What do wildebeests celebrate in December?
Gnusmas. (Which is Samsung backwards.)
Make sure it’s served in a plated dish. Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
[Applause!]
Which dinosaurs had the best camouflage?
Do-you-think-he-saurus.
A short nap once in awhile can prevent old age
Especially while driving
The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?
Cremation.
In my old age, I am like a fine wine…
Fifteen percent alcohol by volume.
I came up with this based on a line from a TV show.
John: Let me be perfectly clear.
Mary: Okay
Mary: Hey, where did you go?
Sounds like Cleese:
Mary: Oh, John, once we had something so good, so precious, so wonderful. John, what happened to it?
John: You spent it.
I heard that’s what happened when Obama found a genie.
John: Mary, you hurt everyone you get close to
Mary: I’m sorry, I’ll take the cactus suit off!
What are these pills for, Doctor?
You have walking pneumonia.
How often should I take them?
Every two miles.
Doctor, when I press with my finger here, it hurts.
And when I press over here, it hurts, and over here, it hurts as well. What do you think?
You have a broken finger.
Doctor, I think I’m a pair of curtains.
Well, pull yourself together.
Just seen this on facebook :-
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’ Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 Years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’ To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you. But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
Doctor, every time I drink hot chocolate, I get a sharp pain in my eye. What’s wrong with me?
Take the spoon out of the cup before drinking it.
A person walks into a bar. They say to the bartender “Tell me a joke.” The bartender says, “No, just order a drink, sir.”
This sounded a lot better in my head, I’ll be honest.
You kept everything gender neutral until “sir.” Was that the punchline?
…I don’t really know where I was going with it, I’ll be honest. Here, how’s about a better one.
Why did the orange cross the road?
Because someone kicked it to the other side of the street while passing by.
A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room to get help.
“Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do!” the doctor said.
“But I don’t have the fingers doc!”
“What? Why wouldn’t you bring your fingers?”
“I couldn’t pick them up!”
A man recently suffered an accident at work where he lost his middle finger after it was trapped in a piece of machinery.
The surprising thing was that he didn’t actually notice it until he was saying goodnight to his boss.
Try this: A man walks in and says, “Bartender, it’s been a tough day. Pour me a drink and tell me a joke.”
“Sir, this is a Wendy’s.”
An American guy goes into a pub in England and says “Gimme a beer,”
No one pays any attention, completely ignoring him.
“HEY” he shouts, “Are you deaf? Gimme a beer.”
A couple of hours later, he says “Please nurse, may I have a glass of water.”
I think you’re missing a few words there… What do you DO WITH? What do you GIVE? What do you CALL?
I think it’s obviously CALL.
And @Ianzin won’t be happy.