The original went (to the Boston cabbie)
Can I still get scrod at the Parker House?
Another guy came to see the same doctor and said ‘Doc, I have a problem with my penis, but if I show you, promise you won’t laugh?’.
The doctor said ‘Of course not - I’m a professional. No stop wasting time, and let me see the problem’. The guy drops his trousers, revealing a penis the same size and shape as a Double-A battery. The doctor stares at it, bites his lip, grits his teeth, but can’t control himself, and bursts out laughing.
After he calms down, the doctor says ‘I apologise - I am sorry for losing control - I haven’t seen anything like that before. Now, what exactly is the issue’?
The guys says ‘It’s all swollen’.
Not sure if I can tell this one properly, nor even that I understand it completely. Well, here goes nuthin’
Heisenberg, Goedel, and Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg says, “This is obviously a joke. But how can we tell if it’s funny?”
Goedel says, “We can’t tell if it’s funny, since we’re all in it!”
Chomsky says, “Oh, it’s funny, but it’s like you two were born unable to tell it right!”
I would have gone to the opera last night, but I had a conflict of interest…
…I didn’t want to go.
He used to be a bottle baby, but…
…when he reached the age of nine he pushed the cork out and escaped.
A pickpocket was arraigned in court.
The judge said, “Mr. Banks, you are hereby fined $200.”
Banks’s lawyer stood and said, “Your honor, Mr. Banks only has $140 at the moment. However, if you’ll allow him a few minutes with the crowd…”
If there are two flies in your kitchen, which one is the cowboy?
The one on the range.
I’m so depressed. My doctor refused to give me a prescription for Viagra.
He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
What did the mama Llama say to the baby llama as they prepared for a picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
A plane carrying picnic baskets has crashed in the jungle.
Rescue attempts are being hampered.
I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers…
But then I realized I really shouldn’t push my luck.
A boy and his younger sister went up to the ice cream seller at the beach. The vendor told them that he was out of all the flavors except strawberry.
“I want vanilla,” said the little girl.
“I’m sorry, but we don’t have any vanilla.”
“I want VANILLA!”
“I’m sorry, but…”
The boy told the ice cream man it was okay, they’d take two strawberries. Having paid, he received the cones.
Then he turned to his siste and said, “There you go, pink vanilla!”
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
As loath as I am to dropping the F-bomb, I’ll make exceptions for jokes.
A guy goes to an ice cream vendor and asks for strawberry ice cream.
The vendor says he’s out of strawberry. The man says, ‘OK, in that case I’ll have strawberry.’
The vendor says, ‘I just told you there’s no strawberry.’
‘Give me a strawberry, then!’
The vendor is angry now, so he says, ‘Is “straw” in “strawberry”?’
‘Yes. “Straw” is in “strawberry”.’
'Is there “berry” in “strawberry”?
‘Yes. “Berry” is in “strawberry”.’
‘Is there “fuck” in “strawberry”?’
‘There’s no “fuck” in “strawberry”.’
‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!’
At my boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at the coffin
‘Who’s thinking outside the box now, Gary?’
I’ve heard this one done without the “fuck”. You make the people British, and use “bloom” instead.
“I keep a lighter in my pocket at all times. I don’t smoke. I just really like certain songs.”
(Demetri Martin)
“‘Sort of’ is a harmless thing to say. It’s just filler. It doesn’t mean anything. Except after certain phrases: ‘I love you…’, or ‘You’re going to live…’, or ‘It’s a boy…’”
(Demetri Martin)
My aunt and uncle, when my two cousins were little, would sometimes take them to McDonald’s. Of course, the boys both wanted Big Macs, because that was what they saw the commercials for, but they were still eating child-sized portions. So my aunt and uncle would order “Two Big Macs, for them, and two regular hamburgers, for us”. And then hand the kids their “Big Macs”.
Come to think of it, that’s the same aunt who, when I was a kid, assured me every Thanksgiving “Oh, pecan pie is yucky, you wouldn’t want any of it”. While holding a plate of pecan pie.
Most McDs will add Big Mac Sauce to any burger, occasionally requesting a small fee. But cute story.
My dyslexic uncle used to be a baker in the Army.
He’d go in all buns glazing.
No, because the original question isn’t in quotes. The husband is paraphrasing the wife’s question. Like the OP said - don’t overthink it.
Having written his book, Ian Fleming chose to make a characteristically
convoluted approach to his publisher friend Plomer. On 12 May 1952 he was having lunch with Plomer in a London restaurant when he changed the course of their conversation to ask Plomer, ‘How do you get cigarette smoke out of a woman once you’ve got it in?’ Plomer, who delighted in the grotesque caprices of the human race, speculated rapidly on what he later called ‘this intimate-sounding injection’. Fleming then explained that one could not use a word like ‘exhales’, while ‘puffs it out’ sounded silly to his ears. At this point Plomer looked up sharply: ‘You’ve written a book!’ And Fleming, with a great show of reluctance, admitted that he had, and consented to let Plomer read it. The book was Casino Royale.
Peter F. Alexander, William Plomer
How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?
Only one, if it’s big enough.
-Roald Dahl
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
Are baseball umpires good eaters?
Yes, they always clean their plates.
A doctor answers a phone call late one evening and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
“We need a fourth player for poker,” says his friend.
“I’ll be right over,” says the doctor.
As he is putting on his coat his wife asks, “Where are you going at this hour?”
“I’m sorry, dear,” he replies, “but I have an emergency call.”
“Is it serious?” asks his wife.
“Oh yes, very serious,” replies the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”
So, what phrasing did Fleming use, then?
Spoiler!
Well, I got that one from a book of literary anecdotes, and it didn’t say. You could always read Casino Royale if you’re really curious.
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. (Ken Dodd)
I’m not that curious; but I am mildly curious about what was supposedly wrong with “exhales”.