That was a missed opportunity to use “postpenultimate”
I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He’s played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey…
But he never made it as a wise man
What does The Nativity and Mamma Mia have in common?
A mysteriously pregnant woman is visited by three men who worship her child.
So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the American spirit.
…and thus removed all the Jews, foreigners, Africans, and the immigrants.
I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So… it’s definitely an American Nativity Scene.
And before that there’s preantepenultimate.
And before that there’s propreantepenultimate.
Do you really think that is a coincidence? The mother is called Donna.
What do you call two idiots in a blizzard?
Numb and Number.
Driving through a blizzard with my dad
At the peak of the snow and ice he got out of the car and put two frozen snakes on the windshield. I asked him what he supposed that would do to help and he said “what’s wrong son, Never heard of wind chilled vipers?”
What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
Get out of my face!
All I did was wish everyone and their families a Merry Christmas, and now they’re all mad at me.
Last time I volunteer at THAT orphanage.
You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?
'cause Jesus was raised in a barn.
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring…
Because the carbon monoxide detector failed.
NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:
Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.
Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance and therefore must not occur after 11pm and before 7am.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment, including Eye Protection, to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the ‘redness’ of any part of Mr. Rudolph Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. Rudolf Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of such an offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered and where necessary, taxes and import duties paid as appropriate. This applies regardless of the individual -even royal personages.
It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services and the Local Authority Safeguarding Board have been advised and will be fully investigating. The RSPCA are also seeking reassurance that no donkeys were harmed during this incident.
Compliance of these guidelines is mandatory in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas (but bear in mind this must be under 107 milligrams per 100 millilitres of urine or 35 microgrammes per 100 millilitres of breath if driving – UK, Wales & Northern Ireland).
Regards,
The Christmas Regulatory & Assessment Panel (CRAP)
I can never remember if penultimate means the one before last or
the one after last.
I believe the word for the one after last is late.
Last one, Merry Ho Ho Ho
For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.
Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.
What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins
Friends, just a reminder to those who received a book from me at Christmas…
They are due back in the library on the 29th.
Merry Christmas to All!
A Russian works in a bicycle factory,
and one day he says to his friend, ‟I’ve got a plan.I am going to steal one bicycle part a day, and in a month, I will be able to build my own bicycle.”
A few months later his friend runs into him again and asks ‟How did your plan go, did you get a new bicycle?”
The worker sighs.‟No luck - I’ve tried it three times, and I still get an AK-47.”
I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”
He said, “Of course. Which one?”
I said, “William.”
A guy walks into a bar waving a pistol
He yells “I’ve got a 7 round magazine and one in the chamber, now I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!”
A guy from the back of the room calls out “you’re gonna need more ammo!”
It helps me to remember the Monty Python skit with the Penultimate Supper.
Just heard my son speak his first words
Where were you the last 14 years?
There’s only three times in the year that I’ll consume alcohol.
Before work, during work and after work.
It was a broken toilet by night…
And a butt washer bidet.
The holidays are the most frightening time of the year for me.
I was a little dyslexic as a kid, and when I was a teen I started dabbling in the dark arts.
I think I sold my soul to Santa.
Every year when the jingle bells start ringing, I get nervous. It could be the elves coming for me.
A passenger was travelling on holiday on a budget airline.
“Would you like dinner?” the cabin crew asked.
“What are my choices?”
“Yes or no.”
I’ve told my suitcases that there will be no holiday next year.
I’m now dealing with emotional baggage.
Interviewer: How much milk does your cow produce?
Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?
Interviewer: Black one
Farmer: 2 liters per day.
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: 2 liters per day.
Interviewer: Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The black one or the white one?
Interviewer: The black one
Farmer: In the barn
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: In the barn
Interviewer: Your cows look healthy…What do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one…black one or the white one?
Interviewer: Black one
Farmer: Grass
Interviewer: And the white one
Farmer: Grass
Interviewer: (Annoyed) but why do you keep on asking if I mean the black one or white one when answers are always the same?
Farmer: Because the black one is mine
Interviewer: And the white one?
Farmer: It’s also mine.
One of the proudest moments of my life came when a friend was a bridesmaid for a South Asian woman. My friend had to buy appropriate dress, but she had trouble understanding the saleswomen in the Indian shop. Quick as lightning, I replied “Well, sometimes, ‘sari’ seems to be the hardest word.”
It’s all been downhill since then.