he’s just inherited an estate worth a billion dollars…
How do you make leaves fall off of trees?
You don’t - they do it autumn-atically
I learned today that three of the guys
who performed on “Rosanna” and “Africa” also played on “Dust in the Wind”.
A music journalist asked them why they joined the new band and they said:
“Toto? We aren’t in Kansas anymore”.
How can Thanos speak English?
The Rosetta Stone.
Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia,
a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. And he did this by hiding the bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody - apart from himself - a lot. When I first heard that story my instinctive reaction was, that is definitely the world’s greatest missed opportunity for a pull-my-finger joke.
–John Oliver
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy.
The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
– Craig Ferguson
Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy.
Can you imagine what your boys would say? “Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!”
– Kevin Barnett
I have just found out that I’m allergic to cats.
Either that or I undercooked it.
Why are calendar puns so bad?
Because they are always so week and dated.
I’m thinking of writing a mystery novel.
Or am I?
Have you ever seen elephants hiding up in trees?
No?
That’s 'cause they’re really good at it!