Don’t be a wide guy.
Oof, too soon, dude.
Q: What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A: Mississippi.
Columbine was 24 years ago.
A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.
“$100,” said the dentist.
“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”
“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.
The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”
“Well, that would be unusual, but we could do that. It would be about $75.”
The man thinks some more.
“What about if you used a trainee and no anesthetic?”
“Well,” said the dentist,” I think that could work, but it would be a lot more painful. I think that would be about $35.”
The man thought some more.
“That’s still a lot. What if you make it a training session with a student doing the extraction, and the other students can watch?”
The dentist says, “Ok, that would be good for the students, but it will be traumatic to have it done that way. I’ll charge you $5 for that.”
“Great,” said the man. “That’s perfect. Can I book my wife for her appointment on Wednesday?
Where do the smart fish hang out?
A think tank.
Where do the smart fishermen catch em from?
A scholar ship.
Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary…
"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It’s Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "
“Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?”
“It’s her drinking…She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she’s been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly uncontrollable!”
“Well, Parker, that does sound terrible I suppose…”
“…But that’s not all. Before she orders anything, she goes to the jukebox and plays Surfin’ Bird by The Trashmen, ten times! It hardly fits the ambience…Oh you have to help me. I’m worried her reputation will be in tatters and she might even reveal International Rescue’s secrets!”
“Well it’s not our usual case, but…” Jeff Tracy furrowed his brow. “Does she always play that number?”
“Oh yes. Only Surfin’ Bird. She says it’s her favourite right now, but…”
“I’ve got it! All we need is to remove that record from the jukebox, and her audacious behaviour will be over for good!”
“Mr. Tracy, I’m not sure if…”
Before Parker could interject, Jeff was already making calls. “We’ll get Scott to take Thunderbird 1. We will be there in no time.”
Later, at the bar, Jeff was busy tinkering with the jukebox while Parker watched on apprehensively.
“Mr. Tracy, maybe we should try something else, like…”
“Hush, Parker. I’m concentrating. Besides, this plan is foolproof…Hmmm…Ah! Got it!” Jeff held the LP up high before flinging it out of a window. “And now, we wait.”
Like clockwork, Lady Penelope entered the bar and scrolled through the Jukebox looking for Surfin’ Bird. On discovering it was no longer there, she casually raised her eyebrow before nonchalantly walking over to the bartender and getting started on a bottle of Pernod Anise.
“What on Earth…?” gasped Jeff. “I thought that strategy couldn’t fail! Where did things go wrong, Parker???”
"You see, it is as I feared, Mr. Tracy…
…The song is over, but M’lady lingers on."
What did the tornado tell his son when his son faced a hardship?
Dude, just suck it up.
My woman asked me, “Which one do you like best, my beautiful face or my gorgeous body?
To which I replied, “Your self-confidence.”
Uvalde: May 24, 2022
Oh, has there not been one since? Maybe things are improving.
I really, really wanted to get this one, but I don’t - please can someone help me out?
M’lady ~ melody
Thanks - it was more that I hadn’t come across that song, just listened to it.
I didn’t get it either, but what disturbed me more is that they were playing an LP in a jukebox.
mmm
The day is just beginning.
If you lose one sense, apparently your other senses are enhanced.
This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.
Home repair is an addiction.
You’re always looking for the next fix.
The teacher asked Little Johnny, “If you have two dollars, and you ask your father for ten dollars, how much money will you have?”
“Two dollars,” answered Little Johnny.
“I don’t think you understand how this works,” said the teacher.
“I don’t think you know my father,” replied Little Johnny.
I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.
I found it impossible to differentiate between them.
Brother: Hey, I’m backing my car into the garage. Will you let me know when I’ve hit the wall?
Me: Sure.
[BANG!]
Me: It’s 4:35.
From this page:
Why can’t you tell school school shooting jokes in the US?
Because it’s always too soon.
Why is the pH of YouTube very stable?
Because it constantly buffers.
If you broke the Law of Gravity,…
…would you get a suspended sentence?
If the Silver Surfer teamed up with Iron Man…
…they’d be alloys.
How does the Moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Einstein developed a theory about space.
It was about time too.
copied from Tribel.
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he
thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.Looking
in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights
flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then
120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I’m too old for this, and
pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.Pulling in
behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch,
and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can
give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let
you go."The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper`
God: “Adam, I’ll let you name the birds”
Adam: “Tit”
God: “Uhh, ok”
Adam: “Boobie”
God: “Stop naming them after breasts”
Adam: Looks at rooster
11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.
11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.
11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.
11:38 - Realized watch was broken.
If you think your microwave oven is spying on you, just consider…
…your vacuum cleaner’s been gathering dirt on you for years.
Justin Bieber just announced he’s dyslexic.
Just take a moment and let that N’Sync.
Why can’t you go see the Supreme Court?
It’s already sold out.
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip.
“We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, “Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?”
Little Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, “Actually, we went to Ohio.”
Why are teachers so rude during summer vacation?
Because they have no class.
It wasn’t any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don’t want children.
The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.
I always appreciate a good pun, but never geographical ones
There’s Norway I’d sink Oslo as that.
Plateaus are…
…the highest form of geographical flattery.
I said, ‘I’m sad and ugly.’
My cat curled and rubbed around my ankles and said, ‘Hey, Human. Touch me, until you’re only ugly.’
One day my Dad sat down on a chair, picked me up and put me on his knee, and said, "Son.,…
…someday we will have two chairs."
What do you call a dog with no legs in the middle of the ocean?
A good buoy.
What are the propellers on an airplane for?
They work the air conditioner. Because when they stop working, the pilot starts sweating.
One day, while tolling the bells at Notre Dame, Quasimodo got a fingernail stuck in the pull cord and, when he tolled the bell, he pulled his fingernail out.
It was the first time the people of Paris heard a hunchback wail.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep
As Quasimodo got older, he decided that it was time for him to retire. He sent the word across Paris for people to audition.
Hundreds lined up for this prestigious job. One man in particular met Quasi and said “You’ve never heard the bells like I will play them” and heads up to the top of the tower.
Rather than pulling the cord, this man lined himself up to the bell, ran headlong and smashed his face right into the bell, producing the most beautiful tone that Quasi had ever heard. Again and again the man pounds his head into the bell and Quasi is brought nearly to tears with the emotion wrought from this unusual technique.
Unfortunately, before he could finish his audition, the man slips while running and his momentum takes him careening out of the bell tower, falling to his death below.
Quasimodo descends and joins the crowd where a police officer asks if anyone knows the man. Quasi steps up and says “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell.”