When I was little, the line was ‘Your butt is as big as a B-52.’
IQs:
Did you know that elephants can grow up to 11 feet?
But most just have 4.
What game should you never play with an elephant?
Squash!
Why do elephants need trunks?
Because they don’t have handbags.
How do you raise a baby elephant?
With a forklift!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and an elephant?
Giant holes all over the Australian continent.
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
You take away their credit card!
Who is beautiful, gray, and wears glass slippers?
Cinderellaphant.
What is big, green, hangs in a tree, and has a trunk?
An unripe elephant.
Why do elephants never forget?
Because nobody ever tells them anything!
How do you get down from an elephant?
You can’t; you only get down from a duck.
Almost certainly been posted earlier in the thread, but:
How do elephants hide in cherry trees?
They paint their toenails red.
How come you never see elephants hiding in cherry trees?
'Cos they’re really good at it.
What’s grey and comes in quarts?
This appeared right in the middle of a Science Times article about some people who found a frog with a mushroom growing out of its ear:
“But even though the frog was alive and seemingly well at the time of the discovery, there’s no way of knowing without investigating further whether the fungus was negatively affecting the animal or whether it was in danger of croaking.”
Here is a link to the article:
What’s gray, has big ears and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.
My wife asked me what “mansplaining” means.
Now what am I supposed to do?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of university, “what starting salary are you expecting?”
The engineer replies, “$200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer says, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, full medical and dental, gym membership, all meals provided and a Lamborghini company car to use?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow, are you kidding?!”
The interviewer says, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Proof that marijuana is better than alcohol:
Five drunk guys will start a fight.
Five stoned guys will start a band.
A Bartender is teaching a class on bartending and is taking role call.
“Ok, people, Every year I give everyone a alcohol-based nickname so it’s easier to call off.”
“Jim” - “Here!” “You’re whiskey” the Teacher says.
“Morgan” - “Here!” “You’re Rum” .
“Anne” - No response .
“Well I guess I’ll mark her as absinthe”.
Never get a crush on a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
What did the sun say after melting Frosty the Snowman?
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Monopoly is a fun game but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.
There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism.
I was trying to think of past Republicans similar to Marjorie Taylor Greene
But they just Palin comparison.
How do you know Joe Biden is a neoliberal?
He’s always talking about his one black friend.
My girlfriend broke up with me at our favorite date spot. I was so shocked and heartbroken I got up and immediately stormed out the door.
And that’s how I fell off the Ferris wheel.
A neurosurgeon in a trauma center specialized in brain injuries.
One day a patient came in who had a traumatic brain injury that had completely destroyed the left side of his brain.
The neurosurgeon tested his patients with certain questions to gauge their cognitive abilities. He asked the patient to count to ten. “2, 4, 6, 8, 10”, the patient responded. Interesting, the neurosurgeon thought.
Then a patient with the right side of his brain completely destroyed came in. The neurosurgeon asked him to count to ten. “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”. Interesting, the neurosurgeon thought.
A few days later there was some commotion as a new brain injury patient was brought in. The responders who brought him in said “he’s lost 99% of his entire brain, yet somehow he’s still conscious!”
The neurosurgeon was intrigued. He asked the patient to count to ten.
“I am the best at counting to ten you’ve ever seen. I will count to ten like nobody’s business. When I was a little kid I had a teacher, big strong guy, who came up to me with tears in his eyes, and said ‘I’ve never seen anybody count to ten as well as you just did”.
Nice one! 
I loved it too!
never mind.
mmm
Bravo, solost! I am definitely stealing this one!
My girlfriend asked me where I was taking her for Valentine’s Day?
Apparently “from behind” was not the answer she was looking for!
A couple were in a busy shopping center in Dublin just before Christmas.
The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit. After getting through the line, Paddy wasn’t back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, “Where are you?” He said, " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn’t afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you." Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up - “Yes, I do remember that shop,” she whispered", to which he replied, “I’m in the pub next to that.”
Chuck Norris does not cheat death.
He wins fair and square.
My sister hates Scrabble so much…
…she can’t even put it into words.
What do you call Putin smoking a joint?
Vlad the Inhaler.
I got a crappy birthday present—-a dictionary with the front and back pages missing.
Things just went from bad to worse.
Do you know a joke about sodium?
Na.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
What’s it called when a crab is walking to it’s part time job?
A side hustle.
Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy?
Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation.
I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids…
Apparently she left me two days ago.
What’s God’s favorite musical chord?
G sus
I used to be a scuba diving instructor.
But, deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
People who like escargot…
…aren’t into fast food.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
What do you call a belt made up of wristwatches?
A waist of time.