How do you make a Swiss Roll?
Push him down a hill.
I used to use a Halloween themed dating app
I left because I kept getting ghosted.
On Halloween don’t wear a dinosaur costume in bad neighborhoods.
You’ll get Jurasskicked.
For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a Imperial stormtrooper and shot up the school.
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
Reminds me of one…
A woman is in the shower when she hears the doorbell ring. She gets out and can’t find her robe. She yells out “Who is it?” “Blind man” is the answer.
She thinks, oh, well, I don’t need a robe then, and opens the door fully naked.
“Here are the blinds you ordered. And might I say, you are in terrific shape, ma’am.”
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink!
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theater.
If dogs have masters, what do cats have?
Staff.
While at Walmart, I saw an amazing cooking utensil that I didn’t have enough money for.
That’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Happy Halloween!
What do you call a witch who drives really badly?
A road hag!
Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
Because he had bat breath
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.
What is an optimistic vampire’s favorite drink?
B Positive.
What are ghosts’ favorite streets?
Dead ends
Who are some of the were-wolves cousins?
The What-wolves and the When-wolves.
What happens when two vampires meet?
It’s love at first bite!
Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had bad blood.
What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.
Why don’t mummies go on vacation?
They are afraid they might unwind.
What did one ghost say to the other?
Get a life!
Where do they make werewolf movies?
In Howlywood!
When do werewolves go trick or treating?
Howl-o-ween!
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down!
Where do werewolves hate to shop?
Flea markets!
What do you geet when you goose a ghost?
A handful of sheet.
Here’s one from a Scholastic Press record I got when I was about 8.
A skeleton once, in Khartoum
Invited a ghost up into his room
They spent the whole night
In the eeriest fight
Over who should be frightened of whom.
A maid was applying for a new position. When asked why she left the last place she replied:
"They paid me good money, but they played this odd game called Bridge. Last night as i brought in the refreshments i heard a man say “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got.” Another said "I’ve got strength but no length. " Another said to a lady “Take your hand off my trick.” Then the lady said “You forced me. You jumped me when i didn’t have the strength for one raise.” Another woman spoke of protecting her honor.
As i was leaving i heard one say “We’ll have to go soon - this is the last rubber.”
My favorite Gorey limerick fits both the thread and the day:
Each night Father fills me with dread
When he sits on the foot of my bed;
I’d not mind that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks,
But for seventeen years he’s been dead.
― Edward Gorey, Amphigorey
Werewolf: Knock, knock.
Frankenstein’s Monster: Who’s there?
Werewolf: Ahh.
Frankenstein’s Monster: Ahh who?
Werewolf: 
Werewolves of London!
Wonderful.
My wife accused me of achieving nothing…
So I told her “Hey, I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school.”
“What’s that?” she said.
“It’s a big building with kids in it.”
Mark Twain at a dinner at the Author’s Club, said:
Speaking of fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. In my early lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed poorly billed. I thought I’d find out if the knew anything at all about what was in store for them.
‘Good afternoon, friend,’ I said to the general storekeeper. ‘Any entertainment here tonight to help a stranger while away the evening?’
The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerel, straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron and said, ‘I expect there’s going to be a lecture, I been selling eggs all day.’
What did the termites order at the restaurant?
Table for two, please.
Q: Who wrote the Harry Potter books?
A: Hemingway. J.K. Rowling.
I don’t get it.
J.K. Just Kidding
Mom, whenever there’s only a machine keeping me alive, I want you to turn it off.
…
MOM, TURN THE WIFI-ROUTER BACK ON!
A termite walks into a bar, and says “Is the bar tender here?”.
A day late, but Halloween always reminds me of the first “dirty” jokes my kids learned at school (first grade).
What’s a boy ghost’s favorite body part?
Boo-bies
What’s a girl ghost’s favorite body part?
Hallo-weenies
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which “lived” there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm - I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what’s the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.