More Jokes

What do you call a fish with four eyes?


Amputees, skip this.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs…

…in the water (Bob)

…on the wall (Art)

…his father (Pop art)

…on the front door step (Matt)

…in a pile of leaves (Russell)

…in a pot of hot water (Stu)

What do you call a man with no legs…(Neil)

What do you call a woman with one leg…(Eileen)

What do you call a Spanish woman with no legs…(Consuelo)

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs…

…on the beach? Sandy

…on the beach? Shelly

What do you call a goat with no legs in the water (Billy Bob)

How did the lepers…

end the poker game (They threw in their hands)
fail the driving test (They left their foot on the gas)
stop the hockey game (Their was a faceoff in the corner)
serenade the girls (They sang “Put Your Head on My Shoulder”)

… comes in your mailbox every month (Bill)

… smells like livestock (Barney)

… sits on the President’s desk (Vito)

Took me a minute.

Q. Why is duct tape like the Force?

A. It has a light side and a dark side and it binds the galaxy together.

…a Chinese woman with one leg…(Irene)

Back in college I knew a girl named Liisa, and we would often refer to her as “Liisa with two eyes” to differentiate her from all the one-eyed Lisas we knew. No joke here, I just haven’t thought about Liisa with two eyes in ages until I saw this. Carry on.

A dog with no legs?
Don’t call him anything; it’s not like he can come over to be petted.

A herd of cattle with no legs?
Ground beef

A herd of masturbating cattle?
Beef strokin’ off

A cow with epilepsy?
Beef jerky

A cow that gave birth?

An abortion in Prague?
A cancelled Czech

Cigarette; twice a day you put on his leash and take him out for a drag.

What’s worse than a truck load of dead babies?
Unloading it with a pitchfork.

Why did they bury the fireman behind the hill?

Because he was DEAD!

The way I heard it was:
What’s the difference between a truckload of dead babies and truckload of bowling balls?
You can’t unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Please don’t make disparaging comments about accents.


I once knew a soccer referee named Lsa. We used to taunt. “If you had one more eye, you’d be a cyclops.”

Okay. Not really.

I call my first dog “Hickory” - he has a rough bark.
I call my other dog “Street Vendor” - he does his business on the sidewalk.

I call my first dog Oscar - he’s wild
I call my other dog Thornton - he’s wilder.

I call my dog “Liberace,” because he’s the pianist.

Three southern woman sitting in the hair salon talking about the pet names for their men.

First woman says “I call my man Southern Comfort, cos he’s a big man and he keeps me warm all night in bed”

Second woman’s says “I call my man Budweiser cos his name is Buddy and he’s the wisest man I ever met”

Third women says “I call my man Drambuie, cos he is one hell of a fancy licker”

So I says to God I says, How you so omniscient?

And God says, I know right?

I like my coffee how I like my slaves.


My grief counselor died recently…

Luckily he was so good I didn’t give a damn.

I like my woman how I like my coffee.

Tied up in a burlap sack and thrown over the back of a donkey.