I like to go to the park on weekends and play chess with old men.
But it’s really hard to round up 32 of them.
What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?
Brought it back for a refund.
I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles.” She replied, “Sorry…"
"We only take cash or card.”
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t understand how Brits keep track of money…
I’d have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 tuppence.
Fair enough, but how much is that in bits? Or sawbucks, or… ?
£2.76?
To the person who hacked my account, I will find you.
Edit: No, you won’t.
Who is the only higher ranked officer in the Chicken Army above Colonel Sanders?
General Tso.
Does music make you think?
It made Stevie wonder…
It made Johnny cash…
It made Marvin gaye…
It made Lady gaga.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my French” after a swear word. I’ll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.
Having same-sex parents must be terrible.
Either you get a double dose of dad jokes or you are stuck in an endless cycle of “go ask your mom”.
My parents named me after my older brother.
And before my younger brother.
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They’re disgusted by his attitude, his tattoos, and his piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
And you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
I’ve heard it as:
I was named after my grandfather but before my son.
Your version works better.
My girlfriend and I use different words to describe our situation.
I call it a long distance relationship.
She calls it a restraining order.
I have the eye of a tiger and the heart of a lion.
I have been permanently banned from the zoo and have to pay restitution.
I ordered a joke book off Amazon last week…
but I didn’t get it.
"I’ve just bought a 3D Kindle.
Or a book as it’s commonly known.
A guy goes to the doctor and says,
“Doc, your going to have to help me. Every morning I wake up convinced that I wrote Lord of the Rings.”
The doctor nods and replies, “Don’t worry, you’ve just been Tolkien in your sleep.”
"Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo…
The Where’s Waldo audiobook.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma.
She’s an animal in bed.
I went completely bald, but never got rid of my comb.
I just can’t part with it.
I did double my morning exercise this morning…
Must stop forgetting things upstairs.
My wife and I really weren’t expecting a baby, and then BAM…!
One smacks right into the windshield.
My Granddad always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.”
So one day, while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my Granddad.
My dad’s in a coma.
He’s living the dream.
I bought the Mother-in-Law a lovely chair for her birthday.
If she’d only plug it in…
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar.
Bartender: Not you too again!
Forgive me for questioning the jokes of the great Prof.Pepperwinkle, but this one seems like it would work better with the setup and punchline reversed:
My dad’s living the dream.
He’s in a coma.
You’re right. It’s better that way.
Adam: Knock, Knock
Eve: Hi Adam.
Adam: You are supposed to say “Who’s there”.
Eve: Who else could it be?
I dropped off last night and then farted myself awake.
The wife wasn’t pleased. Don’t think we’ll be going to the theater again for a while.
Abstract Erotic Art…
…It’s the shape of things to come.
The wife went ballistic when I punched a Constable yesterday.
She was nearly as mad as the museum staff.
I finally managed to teach my dog to beg.
Last night he came home with fifty bucks.
I’ve just met a deer who could write with both his left and right hooves.
He said he was bambidextrous.
Could someone 'splain this one?
mmm
An ancient Greek walks into a tailor shop with a torn toga.
“Euripides?” says the tailor.
“Yes, Eumenides?” says the man