Nice!
There were two cats, one from the UK and one from France. The British cat was named one-two-three, and the French cat was named un-deux-trois. They decided to have a swimming contest across the English Channel, from the coast of England to the coast of France. Which cat won and why?
One-two-three won because un-deux trois cat sank (un deux trois quatre cinq)
I remember Tony Randall telling that one to Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show. I have never forgotten it.
(I believe his version had the husband calling from work, with the punchline "I don’t care, just have your ass out of there before I get home)
mmm
(post deleted by author)
[quote=“Shoeless, post:437, topic:848629, full:true”]
Ha ha ha! Brilliant!
Reminds me of another one. I forget the build up but the punchline is:
“Women are awful and men justifiably hate them”
Hil-aaaaarious
That would work better if the English cat was called four-three-two.
“Neil before me.”
In my defense, they were breaking and antering.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Pagano?” “Yes, Father, it is.” “And who was the girl you were with?” “I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.” “Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?” “I’ll never tell.” “Was it Nina Capelli?” “I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.” “Was it Cathy Piriano?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?” “Please, Father! I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.” Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “Well what’d you get?” Johnny says “Four months vacation and five good leads…”
Assuming my German is correct, @kayaker, that sure looks like a rape joke. There was a mod note specifically not to post such things. Do not do this.
RickJay
Moderator
Here’s another Redd Foxx joke from a live performance:
The teacher told the little boy to use the word “definitely” in a sentence. The little boy said,
“The sky is definitely blue.”
The teacher said, “No, because when it gets cloudy the sky is gray.”
“OK, the grass is definitely green.”
The teacher said, “No, because if it doesn’t rain the grass turns brown.”
Then the little boy said, “Teacher, do farts have lumps in 'em?”
The teacher said, “No!”
The boy said, “Well, then I definitely shit.”
Then he said, “Hey, the lady in the front row just said, ‘He said shit!’ Hang around lady, because I’m going to say ‘fuck’ next!”
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said: “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying: “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said: “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
Too soon.
Sehr?
A husband races in the door and says, “Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!”
“Oh, that is great! What should I pack?”
“I don’t give a shit, just get out!”
In Downtown Los Angeles, Grand Avenue and Olive Street are one block apart and run parallel to each other.
One moonless night the power went out and left the city in complete darkness. Popeye was feeling his way up and down Olive and thought it was Grand.
Ladies and gentlemen… The Aristocrats!
Why don’t vegans eat pudding?
You can’t have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat.
Couple laying in bed, wife asks the husband, “If I died, do you think you’d take another woman?”
“I guess I probably would, yes.”
“Would you let her wear my clothes?”
“Makes sense, you have a fortune in clothing.”
“Would you let her drive my car?”
“Of course, no sense getting rid of a good BMW.”
“Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
“Of course not, she’s left-handed.” 
Pearl Bailey was quoted as saying “All these women say they’re offended because I talk dirty. If they so pure, how do they know what I’m talking about?”
Oh, for the luvva… I’ve known how to spell that word since 8th grade German class. I had posted “Sehr” and thought I’d better check the spelling – since the memory is going – and the first thing Googled was a song called, “Zehr Gut,” and I thought, hooray! I caught a boo-boo in the nick of time. 
Well, by this time next month the rest of my faculties will be evaporated and what were we talking about? Where the hell am I? 
What do you call a fish with three eyes?
FIIISH!
