So, we do all remember, do we not, that the second person to be vaccinated in the UK was, in fact, William Shakespeare?
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A1: Get dressed - the doctor is taking us out.
A2: We must be approaching Capistrano - here comes another swallow.
I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles.”
She replied, “Sorry…"
"We only take cash or card.”
Whats the difference between an onion and a bagpipe.?
Nobody cries when you cut up a bagpipe.
Why couldn’t the misspelled quotation come to the party?
Because it was [sic].
A fox, a wolf and a weasel all go to a restaurant.
The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink.
“Water” says the Fox,
“Coffee” growls the Wolf,
And “Pop!” Goes the Weasel!
Thomas Aquinas walks into a bar, and the bartender pours him a big goblet of mead.
Bartender says, “How ya doin?”
Aquinas says, “Oh, not so great. I’ve been working on this treatise for seminarians. Uh, basically explains all the major points of Catholicism. It could be the most important theological document of our time, and I even thought of the perfect title: Summa Theologica.”
Aquinas continues, “So, I finish it, and I misplaced it. I can’t find it anywhere, and I can’t understand why God would inspire me to do this and then allow it to be taken away. What is God trying to tell me?”
Bartender says, “Eh. You win summa, you lose summa.”
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shay.
I visited my doctor today and he told me I am going deaf.
That was difficult to hear.
A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked…
“What’s this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?”
Her husband replied, “It’s a proxy war between Russia and NATO.”
“Oh, right. How’s it going?”
“Well,” he replied, “so far we’ve lost 200,000 soldiers, 4,000 tanks, 500 aircraft, numerous helicopters, loads of armored vehicles and artillery pieces along with our ‘flag ship’.”
“Wow! What about NATO?”
“They haven’t turned up yet.”
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider…
They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
“Hold on tight!” says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
“That’s amazing!” says the second caterpillar. “How are you doing that?!”
The first caterpillar scoffs. “Am I the only one in the whole forest who knows how to drive a stick?”
What’s the best part about being 111 years old?
No peer pressure.
Bondage is so much easier now that we’re older.
Instead of blindfolding her, I just hide her glasses.
“I’m dating a woman from Pennsylvania.”
“Hershey?”
“No, they/them.”
I want my children to have everything I could never afford.
And then I want to move in with them.
I love my job.
Wife: But all you do is round up cows.
Me: What did you say?
Wife: You herd.
Does anybody know how to get peanut butter out of hair?
I made myself a sandwich earlier.
Doctor: I’m afraid your results don’t look too good.
Me: What? Why?
Doctor: My printer is low on ink.
Why doesn’t Satan’s cheerleading squad win any competitions?
Because they have no chants in Hell.
Someone broke into my house and stole every bulb.
I was delighted.
Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don’t notice when a word in a sentence is replaced
by a musical instrument.
Did you know that the Pentagon was originally supposed to be an Octagon?
The contractor just kept cutting corners.
List of 10 worst dog breeds
- There
- Are
- No
- Bad
- Dog
- Breeds
- Only
- Bad
- Owners
- Chihuahuas
A Buddhist monk saw Jesus’ face in a tub of margarine.
He exclaimed, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”
A man goes to the doctor.
“Doc, I’m worried. My wife and I both have black hair, but she just gave birth to a red-headed baby. Should I be concerned?”
“Not necessarily. How often do you have sex?”
“Oh, five or six times a year.”
“Well, there’s your problem. You’re just a little rusty.”
Filmmaker Jean Cocteau was asked, “If your house was on fire, and you could only take one thing from it, what would you take?”
“I’d take the fire.”
Why do cows wear cowbells?
Their horns don’t work.
What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?
Stationary.
What’s a honeymoon sandwich?
Lettuce alone with no dressing.
Doctor: “Please remove your pants and underwear.”
Me: “Where should I put them?”
Doctor: “Over there, next to mine.”
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
Two bacteria walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”
The bacteria respond, “No, it’s okay. We’re staph.”
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Microwave it until it’s Bill Withers.
Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball…
… and you just don’t know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor.
The day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Smith a visit.
“We’re sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr. Smith, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?” Fearing the worst, Mr Smith asked for the bad news first. “We’re sorry to inform you, sir,” the policeman said, “We found your wife’s body in the San Francisco Bay this morning.” “Oh, my God!” said a distraught Mr. Smith. “What’s the good news?” “When we pulled her up,” said the policeman, “She had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her.” “What?” a confused Mr Smith exclaimed. “So, what’s the great news?” The officer replied, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
Love the last one! I think I’ll steal it.
A mathematician says, “Oh, that problem is as easy as pi is equal to negative square root of negative one, times the natural logarithm of negative one.”
When asked by someone not as well educated in such things to explain, the mathematician says, “Oh, it’s just an expression.”
Why did the bald guy get tattoos of rabbits on his head?
Because, at a distance, they looked like hares.
What gets burning hot right before it freezes?
A laptop.
If 666 is the number of evil…
Then 25.8069758011279 is the root to all evils?
I’m alright with pot being legalized.
But cocaine? That’s where I draw the line.
I’m writing a book on how tornadoes and hurricanes develop.
At the moment, it’s just a draft.
I still remember Grandpa’s last words before he bought the farm.
“How much do you want for this here farm?”
True story: when I was a kid, my grandmother told me that she and my grandfather took flying lessons during the war, “but we stopped flying when we bought the farm.”
“Grandma! You can’t say it that way!”
What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
I was playing Scrabble the other day.
The game was not going well, it was likely because I had Irritable Vowel Syndrome, and I was Consonantipated.
What is quantum metal smelted from?
Either ore.
A man’s wife was celebrating her birthday
Her husband made a nice candlelight dinner. It was gorgeous. At the end of the dinner she asks for her present.
Husband all happy says I was hoping you’d ask that, go to the window.
Woman goes to the window and asks “so what am I looking at?”
Her husband points and says do you see that beautiful red Ferrari parked outside?
Wife all happy starts going crazy “omg omg thank you, I love it!”
Do you like the color?- asks the husband
Yes it’s gorgeous, she says.
Her husband all happy says “I bought you a lipstick in that exact color.”
I dated a Hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal.
I didn’t get it. I was raised Catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.
This reminds me of a spectacular line from the show Derry Girls:
Did you hear about the soldier who snuck behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.
I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my archenemy.
I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking.
Man: “I’ve always had this absurd feeling that I’m a cartoon character.”
Psychologist: “That’s a rather unusual mental state… How long have you felt this way?”
Man: “Ever since I was an outline…”
Don’t run with bagpipes.
You could put your aye out or worse yet, get kilt.
What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.
“Anything to drink?”, the waitress asked the weasel.
“Pop.”