Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A. To stamp out grass fires.
Q. Why do elephants have flat feet.
A. To stamp out burning ducks.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
You ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
Works, doesn’t it!
My friend was painting yellow zig-zag lines on the road outside his house.
“Why are you doing that,” I asked.
“To keep the lions away,” he said.
“There are no lions here.”
“See how effective it is.”
On the train to a math and engineering convention, a group of math majors and a group of engineering majors sat in the same car. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket, but it became clear that he group of engineers had only ONE ticket amongst them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.
When one of the engineers said “Here comes the conductor”, all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said “tickets please” and collected tickets from all the math majors. He then went to the bathroom, knocked on the door and said “ticket please” and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and left, and the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid.
So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for this time the whole group had NO tickets amongst them.
When the engineer lookout said “Conductor coming!”, all the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Just before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said “ticket please.”
Arrrr reminder… Monday, September 19th is Talk Like A Pirate Day.
That’s been cancelled in the UK as a mark of respect to HM QE II.
(probably)
I met my wife at the glue factory where we both worked.
We bonded immediately.
What do you call a man in debt?
Owen.
What is it called when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
“We offer Arrrr! condolences at this time of great national sorrow. Me hearties.”
Rumour has it that the Bishop of Truro is being called in to take the service on Monday.
You really shouldn’t invest in funeral homes.
It’s a dying industry.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Do you know how to make light from water?
Wash your windows.
Two nuclear scientists were married.
She was radiant; he was glowing.
What’s the least-spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day…
Give a fish a man, it’ll eat for a week.
Avast, my hearties! It be Talk Like A Pirate Day, arrr!
1. How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think, therefore they ARRRR!
2. Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
3. How do you save a dying pirate?
CPARRRRR
4. How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
5. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.
6. Why did the pirate go on vacation?
He needed a little arrrrg and arrrg
7. What kind of grades did the pirate get in school?
High Cs
8. Where do pirates keep their valuables?
In a jarrrrr
9. What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
10. What does the pirate say when his leg gets stuck in the freezer?
Shiver me timbers!
11. Why’d the pirate join Gold’s Gym?
To improve his booty
12. How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheap?
He bought it on sail.
13. How do you turn a pirate furious?
Take away the “p.”
14. What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved.
15. What’s the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?
One has a rumbling tummy, and the other’s a tumbling rummy.
16. What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?
8 pirates.
17. What does a dyslexic pirate say?
RRRRRRA!
18. How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?
A buck-an-ear.
19. What’s a pirate’s least favorite veggie?
Leeks
20. Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches under the ground?
Because booty is only shin deep
21. What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
You’d think it be R, but his first love will always be the C.
“If you’re a pirate, where are your buccaneers?”
“They be on the sides of me buckin’ 'ead!”
Dr Strange: Knock knock.
Dormammu: Who’s there?
Dr Strange: Door mom.
Dormammu: Door mom who?
Dr Strange: I’ve come to bargain.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
A man walks into a laxative shop.
At checkout, the cashier asks, “Are you a new customer?”
The man replies, “No, I’m fairly regular.”
I don’t get the Dr. Strange one. (Superhero movies are all the same to me, so I miss things.)
Not true–but a pirate only tells their favorite letter to their captain.
Go ahead: pretend you’re my captain, and order me to tell you my favorite letter.
Spoilers for the 1st Dr. Strange movie. The title pretty much sums up the joke you didn’t get, though.
Thanks.
What do you call a 12th century monk with a flamethrower?
A friar-fighter.
An American, an Australian and an Irishman were on Sale of the Century
It was a close game, and it came down to a three-way tie breaker, so the host said “I want you to finish the song title, and spell it out for me. Old MacDonald had a What?”
The American, quick as a flash, hit his buzzer and said “Ranch. R-A-N-C-H”.
“Good spelling, but that’s the wrong answer” replied the host.
The Aussie buzzed in and said “Station. S-T-A-T-I-O-N”.
“Again, good spelling, but that’s no the answer we’re looking for” the host said.
Just then, the Irishman excitedly hit his buzzer and yelled out “I know, I know! Old MacDonald Had A Farm! E-I-E-I-O!”
In the 15th century, the end of the plague was celebrated by mass orgies…
Anything similar being prepared for Covid? I’m asking for a friend…