What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and a shotgun wound?
Still bloody no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, having sex?
You can work that one out yourself…
When the moon
Hits your eye
And it’s 5:45
That’s December.
What did my wondering eyes behold.
After a brutal late Autumn wind storm I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead. I smiled to my self realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes. But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgun shell which had lodged near the top of the tree. I don’t know if it was ejected there, or carried by a bird but you can imagine my surprise at seeing… A cartridge in a bare tree.
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because they can’t afford the train!
[There’s a couple of chestnuts to roast on the open fire…]
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
A woman was sitting on a park bench when three men passed by: one man on foot, one on a bike and one on a horse. Which one of them knew the woman?
The horse manure! (horseman knew 'er)
What do you call a fish with three eyes?
Fiiish!
Heard this in a movie the other day.
A woman goes to a doctor for depression. He prescribes a male hormone for her to take every day with a follow up in 6 months.
At the follow up up:
Doctor: How have you been feeling?
Woman: Much better. But I do have some hair where I never had it before, and it itches a little.
Doctor: Well, that is pretty common. Where is the hair?
Woman: My balls.
A woman goes to the doctor with a peculiar allergic reaction.
“Doctor, every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
“I see. What are you taking for it?”
“Pepper.”
What do you call a Catfish with 38 eyes?
I know
TX IIIIIIIIIII
- U
The eyes of Texas are upon you…
I was teaching my dyslexic friend how a mistletoe works.
I don’t think she stoodunder it.
I was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl . . .
I noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. I approached her and asked flirtatiously ‘Ooh, what’s that little thing above you?’
‘Its called an Umlaut.’
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly.
“Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this,” was the shop owner’s reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! …
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot’s right foot. Then Chet’s tune changed, and the air was filled with “Silent Night, Holy Night…”
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. “How beautiful!” She exclaimed, “Can he talk?”
“No,” the young man replied, “But he can sing. Let me show you.”
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet’s left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet’s right foot, and out came, “Silent Night. Holy Night…”
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, “What if we hold the lighter between his legs?” The man did not know. “Let’s try it.” He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet’s legs. Chet sang: “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…”
In every koi pond of four or more, at least one is always fake.
You’ve got koi’s A, B, C, and then the D koi.
I’m getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Christmas -
It’s just a stocking filler.
I met a man who reminded me of my dad. He came up to me and said…
Don’t forget your dad.
My kids told me they want a cat for Christmas
We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.
What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?
A Lucy Fir
Who claps for Christmas?
Santapplause.
My lack of Greek mythology knowledge has always been my…
Achilles elbow.
How fast does the Grinch’s sled go?
Max speed
What do a Christmas tree and an old man have in common?
The wood is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.
TIL Santa Claus is European…
North Polish to be exact
What does the Egyptian Santa Clause say when he enters a child’s house?
I come bearing glyphs.
What kind of medal would Santa Claus win?
A Noel Prize
Why don’t people tell jokes about Jim Jones?
The punchlines are too long.
The inventor of Tupperware died. They closed his casket and then burped it.
Oh, that’s cold.
(Nearly fifty years on, that event still packs a wallop, including for humorous purposes.)
The joke is tired to me, and here’s why: at that time period, tasteless jokes like this were seen as breaking taboos, and so for my part, I repeated them as far and wide as possible. Nowadays, 40+ years later, the absurdity of evil has been eclipsed many times over by the Trump Era, and I no longer find humor in it, even for the sake of cringe. The joke not only got elected, it got approved as a way of life.
How do you wish Beethoven a Merry Christmas?
Fur-Elise Navidad!
The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves… I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
Dear John:
Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist… you’re just too kind.
Love Agnes
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
December 20th
John:
What’s with you and those birds??? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There’s bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY…So stop with those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me. .
Ag
December 22nd
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine ladies dancing. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.
From Ag
December 23rd
You Creep!
What’s with the ten lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? I don’t know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m calling the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
December 24th
Listen Idiot:
Now there’s eleven pipers piping, but they play more than their pipes. They’ve been balling those maids and ladies all night long. Meanwhile, the lords have run through them all and begun committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds were trampled to death. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas
Poor John, not only were his well-intentioned gifts not appreciated, he sent them all twelve days early. 
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
When I asked my wife what she wanted she said she’d be very happy with
lots of diamonds.
She’s going to love this deck of cards I got her.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It’s the little things that count.