Something I learned from trail hiking is if you’re ever lost in the woods, do not panic, don’t go off trail, just say loudly and clearly “Elon Musk is not a Genius”. Several of the most obnoxiously nerdy men alive will appear out of nowhere to call you poor; then you can follow them to the parking lot where their Tesla has broken down.
Why we never get good photos of UFOs and alien beings.
Classic Larson since UFO are in the news.
What do you call it when the Air Force tries to convince UFO witnesses they saw natural phenomenon?
Swampgaslighting
Just been chatting to my neighbour’s teenage daughter and it turns out she’s really into UFOs and aliens.
Which is cool because tomorrow she’s getting abducted.
As they stood on top of The Eiffel Tower, watching a beautiful sunset, he got down on one knee and said, “Honey?”
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”
He said, “Help! My replacement knee is made of magnets.”
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
What do you call it when soap feels guilty?
Shamepoo.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
I saw Black Panther 2 without knowing anything about it.
I had no idea Wakanda movie it was.
Why is it always a surprise when a meteor enters Earth’s atmosphere?
Because they appear out of thin air.
In Schrodinger’s time, was it considered ethical to use live cats in physics experiments?
Well – it was and it wasn’t.
I heard Reggae music coming from my printer.
The paper was jammin’.
Apparently you can walk down a particular street in New York and just disappear into Finnair.
George Carlin
“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
When you go to church in the morning you say, “Amen.”
When you go to church in the afternoon you say, “Pmen.”
I just beat a black belt at karate…
My next challenger is a green sock.
Did you know; you can fit 35 bananas in a kangaroos pouch
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore…
My wife wasn’t sure about getting a pet werewolf at first
But she’s since taken a real lycan to him.
It’s so hot this summer…
The Halloween candy at Walmart is starting to melt.
Why not? Cats use live people in physics experiments all the time.
I see it as a half a glass of vodka.
Technically, the glass is 100% full.
“There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What’s up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don’t think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass! Who’s been pinching my beer?
And at the other end of the bar the world is full of the other type of person, who has a broken glass, or a glass that has been carelessly knocked over (usually by one of the people calling for a larger glass) or who had no glass at all, because he was at the back of the crowd and had failed to catch the barman’s eye. ” - Pterry
Respect people who wear glasses
They paid money to see you.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and a sick joke?
One is a fit bunny, the other is a bit funny.
Thomas Edison needed Nikolai Tesla, Joseph Swan, James Bowman Lindsay, et al, to invent the light bulb.
Many hands make light work.
How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light?
Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.
I wanted to go skinny dipping this summer,
But at least I went chubby dipping.
My wife asked me if I’ve seen the dog bowl.
I said no, but I’d like to.
For a given value of “chubby?” Saw a bumper sticker–“I don’t skinny dip. I chunky dunk!”
The Geography of a Woman:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still, a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all-conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.
Mom, can I get a motorcycle?
Do you remember what happened to your uncle Louie?
That horrible, awful accident that killed him…
So you don’t want me to buy a motorcycle?
No, you can have his.
The first song from my new group, The Palindromes, is called…
If I Had A Hi-Fi,
What do you call the Swiss presidential plane?
Tobler One.
What’s the stinkiest color?
Poople.
What do you get when you cross a duck with a squirrel?
A nut quacker.
Green is my favorite color.
I love it more than blue and yellow combined.
I was forced to swallow purple food color.
I feel violated.
Last night I had a dream where I experienced a completely new color.
It was a pigment of my imagination.
What color is the wind?
Blew.
What do you call a person who studies the color blue?
A cyantologist.
Did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?
Debris was everywhere.