“Sir, this is Triple A, not AA.”
“I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake.”
I said “I didn’t even know he could.”
Because he was too far out, man….
What did the hippie call all his ex-wives?
One Mrs. Hippie, Two Mrs. Hippie…
I’ll share that one, but I’m changing the punchline to ‘Mrs. Hippie One, Mrs. Hippie Two, Mrs. Hippie Three…’ because I always count the number of seconds after that number of seconds has past. 
You’ve got to be the first person I’ve ever encountered who counts “Mississippi seconds” backwards like that.
… then again, how often does the topic come up? Perhaps many of you strange backwards-counters walk among us.
Do you hang your toilet paper backwards, too? 
Teacher: Henry, give me a sentence starting with " I ".
Henry: I is…
Teacher: No, Henry. Always say, “I am.”
Henry: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
Teacher: Henry, how do you spell “crocodile”?
Henry: “K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
Teacher: No, that’s wrong
Henry: Maybe it’s wrong, but you ask me how I spell it.
Teacher: Henry give me two pronouns.
Henry : Who, me?
Teacher: Henry, I know you are bad at spelling, that’s why I told you to write down this sentence 10 times. Why did you write it only 4 times?
Henry: I’m also bad at math.
Henry: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet
Henry: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
Teacher: Where’s the p?
Henry: Half way down my leg.
Counting the second first doesn’t make sense, because a second hasn’t passed when you say the number. It would be like calling a newborn baby a year old, or saying a new decade starts with a zero year. A second hasn’t passed until after you say ‘Mississippi’.
that was the Velocirapture.
A storm brewing
Together, they tango.
The teacher said, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
From the back of the room Henry piped up, “Yeah, right.”
According to the National Missing and Unidentified Persons (NamUS) database, more than 600,000 people go missing annually.
You would think the price of kidneys would go down.
That reminds me of a bit from Conan O’Brien’s show:
They say prostitution is a victimless crime. If that’s true, then where’s my wallet? That witch stole my wallet!!
Police officer: You failed your drug test
Me: That’s because I had a poppy seed bagel for breakfast
Police officer: How do you explain the marijuana and cocaine?
Me: It was an everything bagel
I asked the doctor how long am I going to be in the hospital??
He said, if all goes well, about a week… if it doesn’t, about 30 minutes…
[credit: Rodney Dangerfield]
He does 18 holes a day.
Joe Biden has forgotten more about governing than Trump ever learned.
the vowels."
Friend: “Why?”
Me: “Sometimes.”
He told me it was between 8 AM and 4 PM.
Because a pho ton is light.
Doctor: I’m sorry but your tests say that you have a disease that is 100% fatal.
Patient: Isn’t there anything we can do?
Doctor: Well, there is a spa down the road that has special medicinal mud baths. You can try that.
Patient: Will it cure me or at least give me more time?
Doctor: No, but it will get you used to being covered in dirt.
Doctor: I’ve got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus.
Patient: I didn’t know you were into astrology
Doctor: I’m not. My thermometer just broke.
The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like
My wife says that’s not what “You could have a stroke at any moment” means.
Patient: Are you a James Bond fan?
Doctor: No
Nitpicker-Mercury cant be in another planet, it has to be in a sign.
Well, the doctor did say he wasn’t into astrology.
mmm
Is that a joke, or a political jab? (Certain people claimed that COVID was being blamed for every death so that hospitals could get money. Or something.)
It’s just “Florida Man.” I posted it for the chuckle. Some people blame everyone’s death on the vaccine too.