The police are looking for a man with one eye called Frank.
They don’t know the name of his other eye.
Hangman: Any last requests?
Man about to be executed: I’ll take a Shamrock Shake and a McRib.
A kid tells his teacher “You only teach useless crap!”
She replies “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
My friend claims that understanding a Fibonacci sequence is hard, but I disagree.
It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.
I like my women like I like my coffee:
Strong and valued in the work place.
What do you call a snail aboard a ship?
A snailor.
A cowboy opens up a German car dealership:
Audi Partner
How about the following:
Sergeant: Private, why didn’t I see you in camouflage class?
Private: I thought that was the point.
I wore camo to my doctor’s office.
The receptionist said, “the doctor cannot see you today.”
Many years ago there was a discussion in New Scientist of camouflage in the natural world. Someone wrote in to ask “If it works so well, why aren’t there green sheep?”.
To which the reply came the next week “Maybe there are …”.
I’m sure everyone has seen (or I suppose, failed to see) this classic image:
He needs to bring that couch with him into battle.
mmm
What couch ?
As a commander of an insect army, I am in bad shape. My feet have been damaged by frostbite and my soldiers are too short.
I lack toes and taller ants.
Vampires don’t cast reflections in mirrors.
All telescopes use mirrors.
We could be surrounded by space vampires at this very moment.
A book fell on my head today:
I only have my shelf to blame.
Did you see the update to the sperm whale Wikipedia page?
[Cetacean needed]
A mobius strip walks into a bar looking pretty sad.
Bartender asks, "What’s wrong?
Mobius strip replies, “Where do I start?”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To avoid becoming a side.
That actually happened, on List of cetaceans - Wikipedia. There was a wiki debate on whether to leave it that way, the whimsy side won out. 
Still there, actually, where a picture of a cetacean is needed. Funny stuff.
Ceci n’est pas un cetacean.
A White Sports Coat and a Pink Crustacean
Q. Which crustacean can you find in London?
A. King’s Crustacean.
“King’s Cross Station”, for those without the reference
Have you seen my crustacean girlfriend?
I lobster.
Why was the teenage crustacean upset?
He couldn’t find a date for his high school prawn.
What’s saltier than a tuNa?
A barNaCle
How do seahorses get around?
They scallop
A friend of mine is writing a book on Californian sea lions.
I assured him that paper would be much easier.
I brought my goldfish to a seafood restaurant and asked if they serve fish cakes.
They said no. I said “but it’s his birthday!”
Chuck Norris, as a joke, once urinated into the gas tank of a pickup truck.
Today, that truck is Optimus Prime.
Doctor: Why do you have a fried egg on your head?
Patient: Because the boiled eggs keep rolling off.
Today I taught my son a valuable life lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that many people will not believe you, even when you tell the truth.
What do you call a three-foot long aardvark?
A yardvark
I know a girl who is only attracted to Canadians.
She’s Eh’-sexual.
I was reading the dictionary in bed last night, but I didn’t finish it.
I got up to ‘P’.
Grandpa to his grandson: "The problem with your generation is
that you don’t like to work hard and pull yourself up by the bootstraps like my generation did!"
Grandson: “You guys could afford to buy boots?”
Guys, I’m just in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I’m right…
What do I do next?