Why do Southern women hate group sex?
All of the thank you notes.
Welcome, cef!
What is Indiana Jones’ least favorite band?
Rolling Stones.
Do you know why Indiana Jones never got married?
Bad dates
That priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was actually a really inspirational guy.
He touched so many hearts.
My wife screamed at me, “You’re obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I’m leaving you.”
“May divorce be with you!!” I replied.
Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?
Because only Siths deal in Absolut.
Hey @cef ! What took you so long ?!
Here are some Tim Vine Jokes :-
-
“I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”
-
“I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'”
-
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
Not Whitesnake?
Last year I traveled around the world. This year, I want to go someplace different.
(I’d like to tell this joke in the ER but worry it might not be well received.)
My bedside lamp turned into a butterfly this morning.
That’s the last time I buy a cheap larva lamp.
Russian Might
2021 - The Russian Military is the second strongest in the world.
2022 - The Russian Military is the second strongest in the Ukraine.
2023 - The Russian Military is the second strongest in Russia.
I finished three books yesterday!
Boy, that was a lot of coloring.
I before E except after C.
I would never have expected the color Beige to be so rebellious.
Two toothpicks are walking through a forest…
…and come across a hedgehog. One says to the other, “Look, a bus!”
It took me almost ten years but I’ve finally completed my first novel.
I may read another.
mmm
Oh, bravo! You’ve improved on an otherwise overly long and racist joke that I used to like! 
“Beige” follows the rule, as it’s sounded as “A”.
“I before E except after C, or when sounded as A as in ‘neighbor’ or ‘weigh’”
But one could seize upon many weird exceptions and I’m sure you could find more at your leisure.
Oooh. That was good.
Here’s another version of that joke with no racism, a drunk lady and animated violence.
I just learned the other day (from a crossword clue, I think) that nachos are named after their inventor (it’s a nickname for Ignacio).
How about those chilies you stole from some guy’s smokehouse?
Those ancho chilies!
Why does the tortilla chip always beat the potato chip in a debate?
The tortilla chip has a point.
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he’s stuck in traffic and he’s going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.
Edit2: He’s making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she giggled, “I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies!”
Okay, LSD it is!
I once swallowed a dictionary:
I had thesaurus throat imaginable.
A man walks into a movie theater and sees a pig.
Disgusted by the wild boar, the man asks, “Why is there a pig in this movie theatre?”
The pig turns around and says, “I liked the book.”
That’s good to know. Thanks for the tip, and have Anaya’s day.
Two kids are talking.
“What does your dad do for a living?”
“My daddy is dead.”
“What did he do before he died?”
“He just sorta clutched his chest and fell over.”
What’s a San Diego?
A waffle on the beach.
When I die I want to come back as a spider,
That way I’ll finally hear girls say “OMG, it’s huge.”
Why are so many Americans stupid?
They shoot the ones who go to school.
Al, Ben, and Carl were stranded on a deserted island. One day Al found an old jar in the sand.
When the jar was opened, a genie came out and said to them, “You have freed me from my jar. For the rest of your time on this island, I am obligated to grant each of you one wish per year. But no wishing anyone, including yourself, off the island.”
“In that case,” said Al, “I wish for 365 books, so that I can read one per day for a year.” Instantly, 365 books appeared.
“I wish for 365 cans of beer,” said Ben, “so that I can drink one per day for a year.” Instantly, 365 cans of beer appeared.
“I wish for 365 cigarettes,” said Carl, “so that I can smoke one per day for a year.” Instantly, 365 cigarettes appeared, and the genie disappeared back into the jar.
A year later, the genie came back out of the jar to grant each of Al, Ben, and Carl another wish.
“I wish for 365 more books,” said Al. Instantly, 365 more books appeared.
“I wish for 365 more cans of beer,” said Ben. Instantly, 365 more cans of beer appeared.
Carl looked sternly at the genie and said, “I wish for a lighter.”
My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.
It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.
A teacher is meeting with concerned parents about the academic struggles their young son is having.
The teacher says, “good news-- we’ve determined your son is dyslexic, which is a very treatable condition. Many people with dylexia have gone on to very happy, successful lives in many diferent fields. In fact, we feel that not only can we greatly improve your son’s academics, we think he has the potential to be a very talented writer!”
The relieved parents say “that’s fantastic! We didn’t think he’d ever be a good writer, let alone that he had talent!”
The teacher says, “Well, potentially-- since he’s dyslexic, right now it’s just latent.”