Wife: You need to stop golfing so much.
Husband: You’re beginning to sound like my ex-wife.
Wife: I didn’t know you were married before!
Husband: I wasn’t.
ahem,
I beg your pardon, Peter. I didn’t see your earlier post.
I’ve probably posted this one before…
Husband comes home. “Great news! I won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
Wife: “Oh my! Where are we going? Asia? Europe?”
Husband: “I don’t care where you go. Just get the hell out!”
I had a bit part in the movie Cocaine.
I only had one line.
Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says
“I have to admit, it’s pretty scary out here.” The other replies, “You think this is bad? I have to walk back alone.”
I heard it with a clown and a little boy.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
Her name is Iris.
This Jokes thread is eco-friendly.
Many jokes are recycled.
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday…
He said that it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
I got pulled over for speeding in my Prius
The officer didn’t give me a ticket. He just wanted to know how I did it.
What is the smallest unit to measure…
What is the smallest unit to measure distance ?
It’s the millimeter !
And what is the smallest unit to measure volume ?
Yes, it’s the milliliter !
And so, what is the smallest unit to measure intelligence ?
It’s the military !
My dad is actually a manic-depressive,
which is very exciting half the time.
A drunk husband wakes up from another all-night bender and stumbles into the kitchen.
“I’m guessing you feel awful again this morning,” his wife snaps.
“Actually, I feel good,” the husband responds. “I slept like a log.”
“You didn’t even come to bed,” the wife answers.
“I know,” he answers. “I passed out in the fireplace.”
If a man smiles all the time,
he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
– George Carlin
Why don’t politicians listen to their conscience?
They don’t like taking advice from complete strangers.
A man goes to a doctor for his yearly routine physical.
The nurse starts with the basic health questions.
“How much do you weigh?” she asks.
“Oh, about 165 pounds,” he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale and his actual weight is 187.
The nurse then asks, “And how tall are you?”
“Oh, about six feet tall,” he says. The nurse checks and sees that he’s only five foot eight. She then takes his blood pressure and tells him it’s incredibly high.
“High!” the man exclaims. “Well, what do you expect? When I came in here today I was tall and lanky. Now I’m short and fat!”
Do you want to hear a joke about Socrates?
Why?
History’s great scientists were invited to a party. Here are their responses.
Isaac Newton: “I’ll drop in.”
Socrates: “I’ll think about it.”
Georg Ohm: “I’m resisting the idea.”
Robert Boyle: “I’m under too much pressure.”
Charles Darwin: “I’ll wait to see what evolves.”
Pierre and Marie Curie: “We’re radiating enthusiasm.”
Alessandro Volta: “I’m electrified at the prospect.”
Ivan Pavlov: “I’m positively drooling at the thought.”
Andre-Marie Ampere: “I’m worried I’m not current enough.”
John James Audubon: “I’ll have to wing it.”
Thomas Edison: “It will be illuminating.”
Albert Einstein: “It will be relatively easy to attend.”
Archimedes: “I’m buoyant at the thought.”
Samuel Morse: “I’ll be there on the dot. I’d tell you about other parties I’ve been to, but I must dash.”
Carl Friedrich Gauss: “I’m very popular at parties because of my magnetism.”
Heinrich Hertz: “I plan to attend parties with greater frequency in the future.”
James Watt: “It will be a good way to let off steam.”
As for Sigmund Freud: he just couldn’t help but give it the slip!
To Do is to Be
To Do is to Be
-Socrates
To Be is to Do
-Plato
Do Be Do Be Do
-Sinatra
How do philosophers make money?
The philoso-fees!
1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.
It’s a Nietzsche market.
My sister suddenly started sobbing while considering her job prospects with a philosophy degree.
I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”
As I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree as I asked myself, “why am I here?”
I went to a conference on comedy and philosophy.
I laughed more than I thought.
I went to a combined art/critical thinking conference last week, so you can draw your own conclusions.
I knew a guy who was so mean… [‘How mean was he?’] He was so mean, he’d get German shepherds just to have them neutered.
Not dogs. German shepherds!
What’s a transistor?
A priest who wears a nun’s habit.
This old couple walk into the bar,
and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women. And the bartender says to the wife, “Doesn’t it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?”
“No, no, no, not really,” the wife says. “I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn’t mean they know how to drive.”
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: Ninety dollars.
Patient: Ninety dollars for just a few minutes’ work?
Dentist: I can do it slower if you like.
Sergeant: Private!
Private: Yes, sir.
Sergeant: You failed to show up for camouflage class yesterday.
Private: How do you know that, sir?
What do rednecks call duct tape?
Chrome.
Old man1: Boxers or briefs?
Old man 2: Depends.
Old woman: Come upstairs and make love to me.
Old man: You’re going to have to pick one or the other.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Firstly, thank you for this thread and your continuing contributions to it, all of which I have enjoyed.
I would humbly suggest a replacement last line (not made up by me, this is how I remember the joke):
Private: Thank you, sir!
A sergeant is struggling to come up with a tactful way of informing one of his privates that his mother has passed away.
He lines his platoon up in formation.
“All of you who have both parents still alive, take a step forward. Not so fast, there, Henderson!”
I remember MAD magazine had a story about rejected articles, and one of them was Dave Berg’s The Lighter Side of Death. It had that same joke.
Hah, maybe that’s where I got it from! It’s a very real possibility.
mmm