More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
2732

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

“Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

2733

I’m so generous that I give my dead batteries away, free of charge.

Do you know why chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they’d be called chicken sedans.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.

Swimming with sharks is really expensive.
Last time it cost me an arm and a leg.

Two guys stole a calendar.
They each got 6 months.

2734

An antiquities dealer was initially excited when a seller told him they could supply him with rare Eqyptian burial artifacts.

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

2735

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings…

One by one…

As each relative goes home.

I’m not going to eat Thanksgiving leftovers anymore.

This year, I’m quitting cold turkey.

We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving this year.

We’re going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

2736

Patient: Give it to me straight, doc. How bad is my hearing loss?

Audiologist: You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.

Patient: Why do you want me to urinate on a skeleton?

2737

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You cannot tell me that is just a coincidence!

I accidentally ate my cat’s food last night.

Don’t ask meow.

What’s the hardest part of being addicted to money?

The withdrawals.

2738


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2739


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Thanksgiving Day weather:

2740


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2741

I said, “You’re welcome”, as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, “Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum.”

I responded, “Hey, it’s the least I could do.”

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Tank.

Tank who?

You’re welcome.

“Hey. Did you know I’m a zombie hunter?”

“What? Zombies don’t exist.”

“You’re welcome.”

2742
2743

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died

Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus.

What was the source of the radioactive senior citizen’s super power?

Gramma Rays

After last night, I took a solemn vow to give up drinking for good

From now on, I will only drink in the name of evil.

2744

2745

2746

2747

According to my chocolate Advent calender…

There’s only 3 days to Christmas.

I didn’t know Mariah Carey liked trees so much.

But apparently all she wants for Christmas is yew.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been unable to stop singing songs by Tony Bennett, Nat King Cole, Perry Como and Bing Crosby. After a while it all got too much so I went to see my doctor.

Apparently I have crooner virus!

2748

I was voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher.

I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury’s Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding…

I’m a family of four.

A man goes into a restaurant.

He sits down, he’s having a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter, ‘Waiter, come taste the soup.’

Waiter says, ‘Is there something wrong with the soup?’

He says, ‘Taste the soup.’

Waiter says, ‘Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?’

The man says, ‘Will you taste the soup?’

‘What’s wrong? Is the soup too cold?’

‘Will you just taste the soup?’

‘All right, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?’

‘Aha!’"

2749

Joan Rivers Jokes:

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.

2750

God is talking to Adam:

You are Adam, the first man. This is Eve, your wife, the first woman and mother of all to come.

Adam: Okay, but… (pointing to another guy) who’s that?

God: Oh, that’s Keith Richards. He was here when I got here.

I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite

It’s only when I got home I realized I’d picked 7 up.

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…

Hans down.

2751

What do chickens celebrate in December?

Eggs-mas

It was early December, and a cartographer was looking at a map of Costa Rica.

The cartographer noted that the northern part of the country, along the Nicaraguan border, was fairly wide, but the country’s width diminished as it trended southeast. At the border with Panama, it was much narrower.

“Hmm,” mused the cartographer. “It’s beginning to look a lot like Isthmus.”

I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.