Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain’t fruits or nuts, is flakes.
Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra.
I don’t know why they say “you have a baby.” The baby has you.
I found out why God made babies cute. It’s so you don’t kill them.
If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.
If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
Why do they call 'em ‘buildings’ when they’re done building 'em? They ought to be called ‘builts.’ Or, ‘crumblings.’ ‘I live in that crumbling over there.’
Remember this advice… Never let your mom comb your hair when she’s mad at your dad!
I like church though. Church was a reminder there was something worse than school.
At a number of fantasy conventions we attended, a bunch of my friends and I went as Elves in Camo, a paramilitary concept. My elf name was Propagandalf.
So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: “Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I’m all out of ideas at the moment, I’m kind of bored with the standard action flicks.”
Chuck says: “Don’t you have any ideas?”
“Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers”
That’s when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: “That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!”
