Since we’re on the topic…
Q. How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Steven.
My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly
But frankly, my dear, I don’t give a shit!
How did M.C. Escher die?
He tripped and fell up the stairs
I asked my wife if I were the only one she’s ever been with.
She said, “yes, all the others were 9s or 10s.”
What do you call 500 Apaches with no nipples?
The Indian Nippleless 500.
The first issue had “Tales from the Decameron (new translation of Boccaccio) by Norman Holland”. The Feb. 1965 issue had the “Ribald Classic: The Seduction of Cecilia (retold by Michael Laurence).” It was a story from The Satyricon, originally as between a man and a younger boy, but changing the boy to a young woman. The punch line was, in both cases, “Stop that or I’ll tell your father!”
A “Ribald Classic” appeared occasionally. The latest on the first page of search results was from 1983.
Love it!
The definition of a perfectionist:
someone who wants to go from point A to point A+.
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, “…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“New Zealand, sir.” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave New Zealand?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.”
“Is that right?” replied the manager. “My wife is from New Zealand!”
“Really?” replied the boy. “Who did she play for?”
A man out shopping bought some new condoms.
When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she asked.
“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.
“Gold, of course,” said the man.
“Really?” she said. “Why don’t you wear silver—it would be nice if you came
second for a change!”
What do you call a thousand million million million piccolos?
A gigolo.
Q. What do you call a female pig?
A. A sow.
Q. What do you call a male deer?
A. A buck.
Q. What do you call 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?
A. One hundred sows and bucks.
A skunk, a doe, and a giraffe are walking through the woods, bored. They come to a clearing where there’s a new nightclub. They cheer.
“Wait,” says the skunk, “I’ve only got a scent.”
“I had a buck on me last night,” says the doe.
“C’mon you two,” says the giraffe, “The highballs are on me.”
Two Dullards are hunting in a deep forest. They come upon a clearing, where a lovely young woman is sunning, naked.
The first guy says, “Why, Hello there Little Lady! Would you care for some company?”
She replies, “I’m game!”
The second guy shot her.
That’s the punchline I heard (though my version is first person).
I made up a different punchline: ‘So I put a quarter in her slot and played her.’
That reminds of the one where the guy comes home and says “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
The wife says “That’s great news! Where are we going? France? Spain? Italy?”
The husband says “I don’t care where you go… just get the fuck out!”
Where do you wash a Canadian Conservative?
In the lav-a-tory
What do you call a Canadian Liberal who tips over outhouses?
John Turner.
What do you call a musical pay toilet?
Johnny Cash.
Dammit. I’m trying really hard, but I’m just not getting this one. Lil’ help, please?
One hundred thousand bucks.
Ohhhhh. < smack > Thanks.
[This one needs to be read aloud]
For Sigmund Freud, what came between Fear and Sex?
Fünf.