A snail is mugged by a turtle.
Police: Did you get a good look at him?
Snail: No, it all happened so fast.
Got fired from Rolex after spending the last few months developing a 50-hour watch for them.
They really did not appreciate the extra hours I put in.
My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”.
I saw it coming from a kilometre away.
If my male child was being stubborn before a flight could I check him with my luggage?
Or would I have to carry on my wayward son?
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
Now we call him Dr. Awkward.
Why did the man buy handguns from a T-Rex?
Because he is his small arms dealer.
Coincidence? I think not!
I know they are not antipodes; just roll with it.
Shared.
And here’s where I point out that “heinously”, “neighbor”, and “beige” all follow the rule. Still, 70% isn’t bad.
Um… what?
There’s a version of the mnemonic that goes
Using the shortened mnemonic, “conceited” and “ceiling” don’t belong. Using the fuller one, “heinously,” “neighbor,” and “beige” also don’t belong.
Ignorance fought, thanks
Also, “conceited” and “ceiling” follow the i before e except after C rule.
Aibohphobia - the fear of palindromes.
Can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago…
It feels like yesterday.
What is the common ground for Batman, Will Smith and Putin?
They all attacked a comedian.
How do you tell the difference between an Englishman and a Scotsman?
One says, “Hey, you, get off of my cloud,” the other says “Hey, Macleod, get off of my EWE!”
Chuck Norris’s password is the last 9 digits of pi.
Chuck Norris can divide by 0.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice
Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar
Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.
Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without factoring the coefficient within the expansion.
Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw an isosceles triangle with four perfectly identical vertices
Chuck Norris is so tough he can simplify an improper fraction without first dividing the denominator and using it to multiply the numerator.
Made you look!
It’s “what’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep farmer?”
So cone anyone.
Yeah, but Mick Jagger’s English, so the joke still works.
Mick Jagger walked in on Hugh Heffner having sex with Dennis Weaver. He said, ‘Hey! Hugh! Get off of McCloud!’
After a concert, Arthur Rubenstein was approached by a woman who was dragging a nine-year-old boy.
“Please, Mr Rubenstein,” she said, “I want you to hear my son play the piano.” “Madam,” the pianist said, “I’m very busy. I don’t have time to hear every child play the piano.”
But the mother persisted until Rubenstein finally agreed to an audition the next day. The little boy, his legs barely touching the pedals, played a Chopin waltz. When it was over, Rubenstein said, “That is undoubtedly the worst playing I’ve ever heard.”
The mother nodded and said to her son, “You see? So now will you give up your piano lessons and try out for Little League?”
When George Bernard Shaw was still a young critic he was invited as a guest to a family party.
When he came into the room, the daughter of the host was playing the piano.
“I have heard,” she said very sweetly, turning round to the visitor, “that you are fond of good music.”
“I am,” answered Shaw, “but never mind! Go on playing!”
Arthur Conan Doyle, the famous author of detective stories, once came to Paris. He hired a cab at the railway station to go to the hotel.
“What hotel would you like to go to, Mr. Conan Doyle?” asked the cabman.
The writer was greatly surprised. “How do you know my name?” he asked.
“Well, it’s simple,” the cabman said. “The other day I read in the newspapers that you would probably visit Paris. Then I noticed that your suit was made of good English tweed.
“Wonderful!” said Conan Doyle. “You are a born detective!”
“Thank you, Sir,” the cabman replied. “But another fact also helped me to identify you.”
“What is it?” asked the writer.
“You see, your name is written on your luggage.”
Mark Twain, the famous American writer, was traveling in France.
Once he was going by train to Dijon. That afternoon he was very tired and wanted to sleep. He therefore asked the conductor to wake him up when they came to Dijon. But first he explained that he was a very heavy sleeper. “I’ll probably protest loudly when you try to wake me up,” he said to the conductor. “But do not take any notice, just put me off the train anyway.”
When Mark Twain woke up, the train was already in Paris. The angry writer ran up to the conductor and said, “I’ve never been so angry in all my life.”
The conductor looked at him calmly. “You are not half so angry as the American whom I put off the train at Dijon,” he said.
In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.
In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
The waiter asked me how I like my steak. I said rare.
He said you’re in luck; today’s special is Panda.
Why did the chicken take LSD?
To get to the other side.
What is the definition of insanity?
The definition of insanity is mindlessly repeating a quote that Einstein never said.
The best place for a spy to go undiscovered is on a satellite –
Because in space, no one can hear you scheme.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
What to you say to a Marine who’s on LSD?
Semper fry!
This is an old one. We would always tell it when driving up the Hudson Valley,
“Do you spell your name with a V, Herr Wagner?” And he would answer with the highway number: 9W.