Q: What do you call a woman who has a pint of ale balanced on her head?
A: Beatrix
Q: Why should you never buy trousers from the Ukraine?
A: Because Chernobyl Fallout
Huh?
[Discourse]
Beer tricks.
I know.
I was reading it ‘be a tricks’. I should have guessed from the second one he was speaking with an accent.
Like your cousin from Boston?
I order you to tell me your favorite letter, Matey!
I, I, Cap’n!
I just made this up/made this. [Click for entire rebus.]
Q: What do you call a woman who has a pint of ale balanced on a pool cue?
A: Beatrix Potter
I thought you Americans were the ones with the accents…
All these crap jokes and it’s mine you groan at!?
I don’t afford that level of compliment to everyone !
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A happy pitbull
My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
“How much do you love me?” she asked.
I said, “Look into the sky and count the stars. That’s how much I love you.”
“But the sun is shining!” she said.
“There you go.”
Some Russian anti-war jokes
- “Partial mobilization” is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.
- “Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?” “I don’t know, son, I’m not into politics.”
- For a long time, the government told us, “if you don’t like Russia, go to another country.” Now they tell us, “if you like Russia, go to the trenches.”
- We gave Putin our freedoms in exchange for prosperity and security. Now we have neither freedom, nor prosperity, nor security.
- Can we have go back the last year, when we were told to stay home and self-isolate?
- So, if my two neighbours next door conduct a referendum over who my house belongs to, and I get outvoted 2-1, it’s the “democratic vote of the people” and my home is now theirs?
- They call a war a “special operation”, they call bombings “loud noises”, they call a rout “a regroup”. I guess now they’ll be calling forced conscription as an “all-expense paid vacation abroad.”
- Mom used to tell me, “avoid strange men on the street, they might give you drugs.” Now she tells me, “avoid strange men on the street, they might give you a conscription notice.”
- The generals told me, “we don’t abandon our own.” I thought they meant that they wouldn’t abandon me. Now I know that they meant I’m not one of their own.
- The government told me, “if you don’t like Putin, you can always vote for someone else.” But it’s rather hard to do, when all the candidates I want to vote for are in prison.
My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.
“That’s amazing.”
“Not really. That’s when it fell on top of him.”
“In what state were you born?”
“Well, I…I was naked.”
I got a job that pays in vegetables
The celery is great.
True story: There’s a musician who always comes to play at the local Farmers’ Market, and as musicians do, he always puts out a tip jar. By the end of the evening, it’s always full of fresh produce.
A girl knocked on my door today…
Asking for a donation for the local swimming pool…. so I gave her a glass of water.
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, “Has my brother been in for a drink here today?”
The barman looks at the penguin and says, “I’m not sure. What does he look like?”
Not saying my local pub is rough…
but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi.
With apologies to David Sedaris: two Catholic priests are taking an Uber to the airport. The car is inexplicably pulled over by the police. The priest roll the window down and a slightly breathless cop pokes his head in: “I’m looking for two child molesters!” The one priest looks at the other, turns back with a slightly grim smile, “OK, we’ll do it!”