A journalist is walking through the Olympic Village and sees a man carrying a long stick.
“Are you a pole vaulter?” he asks.
The reply comes: “Nein, I am a German! But how did you know my name?”
My dad would tell it this way: What question is “9W” the answer to? “Do you spell your name with a V, Herr Wagner?”
Similarly
Answer: Dr Livingston I presume.
Question: What is your full name, Dr Presume?
I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events
Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.
Does anyone know any good groundhog day jokes?
Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over…
How much ground would a groundhog hog
if a groundhog would hog ground?
If Bill Murray sees his shadow today
6 more years of Covid.
Why wasn’t Bill Murray cast as Thor?
Because nobody likes an electricity bill.
I think that’s the way I first heard it. But then one day we were driving on Highway 9W and …
And lo, God spoken unto a passing Greek merchant and he saith,
“I will be your God and the God of your people.”
And the Greek merchant asked, "What’s involved?
“You must keep my commandments.”
“Like what?”
“You shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife.”
“Are you kidding? We’re having a community orgy tomorrow night! I can’t be having with any of that!”
So, God went looking around and found an Assyrian warrior.
“I will be your God and the God of your people.”
And the warrior asked, “What does that mean?”
“It means you must keep my commandments.”
“Such as?”
“Thou shalt not steal.”
“All right. Any others?”
“Thou shalt not kill.”
“What? That’s no good. My neighbor’s got this hot wife, and he’s not long for this world, let me tell you!”
So God went looking some more, and came across a Hebrew farmer.
“I will be your God and the God of your people.”
“Sounds good, sounds good, and what’s that entail?”
“You have to keep my commandments.”
“How much are they?”
“What? Uh, they’re free.”
“I’ll take ten!”
–Mel Brooks
Reminded me of a joke I heard years ago- the singer Jewel was a guest on a morning radio show and they asked her what was her favorite joke. This is the joke she told:
A man was caught shooting and killing a Bald Eagle. When he made his court appearance, the judge said “are you aware that intentionally killing an endangered species carries extremely high penalties and even jail time? What do you have to say for yourself?”
“I’m very sorry, your honor. I would never normally do such a thing, but I’ve been out of work and down on my luck for a while now, and it was a one-time thing I did to feed my family. It will never happen again.”
The judge said “well, in light of the circumstances, I’ll take it easy on you and let you off with a warning this time. But…just out of curiosity, what did it taste like?”
“Eh, kind of a cross between Northern Spotted Owl and California Condor.”
How can you tell the newcomers to the desert?
They’re the ones with the tans.
I now identify as invisible
Although I was born visible, I am now trans-parent. My pronouns are who/where.
What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?
Dong. Ding Dong.
M calls 007 into the office for a meeting.
She tells him, “James, I have a new mission for you where you will be impersonating a blonde real estate developer.”
James says, “But I have dark hair, do you expect me to wear a wig?”
M says, “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.”
Blonde. James Blonde.
A man calls quantum IT support and complains that his quantum computer isn’t working.
Quantum IT support: “Have you tried turning it off and on at the same time?”
Doctor: You don’t look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Did my first nude painting yesterday
The neighbors weren’t happy but the front door looks great!
Funny!!
I tried that. Every time I look at the result, it changes.
A biological survey team based in Washington State University were studying the migratory habits of crows, so they caught a number of the birds in several states, tagged them with a metal tag marked WASH. BIOL. SURV. along with a box number and serial number, and released them.
After a while they received the following letter in slightly shaky handwriting:
“Dear sirs, Yesterday I shot one of yer crows an give it to mah wife to cook. Followin yer instructions, she washed it, bioled it an surved it. It was the worst thing we ever et.”
There is nothing like getting to the end of a good book and thinking,
“AH! There’s Waldo!”
I just sent all of my Spider-Man and Batman magazines to Africa.
I think I may have the wrong idea about comic relief.
Women shouldn’t have children after 40.
Because, really, 40 children ought to be enough.
I’ve been bombarded with dirty picture messages and kinky texts all morning.
It’s all well and good, but this is my mom’s phone.
Q: How can you tell the Difference between a happy sperm and an unhappy sperm?
A: The happy sperm is the one with egg on his face.
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.
Bill Bryson once wrote about his confusion at a wire news story about railroads, that made no sense until an addendum arrived a few minutes later that read “For ‘crustacean’ read ‘Crewe Station’.”
It need be said that I happened to recall this joke this morning, laughed out loud, and thought to share it here.
But … of course …
So … thanks for the ex post facto chuckle!
It’s mayhem in the kitchen, and two chefs are at each other’s throats over a botched order…
“I told you the manager wanted cod seasoned with parsley!” yelled the first chef, brandisihing a butcher’s knife.
“Well I told you that he wanted mackerel seasoned with paprika!” yelled the other, grabbing a pan of hot oil.
At that point the manager walked in holding a plate, just as both chefs were about to murder each other.
With a look of utter disgust at the dish he was holding, he said “I don’t know what you two are fighting about, but this is neither the thyme nor plaice!”
How did the fallen Avengers talk to each other?
Snapchat.
Do you know why they call it a pretzel?
Because it’s knot bread.
When Fozzy Bear gets old what will he need to get around?
A WALKA WALKA WALKA!
A single person is somebody who believes in
life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit.
Reviews for Hogwarts Legacy are coming in.
Most reviewers are giving it a 9 3/4 depending on the platform.
Ending childhood obesity is as easy as
taking candy away from a baby.
They made a movie about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose.
It’s called Die Hard.
I like mountains
but volcanoes are ash holes.
I’m pitching a show about magical arts in the legal system
Subpoena the Teenage Witch
My mother had nine kids.
For her, birth control was making it to the delivery room.
I’ve had it with high meat prices.
So today I told the butcher, “I want something lean, red, tender, and not more than a dollar a pound!”
I got some Raspberry Jell-O.
Dogs are tough.
I’ve been interrogating this one for hours, and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
The wife and I named our new son “Large”.
We pulled his name out of a hat.
If money doesn’t grown on trees
why do banks have branches?
Always carry a deck of cards with you when you go on a solo hike.
If you get lost, start playing solitaire. Within 5 minutes someone will show up to tell you to put the red Jack on the black Queen.
The definition of insanity is
when you’re cheating at solitaire and a fight breaks out.
Why did the one lion die by wildebeests in The Lion King?
Because he didn’t Mufasa.
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see
is the one that says: “If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.”
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?”
There’s a little-known but foolproof defense against sharks.
Sharks will only attack you if you’re wet.
Breaking News:
Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare’s house have uncovered thousands of monkey skeletons.