Mho puns! Mho puns!
I’m hoping this is just a phase. Maybe you have more bandwidth, but I’m not sure I have the capacitance to absorb any of your mismatched pubs.
What does the rest of the world call a comedian from the UK?
Unemployed.
How warm is a baby at birth?
Womb temperature.
I told a joke to Optimus Prime at Universal the other day, and I was arrested.
Apparently they frown upon
Vehicular man’s laughter.
A billionaire built a large pool for his man-eating shark.
At parties he would tell guests, “If anyone can swim the length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.”
No one ever took the billionaire up on the offer. Then one night a man jumped in. Everyone stared as the man raced to the end of the pool and hopped out just before the shark took a big chomp at the edge of the pool.
The billionaire started yelling with glee, “Congratulations you are the first person who has ever done that!! Now what would you like? Would you like $10 million?” The man gasped, “No thank you.” He said, “Would you like half of my estate?” The man said, “No thank you.” He said, “Ahh, you want the hand of my daughter in marriage?” The exasperated man said, “No thank you!”
So the billionaire said, “Well what do you want?”
The man said, “I want the name of the person that pushed me in.”
I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents…
That’s the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered.
She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she’s prejudiced. “I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin.”
“Sit down,” says the judge. “That’s the prosecuting attorney.”
The Earth is not flat. If it were, cats would have already knocked everything off the edge. Scientific proof. Too many science deniers are oblivious of the facts.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I hope Elon Musk doesn’t have any big scandals because ElonGate could get drawn out forever.
The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter’s headquarters into a homeless shelter.
The bad news is, it can only house 280 characters, or less.
What happens when a crematory and a tanning salon share a building?
A fifth degree burn.
I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush today.
There’s no plaque.
How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
You will see one later and one in a while.
What do you call a crocodile enlisted in the marines?
A navigator.
You can’t run through a campground.
You can only ran. It’s past tents.
A pig and a donkey are standing out in a farmer’s field.
The pig tells the donkey: "Man, you sure have a crappy life. They take you out in the morning, have you drag carts, turn millstones, pull the plough, and after dark they feed you a nothing but hay. Meanwhile I’m just eating, sleeping and rolling around in the mud all day long, I sure am lucky not to be you.
The donkey turns towards the pig, leers at him, and replies: “Yeah. The pig that was here last year said the same thing.”
My wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face.
I love Sharpies.
What’s the difference between democracy and feudalism?
In feudalism, it’s your count that votes!
I was offered sex with a 21 year old today
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".
People are so rude when they suffer from kidney failure -
It’s like they have no filter.
I want to commission a marble bust as soon as I get my next paycheck.
My girlfriend told me not to get a head of myself.
They say you can predict the next president based off bumper stickers.
According to my research the president should have been that one honor student.
After a long discussion and practical evaluation, my wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids…
We’ll be telling them tomorrow, after dinner.
What do you call a video of pedestrians?
Footage
Reminded me of a 2-panel cartoon I saw somewhere:
Panel 1: A father is hugging his small son. “Son, the breakup is not your fault. Your mother and I still love you. We’re just going to be living apart from now on”.
Panel 2: The father is driving away, leaving his son behind, next to a building with a sign saying “orphanage”.
It’s a five-minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
I told myself to stop drinking…
But I’m not gonna listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
I made a New Year’s resolution to drink more water.
So far, I’ve only gotten as far as “drink more”.
It was my birthday yesterday, and I received $500 from all the cards I opened.
I really love working in a post office.
I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes
The jokes didn’t go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.
I made a chicken salad this morning
Stupid thing won’t even eat it.
James is walking on a downtown street one day,
and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. “Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
“Not so good,” says Harry.
“Why, what happened?” James queries.
“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.
“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”
“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.
“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. “Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”
James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. “Could have been worse,” he says. “Could have happened to me.”
Tell it once, people think you’re a wit. Tell it twice, and people think you’re a half-wit.
In Ancient Rome there were four types of poison. Poison I, Poison II and Poison III would all kill you instantly.
Poison IV just made you itchy.
Lowes is celebrating Pride Month.
I couldn’t find a straight board in the entire store.
Somebody stole my thesaurus…
…and I have no words to describe how I feel.
My daughter and I did a science experiment for the end of the school year: we decided to weigh a rainbow.
Turns out it was pretty light.
I painted my Jell-O to look like concrete.
It’s not as hard as it looks.
Someone took my mood ring and I don’t know how I feel about it.
It would also result in a malpractice case against the hospital.
Someone stole my 360-degree mirror. They’d better watch their back.