One day at Area 51, a single-engine plane was spotted by a radar tech on its final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane landed and was immediately surrounded by armed guards.
The pilot was taken in for questioning. While narrating his ordeal, the pilot explained that he was flying from Las Vegas and got lost. He further stated that the plane was running out of fuel, so he decided to land on the first runway he saw.
After much interrogation and background checks, the pilot convinced them he was innocent and was to be released the following day. But before he was released, he was warned not to give any information on where he was or what he had experienced or seen.
After his plane was refueled, he was sent back to Las Vegas after a proper heading. Hours later, the man’s aircraft was sighted again, about to land in the area, but this time, there were two people inside.
When the plane landed, as usual, armed men surrounded it. Immediately, the man came down from the airplane and screamed:
“Do whatever you want with me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night.”
I swear to Jah that I just now got my wife to walk right into this joke. I texted “…at [the college where I teach].” She texted, “What?? What is that?,” and I replied “It’s a college in Wisconsin, but that’s not important right now.”
She still didn’t get it: “But I thought he was a comedian?”
And then she got it: “Wait, are you messing with me?”
François is on the beach with about 25 gorgeous women swarming all around him. Seeing this, Jacques strolls on up to his friend and asks: ‘What is your secret?’
François whispers, ‘All you have to do is stick a potato in your Speedo, and the ladies will come running.’
Jacques runs off and stuffs a potato in his Speedos; but when he returns, the girls run off screaming in bloody terror as soon as they see him.
Confused and hurt, he hurries over to François and desperately asks, ‘Why are all the girls running away from me?’
François, exasperated, says, ‘You’re supposed to put the potato in the front, Jacques!’
Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are currently attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Samples have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Brown
President and CEO
WalMart Complaint Department
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton — Complaints — Things Mr. Royse Samples has done while his wife was shopping:
November 15, 2021: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
November 23, 2021: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
December 10, 2021: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
December 23, 2021: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” …… and watched what happened.
January 10, 2022: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-away.
January 23, 2022: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
Feburary 15, 2022: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.
March 5, 2022: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
March 26, 2022: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
April 2, 2022: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
April 15, 2022: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
April 26, 2022: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
May 1, 2022: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”
May 12, 2022: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! Sheila! It’s those voices again!!!”
And last, but not least, just today….
May 16, 2022: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”
