A professor told me that you could make a small fortune as an organic farmer. As long as you started with a large fortune.
How do math teachers scold their children?
“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times!”
A recent finding by statisticians
shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaaa!
And how many people heard that in their head with the Minions singing it?
What’s the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?
You’ll get autumn’y ache.
What do you call it when an ambulance crashes into the side of a hospital?
A medical breakthrough…
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
Three brothers bought a cattle ranch shortly after their father died. They decided to call the ranch “Focus” because that’s where the mourning sons raise meat.
Back in the early Middle Ages, the Roman Pope was persuaded by some of his more conservative advisers to endure no longer the presence of Jews in the very heart and core of world Christianity. The Jews of Rome were therefore ordered evicted from their homes by a certain date.
To the Jews of Rome this was a great tragedy, for they knew no refuge where they might not expect worse treatment than in Rome. They appealed to the Pope for reconsideration and the Pope, a fair-minded man, suggested a sporting proposition. If the Jews would appoint one of their own number to engage in a debate with him, in pantomime, and if the Jewish representative were to win the debate, the Jews might remain.
The Jewish leaders gathered in the synagogue that night and considered the proposition. It seemed the only way out but none of their number wished to volunteer to debate. As the chief rabbi said, “It is impossible to win a debate in which the Pope will be both participant and judge. And how can I face the possibility that the eviction of the Jews will be the result of my specific failure?”
The synagogue janitor, who had been quietly sweeping the floor through all this, suddenly spoke up. “I’ll debate,” he said.
They stared at him in astonishment. “You, a cheap janitor,” said the chief rabbi, “debate with the Pope?”
“Someone has to,” said the janitor, “and none of you will.”
So in default of anyone else, the janitor was made the representative of the Jewish community and was appointed to debate with the Pope.
Then came the great day of the debate. In the square before St. Peter’s was the Pope, surrounded by the College of Cardinals in full panoply, with crowds of bishops and other churchly functionaries. Approaching was the Jewish janitor, surrounded by a few of the leaders of the Jewish community in their somber black garb and their long gray beards.
Pope faced janitor, and the debate began.
Gravely, the Pope raised one finger and swept it across the heavens. Without hesitation the janitor pointed firmly toward the ground, and the Pope looked surprised.
Even more gravely, the Pope raised one finger again, keeping it firmly before the janitor’s face. With the trace of a sneer, the janitor raised three fingers, holding the pose just as firmly, and a look of deep astonishment crossed the Pope’s face.
The Pope brought out an apple and the janitor pulled out a piece of matzah.
At this, the Pope exclaimed in a loud voice, “The Jewish representative has won the debate. The Jews may remain in Rome.”
The janitor backed off, the Jewish leaders surrounded him, and all walked hastily out of the square.
They were no sooner gone than the church leaders clustered about the Pope. “What happened, Your Holiness?” they demanded. “We did not follow the rapid give-and-take.”
The Pope passed a shaking hand across his brow. “The man facing me,” he said, “was a master at the art of debate. Consider! I began the debate by sweeping my hand across the sky to indicate that God ruled all the universe. Without pausing an instant, that old Jew pointed downward to indicate that nevertheless the Devil had been assigned a dominion of his own below.”
"I then raised one finger to indicate there was but one God, assuming I would catch him in the error of his own theology. Yet he instantly raised three fingers to indicate that the one God had three manifestations, a clear acceptance of the doctrine of the Trinity.
“Abandoning theology, I produced an apple to indicate that certain blind upholders of so-called science were flying in the face of revealed truth by declaring the Earth was as round as an apple. Instantly, he produced a flat piece of unleavened bread to indicate that the Earth, in accord with revelation, was nevertheless flat. So I granted him victory.”
By now, the Jews and the janitor had reached the ghetto. All surrounded the janitor, demanding, “What happened?”
The janitor said indignantly, “The whole thing was nonsense. Listen. First the Pope waves his hand like he’s saying ‘The Jews must get out of Rome.’ So I point downward to say ‘Oh yeah? The Jews are going to stay right here.’ Then he points his finger at me as if to say ‘Drop dead, but the Jews are leaving.’ So I point three fingers at him to say ‘Drop dead three times, the Jews are staying.’ So then I see he’s taking out his lunch, so I take out mine.”
I belong to an autopsy club.
Tonight is open Mike night.
Imagine the uproar if Blazing Saddles was made today.
People would say “This is plagiarism, make your own movie”.
I wanted to tattoo ‘do not resuscitate’ on my chest but my parents were completely adamant I didnt:
I respected their wishes so tattooed ‘I’m uninsured’ on my chest instead.
Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
The Pizza
Wait, no…
I meant the delivery.
I have said for quite a while that they couldn’t make “Blazing Saddles” today. I think Mel Brooks made “Paws of Fury: The Legend of Hank” just to prove me wrong. That movie was such a remake that Richard Pryor got a screenwriting credit!
I have long thought that this joke was the least funny and most intellectually satisfying joke that I know. But that was without the word “mourning,” which raises both aspects to a whole new level. Thank you!
You’re welcome.
__
A group of guys, all aged about 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were pretty.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
That’s just sad.
So you haven’t been there? Me either. Let’s have lunch!
Lunch? Okay! Where do you wanna go?
I love meeting new friends every day. What did you say your name was again?
I did a Google search for Alzheimer’s…
But for some reason all the links were already purple.
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers…
“Hello.”
“Mrs. Joshi, please.”
“Speaking.”
"Mrs. Joshi, this is Doctor Kanitkar from Max Laboratory.
When your husband’s doctor sent his blood sample to the lab last week, a blood sample from another Mr. Joshi arrived as well…
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way, the results are not too good."
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Joshi asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s (memory loss) and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can’t tell which is which."
“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Joshi.
“Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommends that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him!
I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer’s disease
She says she doesn’t remember what she ever saw in me
A comic performed at a nursing home. He told his first joke, and it killed. As an experiment, he told the same joke again, and again, the residents roared with laughter.
He kept repeating the same joke over and over, and each time it was met with much laughter.
After his set, one of the residents came up to pay him a compliment. “You are SO funny,” said the senior citizen, “but how on earth do you remember all those jokes?”
An elderly couple are at home watching TV. The old man says “I’m going to fix myself a bowl of ice cream. Would you like some?” His wife says “Sure, I would love some.” So the old man heads off to the kitchen.
A few minutes later he comes back and says “I’m going to put some chocolate syrup on mine. What about you?” His wife replies “That sounds good.” And off he goes.
Shortly after he’s back. “How about some whipped cream?” His wife says “Whipped cream sounds lovely.” So heads back to the kitchen again.
A minute later he’s back. “I’m putting a cherry on top of mine. Do you want one?” “Yes, I’ll have a cherry” she responds.
The old man is puttering around in the kitchen for quite a long time. Finally he comes back into the living room carrying two plates loaded with scrambled eggs, bacon, and hash browns. He hands one of the plates to his wife, who looks at the plate, then at her husband, and says “Where the hell is my toast?”
An old man is telling his friends about a restaurant where he and his wife had a very enjoyable dinner, but he can’t remember the name of the place. He says “What’s the name of that flower, they’re really pretty and smell nice, and they have thorns?”
One of his buddies says “A rose?”
The old man says “Yes, that’s it!” Then he yells over his shoulder “Rose? What’s the name of that restaurant where we ate?”