The next day, the man’s twin brother carries on the hauntingly beautiful work by doing likewise and perishing, and again Quasi fails to get his name. “But he’s a dead ringer for the guy who was here yesterday.”
*Justin Timberlake. Otherwise, good one!
Automation in airliners has gotten to the point that airlines will soon implement crews of one pilot and a dog.
The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot if he touches anything.
Whatever you do, always give 100%.
Unless you’re donating blood.
An oubliette implies the existence of a larger, far more terrifying, oobly.
Wait until you learn about omelies. SO many eggs…
As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others…
Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?
America sure is having some bad luck.
It’s almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
What’s the largest city in America?
Obesity
Just a friendly 4th of July reminder:
That absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the fireworks you recorded on your phone.
Why aren’t there any Independence Day knock knock jokes?
'Cause freedom rings.
15,000 of them, to be specific.
That’s silly. In France one egg is un oeuf.
Dammit! That’s the problem with such a long thread. You come in to post a ‘new one’, and somebody already posted it over 3,000 posts ago!
Yeah, we know that one as #365.
If you subscribed to that philosophy, you would have posted it anyway.
What did the philosopher say after he took a bath?
“I stink, therefore I swam.”
Some philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong.
I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.
An ancient Greek philosopher actually invented capitalism.
His name was Bysumades.
What’s a Philosophers favourite sport?
Discuss
Socrates the philosopher
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?”
“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied, “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”
“Triple filter?” asked the acquaintance.
“That’s right,” Socrates continued, “Before you talk to me about Diogenes let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.”
“All right,” said Socrates, “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?”
“No, on the contrary…”
“So,” Socrates continued, “You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, “You may still pass the test though because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?”
“No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?”
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
500 Bricks are on a plane. One falls out. How many are left?
499 bricks.
Great news! I got the whole plane to myself!
The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.
I saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a vet so I drive like an animal…
I then realized how many proctologists there are on the road.
What do you call a sausage in a room with a hungry wolf?
A wolf.
Where does the cynic go to pray
The Cynicgogue
Sally was walking down the street but suddenly died. Why?
She was hit by a falling brick.
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer…
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
What is the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.
How do computers get drunk?
You know… they just take screenshots.
Why do computers hate going to their file storage?
Because it’s a hard drive.
Yesterday my computer beat me in a chess game.
It’s still no match for me at kickboxing though.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Hike.
Hike who?
Unsuspecting son
Dad waiting with bated breath
Sets the perfect trap
very nice.
Teacher: What was that noise?
Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.
Teacher: Why was it so loud?
Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.
The furniture store man told me, “This sofa seats five people without any problems.”
I replied, “Where am I going to find five people without any problems?”
How were Viking longships able to communicate with each other effectively?
They used Norse code.
What do you call the Dark Knight and a bowl of noodles?
Batman and Ramen.
A hacker called my grandma and told her he had all her passwords.
“Thank God,” she answered grabbing some paper and a pencil, “what are they?”
A Grandfather tells his Grandson, "When I was a boy, you could go into a store with change in your pocket, and come out with a loaf of bread, lunch meat, and a bottle of milk.
The Grandson replies, " You can’t do that anymore Grandpa, there’s too many cameras now".
They won’t be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games.
They lost the opener.
Bud Light has always been trans…
It’s water that identifies as beer.
A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you…
A: Have lunch.
B: Browse the SDMB.
What’s your zodiac sign?
Dinosaur.
Uh, that doesn’t exist.
Neither do the others.
We were driving home from ‘dinner’ (an afternoon snack/lunch turned into a meal) yesterday, and there was a Charger ahead of us. I said to my wife, ‘If you built a shed out of a bunch of random stuff, and put that car in it, it would be a hodge-podge Dodge lodge.’ I was driving, so I didn’t see if she rolled her eyes or not.
A couple of minutes later she repeated it and laughed. She said, ‘Did you see that somewhere, or did you just make it up?’ I wold her I’d made it up. She said, ‘That’s pretty good.’
Not bad. Maybe also a camouflage splodge anagoge?
If I had a 25¢ coin from a certain Central American country, I’d have a Guatemala quatah dollah.