More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
2612

Quotes:

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
—Rodney Dangerfield

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
—Steven Wright

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
—Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
—Graham Norton

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
—Bob Hope

“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”
—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally

“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”
—Dorothy Parker

2613

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can rent you by the hour a pretty reasonable approximation.

2614

A guy was sitting in a public bathroom stall when he realized that there was no toilet paper. He notices there is someone in the adjacent stall.
“Excuse me, do you have a little toilet paper you could pass to me?”
“No.”
pause
“Would you happen to have, like, a page from a magazine or newspaper?”
“No.”
long pause
“Do you have two fives for a ten?”

2615

New one on me, nice one. Would be GREAT as a 30 second TV sketch.

Oh, may as well add a contribution.

Did you hear about the caterpillar who got so drunk he mistook a cheese grater for a slide? He ended up completely legless.

2616

Why didn’t the ghost like to take showers?

Because it would dampen his spirits.

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeth’s most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

Three cows were playing poker while smoking weed

The steaks were high.

2617

Money can’t buy happiness; but it can buy a helicopter, which is the same thing.

2618

A guy approaches a man walking on the Vegas strip.
“Sir, I don’t have any money to feed my children, can you help me out?”
“How do I know you’re not just going to use it to gamble?”
“Gambling money I have!”

2619

‘Tis the season for Halloween jokes!

What did the skeleton say to the bartender?

“Gimme a beer and a mop.”

2620

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a Bat

Telescopes use mirrors

Therefore we could be looking at space vampires and we’d never know it.

What do you feed a vegan vampire?

A blood orange.

2621

Why did the ghost go to the liquor store after he backed into a fan?

Because that’s where they retail spirits.

2622

I think one word would make this joke better.

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a Bat, man!

2623

What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?

A un-aware wolf

My house was bitten by a werewolf.

Now, in the light of the full moon, it becomes a werehouse. Not evil or anything, just more storage space.

How do you know a person is a werewolf…

…and not just someone with a beast infection?

2624

What’s a sea monster’s favorite food?

Fish and ships

Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that’s destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We’re doomed from the gecko.

2625

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

I told a knock knock joke while trick or treating last Halloween…

I only got a couple Snickers.

When we were kids, my brother dressed up as a giant penis for Halloween.

We were trick or treating and whenever we were walking to the next house he kept hitting me on the head with his bag of candy, I wanted to say “stop being a dick” but he worked so hard on that costume…

2626

I swear, the mom next door had a stroke.

2627

A woman goes to a fortune teller:

As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the soothsayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to her. Her hands began to shake and her throat felt like a desert as she barely managed to croak out the question on her mind.

“Will I be acquitted?”

Who was asked to direct a gothic horror about a tree falling down?

Tiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmbbbbbbbbbuuuuuurrrrrrrton.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp.

Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again.

Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag.

He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

“That’s OK, Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

2628
2629
2630

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack o’ Lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi

I recently learned that goats can have what’s called a “phantom pregnancy.”

It’s when their body thinks it’s pregnant when it isn’t.

I kid you not.

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

2631

Hardly - about 7,000 miles between Pyongang and NYC. The Earth is about 25,000 miles, so the missile can reach about 56% of the globe. :slight_smile: