I came home and discovered the kids had been on eBay all day. Tomorrow I’ll lower the price a little.
I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross country adventure…
So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy.
The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not…
Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot -
5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms suddenly
There would be mass confusion.
Vampires aren’t real.
Unless you count Dracula.
My wife says I have two major flaws. Number one is I don’t listen and Number two… I wasn’t paying attention.
I once had lunch with Bobby Fischer in an Italian restaurant.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Why the hell would you need salt in an Italian restaurant???
Why do sharks live in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze
I went to a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L.
L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper?
Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it’s salt. If it is the letter P, it’s pepper.
L: Oh, so pepper comes out from the P hole?
Me: … Erm… Yes…
L: I know! Then the salt comes from the S hole!
Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt
But it expires in August.
A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: “Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies.”
Student: “Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?”
I like my coffee like I like my women…
Strong, and able to give me the kick in the ass I need to get movin’ in the morning!
Did you hear David Copperfield has stopped doing the old trapdoor disappearing trick?
It was just a stage he was going through.
A couple are eating dinner in a fine dining restaurant. The man drops his spoon, and immediately the waiter appears at his side with a replacement spoon.
“Wow, that was quick, thanks!”, says the diner. “You are welcome”, says the waiter. “We recently had an efficiency expert come in to review our processes and make recommendations. They said that the spoon is the most-dropped utensil, and that we waiters should always carry a spoon with us.”
“Fascinating”, says the diner. “By the way, you should know that your fly is unzipped.”
“Yes, I know”, replied the waiter. “That was another suggestion from the expert. He said that each waiter should tie a string around his penis and leave his fly unzipped. If we have to go to the bathroom, and we pull the string to unfurl our penises, we would not have to wash our hands. That would save 20 minutes per day.”
“Hmm”, says the diner, “but how do you get your penis back in your pants?
“I don’t know about the other guys but I use the spoon.”
A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest…
…when the bear almost catches the rabbit, they run into a magical frog who stops them. The frog says “I am a magical frog and you both can make 3 wishes that I will make come true”.
The bear shouts “I go first! I go first! I want all the other bears in this forest to be hot female bears!!!”
The frog waits 2 seconds and says “your wish is granted. Now, what is your first wish, rabbit?”
The rabbit says “I want to have a cool motorcycle helmet”
The frog frowns but says “your wish shall be granted.” and ploop a beautiful cool motorcycle helmet appears out of nothing in front of the rabbit. “You again bear”
The bear is jumping impatiently on his feet and shouts “yes, yes, uhmm, I want all the bears in the forests next to this forest to be hot female bears also!!”
The frog waits 2 seconds and says “Your wish is granted. Your turn rabbit”
The rabbit says “I want a new and very fast motorcycle.”
The frog is looking a bit puzzled at the rabbit, but sighs and says “your wish shall be granted.” and ploop a beautiful motorcycle appears out of nothing in front of the rabbit.
“Ok bear” says the frog “your last wish”
The bear can almost not hold his excitement and replies “yes yes yes I know! I want all the other bears in all the forests on the entire planet earth to be extremely hot female bears!!!”
After a deep sigh the magic frog says “your wish is granted”
“Now rabbit, your 3rd wish. It is your final wish so better make it a good one” says the frog.
The rabbit puts his shiny helmet on, steps onto his motorcycle, kicks the ignition to start the engine and pulls the throttle a few times making the engine roar. Then he looks with a cheeky smile at the bear before turning to the frog and says: “Here is my final wish…” He points at the bear and says “I want that bear to be gay” and with thundering engine the rabbit pulls off into the forest…
The magical frog follows him in the distance and mumbles “your wish is granted.”
Walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer -
I said “OK, this isn’t working out.”
A police officer spotted an elderly lady knitting whilst driving.
“Pullover”, he exclaimed.
“No, it’s a scarf”, she replied.
Did you guys know Sting has gone missing?
The Police have no lead.
Where did the square go after killing the triangle?
To prism.
I was going to cook an alligator for dinner…
But realized I only had a croc pot.
What’s God’s favorite musical chord?
G sus
This one’s funny!
The punchline is supposed to be is there a Dog.
Maybe @Johnny_L.A is a tad dyslexic 
A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father…
“Papa!” the boy exclaims. “Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!”
The father immediately slaps the child. “Spendthrift!” he screams. “You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!”
How to determine sex of aquarium fish
Easy. Give it some food. If he eats it, then it’s a male, if she eats it, then it’s a female.
I always feel like a 9 or 10 after I leave a buffet…
Because I over ate.
I addressed the typo a while ago.
Hey, you’re dyslexic, I’m forgetful.
Let’s call the whole thing off! 