I remember a first-year university calculus course - first day the Prof fills three blackboards full of equations. The class in a panic and confusion desperately copies it all into their notebooks. After 30 minutes of this the Prof finally stops, and for the first time actually acknowledges that there are students in the room, and says “of course, you don’t have to know this for this course but I thought you would find it interesting”
I guess I understood it after all. I thought there might be more to it than that.
Might have helped if I’d ever taken a college-level math class.
mmm
That’s actually the situation in a typical college geography department – the physical geographers need expensive research equipment, while the human geographers’ serious expense is usually only travel, and for some of them not even that.
All entrants in the National Yodeling Competition:
Please form an orderly, orderly, orderly queue.
A college professor is giving his students a test
At the start of the exam, the Professor says, “You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed.”
Two hours later, the Professor calls out, “Time’s up, Ladies and Gentlemen.”
One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the Professor has all the collected papers in a large stack front of him. Slowly, the student finishes up and walks over to hand in his paper, but the Professor refuses to accept it. The student puffs up his chest and says:
“Do you have any idea who I am?”
“No,” says the Professor.
“Great,” says the student as he slips his paper into the middle of the stack.
A college professor dies, and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where he is met by St. Peter.
Peter tells the professor that he can choose to go to Heaven or Hell. The Professor, somewhat confused, asks to see Hell first.
St. Peter takes him there. He sees rows of men and women typing at keyboards nonstop.
He then asks to see Heaven. Again, he sees rows of men and women typing at keyboards.
The Professor says that they seem the same.
St. Peter replies “Ah, but in Heaven, you have tenure.”
Kermit the Frog decided to become a college professor.
His lectures are ribbiting.
My college professor makes extra money by forcing his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.
It’s textbook Economics.
This actually happened to me at the local community college. Buy the book which was required for the class. The instructor was the author so he got a “kick back”. First day of class he would make you tear out a page and hand it in as part of a required assignment. Then, because the book was damaged the book store would not buy it back.
Apparently this went on for many years until a new college president took over and he was forced to retire or else face some sort of criminal charges. Anyways, when my cousin went there a few years later he was gone.
Four reasons why I curse:
- Because I fucking want to.
- Because I fucking can.
- Because I don’t give a fuck.
- Because my mom isn’t around.
I say, I say, why do seals swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What’s an ironic name for a snitch?
Chantelle.
I went to the park yesterday to play Frisbee with my dog. It was terrible!
I think I need a flatter dog.
My biggest issue at work is, a lot of the time I feel like I’m not making progress:
I’ve had days where in my entire 8-hour shift I’ve not completed a single level on Candy Crush.
Did you know that seventeen thousand elephants were needed to make billiard balls each year?
Think how such big beasts can be taught such exciting work.
Great Scott! I’ve forgotten who wrote “Ivanhoe”.
I’ll tell you if you tell me who the Dickens wrote the "Tale of Two Cities”.
Why does an elephant have a trunk?
Because he does not have a glove compartment.
A man drove for twenty years and never had a complaint from a backseat driver. Why?
Because he drove a hearse.
Mrs. Flea, why do you look so sad?”
Mrs. Flea replied, “My children are all going to the dogs.”
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Did you ever see the Catskill mountains?
No - but I’ve seen them kill mice.
Do you have a watermelon patch?
No - is the melon leaking?
Waitress to young man’s girlfriend: “Would you like your rice fried or boiled”?
Neither - I want it thrown.
Doctor - I feel like a deck of cards.
Sit over there - I’ll deal with you later.
Doctor - what’s the best thing to take when you feel run down?
The license number of the car that hit you.
Doctor - I get fat in certain places. What should I do?
Stay away from those places.
Doctor - I can’t sleep at night. What should I do?
Sleep during the day.
Doctor - how do I avoid falling hair?
Step out of the way.
Doctor - I have amnesia. What should I do?
Go home and forget about it.
Doctor - I feel like a twenty-dollar bill. What should I do?
Go and do some shopping - the change will do you good.
Was it at Southampton College?
Also, time’s fun when you’re having flies.
Putin arrives at an airport and comes to the customs desk.
Customs officer: Name?
Putin: Vladimir Putin.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.
I was at the airport carousel and my suitcase was uglier than all the others.
It was a worst case scenario.
As I was buying my airline ticket the agent said “window or aisle?”
I said “you’ll what?”
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual.
I said I just paid $6 for a bottle of water, let’s start with that.
What do you call a baby who got his diaper changed before boarding?
Duty free.
“Doctor, I think I’m going deaf.”
Doctor: “Describe the symptoms.”
“Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair…”
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.
The judge looks down at her and asks, “First offender?”
The woman replies, “Nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender.”
What’s a horses favorite wine?
Chardonneigh.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; we just get better with age.
The next day she locked me in the cellar.
What do you call a really fast sheep?
A lamb-orghini.
Mommy, mommy - when will we reach Europe?
Shut up and keep paddling.
Mommy, mommy - why do I always walk in circles?
Shut up, or I’ll nail you other foot to the floor.
Mommy, mommy - why is Daddy running so fast?
Shut up, and reload.
Mommy, mommy - I hate my sister’s guts.
Shut up, and eat what’s put in front of you.
Mommy, mommy - can I play in my sandbox?
Not until we find a better place to bury Grandpa.
Mommy, mommy - can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, mommy - I don’t want my hair braided.
Shut up and lift the other arm.
A young man walks into a pharmacy and approaches the lady pharmacist behind the counter.
He asks, “What can you give me for an erection lasting more than 4 hours?”
She replies, “Let me consult with my sister in the back room.”
When she returns, she tells him, “The best we can offer is $20,000 cash and a half interest in the pharmacy.”
As the pharmacist was returning from lunch one day, he noticed a man sitting on the bench in front of the store who looked to be ailing and very uncomfortable.
Entering the pharmacy, he asked his assistant about the gentleman.
“Oh, that’s Mr. Jones. He came in here looking for cough medicine, but we’re out, so I sold him some Exlax.”
The pharmacist exclaimed, “Exlax won’t do anything for a cough!”
His assistant replied, “I don’t know about that, look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”
Edited for typo.
Guy walks into a pharmacy and says “This medicine you sold me isn’t doing anything!”
The pharmacist reviews the prescription, suppositories to be inserted twice daily, and asks the man if he’s been using the medicine according to the instructions.
Guy says “Of course I have, whaddya think I’ve been doing, shoving 'em up my ass?”
I was visiting London when I had a severe itch, so I went to a pharmacy.
Me: What do you have for itchy skin?
Pharmacist: Aloe.
Me: Sorry, hi. What do you have for itchy skin?
A doctor asks his patient during a checkup “having any problems with anything you want to tell me about?”
The patient says “well doc, I have been farting a lot, but I don’t know if it’s really a big deal since they’re always silent and don’t smell at all. In fact, I farted 20 times since I’ve been in your office, and I bet you didn’t notice at all”.
The doctor says “hmmmm….I’m going to write you a prescription and I want you to come back in a week”.
A week later the patient says “doc, I don’t know what those pills you prescribed me were, but not only am I farting more than ever, my farts, while still silent, now have the most awful, terrible, eye-watering stench”.
The doctor said “great, we cleared up your sinuses! Now let’s work on improving your hearing”.
Help! I fell in the basement of a French bakery.
I’m in so much pain right now.
They say there are no canaries on the Canary Islands, and on the Virgin Islands it’s the same story.
There are no canaries there, either.
How do we know a balloon laughs when it pops?
Because it goes HeHeHeHeHeHeHe.
I say, I say, why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the other tide.
What did Julius Caesar say when he went to the strip club?
Veni, vidi, veni.
Another Pharmacist joke-
Billy had a date with a girl who rumor had it she was “easy” Being a smart young man he thought he should buy some protection and went to the local pharmacy.
Slowly he walked back to the pharmacist and the pharmacist asked what Billy needed. Billy said he needed to buy a condom. The pharmacist said “well you’re in luck young man, I am running a special, 3 for dollar”. Billy thought if he gets lucky once he might get lucky a few more times and says he will take the special.
The pharmacist rings him up and says “that will be a dollar seven including tax”. Billy exclaims loudly “tacks, why do I need tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!”
Better said out loud than read.
Fooled me! I thought your joke was going to be this old one…
Billy walked into the local pharmacy. The pharmacist asked “can I help you, young man?”
“Yeah, I’ve been dating this hot girl from my school for a couple months now, and she’s been driving me crazy because she hasn’t given it up yet. But tonight she’s inviting me to meet her parents before we go out, and I think later tonight’s going to be the big night! So I need some condoms.”
“Ok, would you like a 3 pack or a dozen?”
“Better make it a dozen- I want to make up for lost time tonight!”
Later Billy meets his girlfriend at her front door. “I’m a little nervous to meet your parents”, he admits. “Your dad’s not, like, a cop or a navy seal, is he?”
“No, he’s just the town pharmacist”.
Alternate version:
Billy goes into the pharmacy, looks around, then goes to a rack with inspirational/religious books, picks one out and buys it.
At dinner that evening, his date’s father says how happy he is that Billy is a fine, god fearin’ young man. Later, his date gets him aside and demands to know just what that was all about. “You didn’t tell me you’re a freaking bible thumper!” Billy retorts, “And you didn’t tell me your father is the town pharmacist!”