My wife said she’d like nothing better than a diamond ring.
So I got her nothing.
Why don’t Santa and Mrs. Claus have children?
Because Santa only comes on Christmas Eve and that’s down the chimney.
Who falls down the chimney on Christmas Eve with a sackful of broken toys?
Santa Klutz.
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree.
Well, my apartment building doesn’t allow pets, so the next day, I went to Partridge Mart to return the gift. When I got home, what should I find but two turtle doves and another partridge in a pear tree.
So, if the first day of Christmas is December 25, and I can only return one gift each day (2 turtle doves = 2 gifts, so you have 3 gifts to return from the second day of Christmas), when would I be done returning the gifts?
Assuming it’s not a leap year, you would be done on Christmas Eve, ready to start the whole damned thing over again!
A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said
“I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady : “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed : “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied : “Oh. Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Yo mama so old
Her chiropractor’s a paleontologist.
Just found an origami porn channel.
But it is paper view only.
No joke, but something I’ve always wondered about that song: are the gifts supposed to be repeating, as in: on the second day of Christmas you get 2 turtle doves and a second partridge in a pear tree, and so on, or are the verses just reminding what was given before, in addition to the new gift?
I actually tried googling an answer a few Christmases back, and opinions vary-- though the repeating model just seems insane. A total of 22 turtledoves? 30 french hens? 32 calling birds? etc., etc…? And yeah, what’s with all the damn birds already? If you’re going to do an OCD-like repeating thing, stick with golden rings and other jewelry.
I’ve always assumed the gifts were repeating, because a list is given for each day and the penultimate gift (the partridge in a pear tree) is preceded by AND.
And I as well. A quick Google search tells me that there would be a total of 364 gifts, so that would fit with @Dr.Winston_OBoogie’s statement.
Households were larger then and the added meat during the winter was welcome.
Plus you had all those lords and ladies and “maids” and pipers and drummers to feed.
No, that’s the meat. 
I’d assume that the maids couldn’t be “a-milking” if they didn’t come with cows.
KC-10 refueling operation.
Last year I gave my wife a burial plot for Christmas. She asked me what I was getting her this year, I said “Nothing, you didn’t use what I gave you last year!”
I was amazed to learn a very few years ago that penultimate means next to last.
Clearly, we visit different websites when not on The Dope.
Clearly.
“Squeeze! You’ve never had your hands on a test before?”
“Not one this big.”
(at 1:10)
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Funf.
What do people like about Jim Jones jokes?
The killer punchlines.
A number of years ago, I was creating a spreadsheet model for work that needed three years of experience. Certain users didn’t like that I had labled them “Last”, “Prior”, and “Pre-Prior”. My boss then suggested “Ultimate”, “Penultimate” and “Antepenultimate” (before the one before).