Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.
Genie: “I grant you three wishes.”
Trump: “I’m tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts.”
Genie: “Granted. You have no wishes left.”
Trump: “What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!”
Genie: “Sue me.”
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.
Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.
A man told the doctor, “My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it.”
The doctor said, “It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy.”
“What’s a grudge pregnancy?” asked the man.
The doctor replied, “Well, somebody’s obviously had it in for you.”
As I was driving home from work last night, I saw a bumper sticker that said “I am a veterinarian, so I can drive like an animal”.
Suddenly I realized how many proctologistsare on the road.
If I could be an animal for one day
I think I’d choose a Thursday.
What do you call a fast-working marine animal in its natural habitat?
A fish in sea.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
“And so, here we are!”
My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings.
Being in Australia helped.
How do you rescue a dying monitor?
With a screen saver
Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water.
I was like, well, damn.
They made a Hindenburg-scented perfume
It’s called Eau De Humanitie.
I have the worst luck,
I went to buy a memory foam pillow - turned out it had Alzheimers.
Most people have heard of Raymond Burr.
But few people know that Raymond had a brother.
He was a lumberjack, named Tim.
tips fedora at non-binary person
“M’theydy”
My dentist was voted “Dentist Of The Year”…
He didn’t get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.
What do you call it when the people vote on legalizing weed?
A reeferendum.
In democracy your vote counts.
But in feudalism, your Count votes.
President Biden has called for legalization of marijuana
Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.
A friend asks: “Johnny, how did you manage to get a ticket to the concert?”
Johnny replies: “I got a ticket from my sister.”
The friend asks: “And where is your sister?”
Johnny says: “Back at home, looking for her ticket.”
I tried to send Sean Bean a death threat
He mistook it for a job offer. 
Bats are now using the term ‘Trumpshit crazy.’
LOLOL! Soooo stealing this!
Judy Tenuta Jokes
. “What do men want? They want a mattress that cooks.”
. “I got an ‘A’ in Philosophy because I proved my professor didn’t exist.”
. “My mother always said I would never amount to anything because I always procrastinate. I told her, ‘Just wait.’”
. “Friends are just enemies who don’t have enough guts to kill you.”
. At The End Of Her Act: “Thank you so much. You mean nothing to me.”
We have a beautiful little girl
who we named after my mom; in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.
Forgive me father, vicar, padre, priest.
For I have synonymed.
“You took my daughter’s virginity!”
“I’m sorry Sir, it won’t happen again!”
The doctor said to me, “You need to stop masturbating.”
Expecting a horrible answer, I asked, “Why?”
“Because I’m trying to examine you!”
I now have a mental image of a dragon
delicately scooping a D&D party into a large glass, and carefully letting them go outside while their spouse snarls “Oh, just squish them.” The first dragon responds, “No, they’re good for getting rid of other pests.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Attack while they’re distracted.
The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like
My wife tells me that’s not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ’ means.
I told my daughter, “Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?” She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. “It’s true!”
“When was the last time you ate a monkey?!”
I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”
The genue saud, “weurd wush but U wull grant ut.”
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.