How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
Take away their little brooms.
And typewriter ribbons?
I don’t get that one.
Mufasa is the lion who died. His name sounds sorta like “move faster”.
That one’s a stretch. ‘Moo-fah-sah’? Doesn’t make sense. I eventually interpreted it as ‘Move fastah’, requiring the replacement of the ‘ah’ sound with a ‘short a’ sound.
EDIT: Prof.Pepperwinkle, Ninja.
My dog can find anything!
He’s a Labragoogle.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Unattended children
will be given energy drinks and taught to swear.
Dogs prepare you for babies.
Cats prepare you for teenagers.
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the hippo.
My friend told me his dog could bring him a ball from a mile away.
I dunno, that sounds pretty far-fetched.
I went to a zoo, but they only had one animal, a small dog.
It was a shih tzu.
My dog is at the vet for observation because he ate a bag of Scrabble tiles.
No word yet.
That was the joke I got on the air back in the early 80s on KMET’s “5 O’Clock Funnies.” Only the rhino was batting.
Optimist: The glass is 1/2 full
Pessimist: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is January 2
Same.
A little bit of heaven ninety-four point seven. K-M-E-T. Tweedle-dee!
KMET - Just a little bit further left on your dial.
Ain’t that the truth!
Unless you want it to be January 2, in which case it will be some random 5-digit number.
My version was a gorilla at bat and a giraffe on deck.
What’s the difference between a cow and a hamster?
A cow survives branding.
How do you know if a police horse is lame?
Its hooves go, " Good Clop, Bad Clop".
I got my wife one of those books I know she’ll read over and over again:
Coping with Memory Loss.
On a scale of 1 to 10…
How much binary do you use?
I read somewhere that 37 is too old to still be living with your parents.
It was on a note, in my bedroom
I’m starting a new business where I host parties for football players
Just trying to make ends meet.
What does an Indianapolis Colts fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
He turns off the PlayStation.
Teams always get fresh uniforms for the Super Bowl.
They come from New Jersey.
What’s a football player’s favorite ice cream?
Any given sundae
Did you hear about the quarterback who switched teams after being sacked 8 times?
The grass was greener on the other side of defense.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
Put me in coach.
Why aren’t you allowed to wear glasses when playing football?
Because it’s a contact sport.
Your team is really bad at football.
No offense.
I got this one from a Laffy Taffy wrapper:
Q: Why are football stadiums so windy?
A: This package not labeled for individual sale.
I know, I don’t get it either.
That last one’s choice, MMM!
Q. What’s the difference between a $20.00 steak and a $55.00 steak?
A. Valentine’s Day
It wasn’t easy for the guy who invented the microphone in the beginning.
He got some really bad feedback.
My wife asked me, “Which one of my two quilts you like better?”
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Why do you eat when you’re cold and angry?
A BRRR GRRR.
Booked a table for two on Valentines Day!
Hope my girlfriend likes snooker.
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.
“Yes,” came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, “I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.”
“That was very kind of you,” Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought."
Tony smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”
A man wanted Valentine’s Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist’s to order a bouquet of his wife’s favorite flower: white anemones.
Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.
The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor.
He added a card and proceeded home.
After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift.
She opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.”
"Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something…
I’m not rich like Jack, I don’t have a mansion like Russell, and I don’t have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."
“Oh, dear… I love you too… but, what was that you said about Martin?”
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A boyfriend asks his girlfriend:
“What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine’s Day?”
“Well, I don’t know” she answers shyly.
“OK, then I give you another year to think about it…”
I bought a perfume that has no fragrance.
It makes no scents.
If you get nostalgic about childhood camping trips……
you are just living in the past tents.
A man with dementia walks into a bar
He spots a pretty lady, sits next to her and asks, “So, do I come here often?”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.
She said she hated the constant Star Wars puns.
I looked at the therapist and said, “Divorce is strong with this one.”
What do you a call a fat lady who can tell the temperature?
Yourmometer