Just try to explain that to Frank Sinatra
WHOOOOSH
That sound over your head is the joke, not the missile…
I got and enjoyed the joke. Then I had a thought that since the Pacific is big damn ocean, and NYC is all the way on the other side of North America, I wonder if a missile that can make it there really can make it any where. Nope.
What’s NK to NYC over the north pole?
6800 miles
Will your wife be here for dinner?
Of course. Would you like some mateloaf?
“She won’t appreciate it now, but college admissions officers eat this shit up.“
Damn.
Having seagull troubles.
That was a work of genius.
These started awful and somehow managed to get worse and worse. Not objecting to them - I like a sick joke as much as anyone - but my word, did these highlight how terrible this situation is.
Remember to VOTE!!! .
That joke only works in Chicago.
Back when I worked in an office, a coworker a couple desks down loved that clip and used to play it all the freakin’ time. With the sound on, no earphones. Yes, the office had a liberal Youtube-watching on the job policy.
No doubt-- “A fetus could shield your vital organs in a school shooting. Always best to look on the bright side.” Cheese and rice that’s dark, even for The Onion.
The Murphy brothers were having a drink in their favorite pub.
Frank told his brother “Me and the Missus had an awful fight last night. But finally she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Oh yeah, what did she say?”
She said “Frank Murphy, you come out from under that bed!”
There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?” He asks her “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, lets! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.”
I dressed up as a UPS package for Halloween…
…but I don’t think anyone got it.
Strangely, my son farts a lot whenever it’s Halloween.
That’s why he always dresses up as Jack the Ripper.
I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.
He said, “I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.”
Q: How do you make a Venetian blind?
A; Stick your fingers in his eyes.
Q: How do you mske a Maltese cross?
A: Punch him in the jaw.
Latest Ukrainian attack on Russian navy.
A man walks into a post office with a large parcel under his arm:
“Excuse me, can you send a Venetian blind?”
“Well sir, if your jacket didn’t do it, I have no chance”.