What font does alphabet soup use?
Times New Ramen.
I’ve told this a couple of times, and concluded it works better the other way around. One listener quickly responded, “Ironed.” What do others think?
Not everybody thinks Cleopatra is beautiful
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Elon is firing Twitter employees with bad posture.
I have a hunch I might be next.
Edit: I stand corrected, I still have a job.
How do you know when you’ve passed an elephant?
You can’t flush the toilet.
This reminds me of something my 7 y.o. grandson asked me awhile back. “Why do they call them cookies if you bake them, and bacon if you cook it? Bacon should be called cookin, and cookies should be called bakies!”
Love it. A stand-up kinda guy!
My blind girlfriend told we she’s seeing… someone else.
That’s really great new and really bad news.
What’s the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?
One’s The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.
The lights went out at a comedy dlub
And it became dark humor.
Englebert Humperdinck has a talking car. Last night it said to him:
“Please regrease me, change my oil”.
Kenny Rogers was driving down the highway, when he saw a tire bouncing across the road. It was then he thought:
“You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel”.
I am trying to work out how to get that into a safety meeting without getting fired
But if I figure I am getting fired , that is so going into a safety meeting
Pearl Jam tried to warn us about Ticketmaster in the Nineties. We didn’t listen.
Probably because we couldn’t understand what Eddie Vedder was saying.
I visited the Wailing Wall the other day…
…standing there like an idiot with my harpoon.
My kid asked if he could buy a chemistry set to make chloroform.
I said “Sure, knock yourself out.”
Which actor would have made a great Pinocchio?
Edwood Woodwood.
In England, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your children are?”
In France, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your husband is?”
In Italy, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your wife is?”
In Baldavia, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know what time it is?”
My daughter just walked into the living room and said
“Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.” Well, she didn’t put it quite like that… she actually said… “Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports the Lakers.”
So I’m sitting in a recliner watching TV naked and eating Doritos, just minding my own business, really.
And then out of nowhere Walmart calls the cops.
A guy goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is orange.” Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy’s penis isn’t orange. Doc tells the guy, “This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.”
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, “How are things going at work?” The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, “No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.” So the doc figures this isn’t the reason.
He asks the guy, “How’s your home life?” The guy says, “Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.” The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, “No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch.” So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?” The guy replies, “No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos.”
My favorite joke. I like to tell it as its orange in the morning, and the dr. asks what he does before going to bed.
A guy has a horrible infection in his penis, and doctors can’t figure out what it is or how to cure it. Finally, one doctor diagnoses Asian Grung; but he doesn’t know how to cure it and suggests the guy go to East Asia to seek help there. He finds a doctor and says, ‘Doctor, this infection is so painful! I need you to cure it immediately!’ The doctor says, ‘Americans! So impatient! Two weeks, it will fall off by itself!’
My son was overjoyed when I told him that I found his hamster.
Not so much when I said it was in the vacuum cleaner.
A cop pulled me over the other day for speeding.
After giving me the ticket, he teases me a bit about my out of state plate and the fact that I’m driving a car that’s in my Dad’s name.
He points to my dash and asks, “Is that a radar detector I see?”
Me: I don’t know.
Cop: Is that a radar detector I see?
Me: I don’t know it’s my Dad’s car. It’s just always been there, but it does let me know every time I pass a Krispy Kreme.
He smirked, said, “Good one. Now slow down.”
Why does the new Russian Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see the old Russian Navy.
How can you tell the crew of a Russian nuclear submarine?
They glow in the dark.
This year, Home Depot is selling Christmas decorations in the second aisle of the housewares section.
Aisle B, Home for Christmas.
At his wedding, my buddy told me I’m the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
Here are the 3 unwritten rules for living:
Thanks, I just shamelessly stole this for my Facebook feed.