Well, you are looking a bit drawn…
To measure the quality of your puns…
You must use a sighsmograph.
The cannibal coach couldn’t decide between the raw rookie or the seasoned veteran.
I went for a job interview at the Blacksmiths yesterday.
He asked me if I had ever shoed a horse. I said no, but I once told a donkey to f-off.
A passenger on a cruise ship sees a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is that?” the passenger asks the captain.
“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad.”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror…
I thought to myself, “I’m going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now.”
I was given a single chance to fix an abacus -
I better make it count.
A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet’s:
He says: “I’ve come to talk wi’ thee about me cat.”
The vet replies: “Is it a tom?”
The Yorkshireman says: “No, I’ve brought him here wi’ me.”
My wife and I are not particularly religious, but the future Mrs. solost wanted to be married in a Catholic Church.
I was waiting in a back room behind the altar area where the priest and the altar boys do their preparations just before the ceremony started.
I found a sign above a little sink in that room amusing: DO NOT POUR LEFTOVER COMMUNION WINE DOWN SINK OR THROW OUT WAFERS! REMEMBER, IT’S THE TRANSUBSTANTIATED ACTUAL FLESH AND BLOOD OF CHRIST!
Catholics take their transubstantiation seriously.
and now even more jokes here:
There were probably two sinks there. One was just a normal sink. The other one was a special sink that, instead of draining to the sewer, just drains straight into the ground. That sink is for washing out the communion chalice, and anything else that might have even slight traces of the Eucharist. Because you have to do something with those things, and mixing it all in with sewage would be disrespectful.
Not just the Catholics. In high school, I was part of a Lutheran youth group. We once visited a senior home and helped our pastor with a mass there. After the mass, the pastor had some leftover consecrated wine. I guess he figured me to be one of the more responsible kids of the group; after the service, he waved me over and asked me to help him out a little more – there was too much for him to deal with by himself, so he poured me a swig or two and we finished it off.
No, I can’t say I was then able to peform any real miracles… unless surviving as long as I have counts, and maybe so.
A vignette at parachute training school:
“If the main parachute fails to open, how long do we have to open the reserve chute?”
“The rest of your life”.
I threw a ball for my dog the other day -
A little over the top, but he looked great in a tuxedo.
Why do broccoli make the best racecar drivers?
Because they floret.
Why don’t racecar drivers eat before the big race?
They might get Indy-gestion.
What do we want?
RACECAR NOISES!
When do we want it?
NNNEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW!
What is written on a successful hacker’s tombstone?
“R”
His IP is well hidden.
A snail was in an auto race, driving a car with a large “S” on the sides. One spectator commented: “Look at that ‘S’ car go!”
I believe the spectator was Eddie Murphy.
Alfred Drake, I think.
Boss: “I can clearly smell alcohol on somebody’s breath!”
One of the staff: “Um, boss, this is a Zoom meeting.”
If he were alive Steve Jobs would have made a much better president than Trump.
But that’s comparing Apple to oranges.
It’s very difficult for Christians to do trigonometry.
Because Christ took away their sin.
What do you call a dog that floats?
A good buoy.
What was Helen Keller’s favorite color?
Corduroy.
I heard a great joke about sausage but I forgot how it goes. I’ll have to send you a link.
My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping
He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.
In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….
But now is the winter of our disco tent.
I hate optimists.
They’ll jump out of a plane expecting sunshine and rainbows to cushion their fall. Meanwhile, I’ll look both ways before crossing the street and get hit by the optimist.
My gloves were stolen yesterday…
They fell into the wrong hands.
I’m dating a gymnast.
She’s head over heels.
Why did the walrus feel bad about himself?
Because he was untuskworthy.
This just happened.
I was at Trader Joe’s to pick up my Cobb salad. A ‘crewmember’ was stocking the salads. I told her that someone’s going to get married in a church. She looked puzzled. I pointed to the produce in the bin next to us and said, ‘Cantaloupe.’
She gave a polite laugh, and then as I turned to walk away with my salad she laughed harder and said, ‘OK, that was pretty good.’
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
What’s white on top and black at the bottom?
Society.
Why did the Grim Reaper schedule an appointment with his eye doctor?
He was having issues with his death perception.
A man is sitting in a confessional and says…
Forgive me Father, Vicar, Pastor, Padre, Priest…
For I have synonymed.
I don’t know why I was fired from the suicide hotline.
I was doing a great job. Nobody ever called back for more help.