Glad to see you haven’t lost your mailman job between posts #2408 and #3648!
Customer: “Waiter - this coffee tastes like mud.”
Waiter: “Well - it was just ground yesterday.”
Waiter to a table full of middle-aged women:
“Is anything ok?”
Ah, your memory is better than mine!
That reminds me of one I heard years and years ago. It’s a gross-out joke though, so I will spoiler out the gross part-- be warned…
A traveling salesman stops into a diner for lunch and sits down at the counter. The owner says “what’ll it be, buddy?” The salesman says “I’ll take a bowl of chili.” the owner says “sorry, we’re all out.” the salesman says “that’s a shame-- I really had a hankering for chili.” The owner says “the guy next to you got the last bowl.”
The salesman looks at the guy sitting next to him, who’s eating a sandwich, with the full bowl of chili just sitting there. The salesman says to him “excuse me, but I really felt like a bowl of chili-- you going to eat that?” The guy says “no, help yourself.”
So the salesman starts hungrily eating the chili.
A little past halfway through the bowl, he sees a dead mouse revealed at the bottom. He’s so disgusted, he throws up the already eaten chili back into the bowl. The guy next to him says, “yep, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
And that reminds me of a cartoon I saw decades ago (probably in Playboy).
Behind a Chinese restaurant: A server stands in the doorway. A cook holds a bowl in front of a wino’s mouth, waiting for the wino to vomit into it. The chef says [using offensive language, elided], ‘You tell that [American, Caucasian customer] he’ll just have to wait for his hot-and-sour soup!’
If all the world’s a stage…
… where does the audience sit?
My wife is as beautiful as the day I married her.
It just takes her 15 minutes longer to get there.
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
He’s got that down-in-the-mouth look.
In 1946 Rosamond Lehmann attended a dinner given by Edith Sitwell at the Sesame Club following a poetry reading at the Wigmore Hall:
‘Dylan Thomas and his wife both arrived wildly drunk, fought and hit
each other, and altogether presented a painful problem to Edith and all
the distinguished guests, as they could neither be disposed of nor tamed,’
Rosamond related. ‘I shall never forget Mrs Thomas shoving a drunken
elbow into her ice cream, then offering the elbow to T. S. Eliot & telling
him to “lick it off ”.’
Selina Hastings, Rosamond Lehmann
Ignorance is no excuse –
It’s the real thing.
– Irene Peter
People fall in love…
… but they have to climb out.
– Lawrence J. Peter
The Sitwell siblings (Edith, Osbert and Sacheverell) were a mad bunch all on their own, and surrounded themselves with similarly eccentric types.
This is a review of one of Sir Osbert Sitwell’s autobiographies, titled “The Scarlet Tree: The Charming and Perceptive Account of How Young Osbert Became The Unwilling Victim of Victorian Education”:
The Sitwells were also the subject of satirical sketch by Noel Coward “The Swiss Family Whittlebot”. The Sitwells did not take this well.
We now return you to the usual stream of jokes.
(quoted by Gyrate, not said by Gyrate)
Any idea what that line means? (From the context apparently something to do with sexual desire; but I can’t figure it out.)
I take it as meaning when an individual becomes part of society, but YMMV.
What has 50 feet but can’t walk?
Half a centipede.
“Say, what’s the death rate around here?”
“Same as anywhere else – one per person.”
A man complains to his friend that he’s having trouble keeping his neighbor’s free range chickens out of his flower beds.
A couple of weeks later his friend notices the flower beds are doing great and asks how he managed to keep the birds away. “It wasn’t all that hard,” says his friend. “One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me pick them up. I wasn’t bothered after that.”
I call English my mother tongue…
…as father rarely got the chance to use it.
A Freudian slip…
…is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
Freud claimed everything in psychology was all about the penis, but that’s just a phallusy.
A Steven Wright joke.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
An angel was feeling rather blue with the uniform sameness of heaven and went to see St. Peter.
“All I do,” the angel said, “is play the harp endlessly, and I’m getting bored.”
St. Peter asked, “What would you rather do?”
The angel answered, “I like to dance.”
“We don’t allow dancing here in heaven,” St. Peter said, “but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance.”
“I’m gone,” the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave. The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again.
Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, “I’m back and I am so happy. I’ll never feel bored again.”
St. Peter said, “That’s wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?”
“Oh, no,” the angel said, “I left my harp in Sam Frank’s Disco!”
Timely post.
mmm
For the last couple of weeks i’ve been unable to stop singing songs by Tony Bennett, Nat King Cole, Perry Como and Bing Crosby.
After a while it all got too much so I went to see my doctor.
Apparently I have crooner virus!
After an undersea concert, a group of clam musicians go out for a night on the town
They all left their instruments at the concert hall, except for Connie, who always insists on bringing her harp wherever she goes. They started out at a hip dance club called “Sam’s”. After a few drinks, they moved on to a few other clubs. As they were leaving the last one, Connie cries out, “Oh no!”
Her friends asked her what was wrong, and she said, "I left my harp in Sam’s Clam Disco!
A married couple are celebrating their anniversary at the restaurant where they had their first date. About halfway through dinner, the husband asks his wife a question.
“Honey, I was just wondering something,” he said.
“What’s that, dear?” the wife wondered.
“Well… we’ve been together for so long, and I’m wondering, you know, how many different men you’ve been with?”
The wife is immediately reluctant to answer, not wanting to hurt her husband’s feelings. “Oh, I don’t know. You might get jealous and upset.”
“No, no,” the husband promised. “I won’t get upset. Go ahead.”
“Okay, let’s see.” The wife begins to count in her fingers. “One, two, three, four, five, six.” She immediately stops. “And then there was you.”
The husband smiles when he realizes it wasn’t as bad as he thought it was. But he stops when he hears something.
“Seven, eight, nine…”
I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale:
I’ll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they’re actually cupcakes.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Psst, there is a slightly different version of the “I left my harp…” joke just before yours.
Yeah, I know, but this one’s for Tony.
Did you hear they’re remaking Dracula?
It’s a revamp.
Why do ants dance on the lids of jam jars?
It says, “Twist to open”.
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two flutes playing in unison.
As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Don’t join dangerous cults!
Practice safe sects.
That reminds me: I left my tart in Aunt Fran’s Crisco.