I stopped by my Tobacconist only to discover his shop had been replaced with a Haberdashery.
Once again, clothes, but no cigar.
Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could drive.
What did Shakespeare call his shower?
McBath.
What do you call someone who is happy on a Monday?
Retired.
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
If I ever win the lottery I’ll give some of the money to Charity.
.And if she isn’t dancing that night I’ll give some to Destiny.
Bible study:
Adam was the world’s first accountant.
He turned a leaf, and made an entry.
Noah was the world’s first (male) financier.
He floated a loan while the rest of the world was in liquidation.
Pharaoh’s daughter was the world’s first (female) financier.
She took a prophet from a rush on the bank.
Did you hear about the guy who evaporated?
He was mist.
What pronouns does chocolate use?
Her/she.
What pronouns does the gold miner use?
Them/thar.
A PDQ Bach song involves misplaced commas.
Put the Yule long, Uncle John… Put the Yule log on Uncle John.
Put the pickle down, Uncle John… Put the pickle down Uncle John.
Hear the hall clock strike, Uncle John… Hear the hall clock strike Uncle John.
IIRC, it’s on the same collection of “Christmas” songs that included “O Little Town of Hackensack”.
…and Good King Kong Looked Out.
What do you call a sodium-free banana?
A ba.
Did you hear that the SDBM is using post content, to train AI?
With that said, crunchy ice cream because the bones are purple when a hat goes bark. If not for never, when will follow complete? Yes’nt sound drains the beholder of fuzzy water-slide lingo.
Do you spare a beaver for tenth? Hello, Opal.
A shop assistant in my town stopped a robbery by attacking the guy with a labeling gun.
The cops are looking for a dude…with a price on his head.
What do Sports and Porn have in common?
Both are watched by millions of men around the world who couldn’t engage in that type of action if they wanted to.
Did you hear that Salami just got out of the hospital?
It’s cured meat.
I was dating a girl with a lazy eye but I broke up with her.
She was seeing someone on the side.
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Five out of six people agree…
…that Russian Roulette is safe.
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.
One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.
One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.
Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied.
“What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.”
Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!”
The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
Why did the vampires lose their baseball game?
Their bats flew away.
I say, I say, I thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned.
That’s gold!
Hah!
You could at one point buy boxes of Hershey chocolate bars to announce a baby’s gender - like handing out cigars with pink or blue bands on them. They had an over-wrapper that exposed just the relevant letters of the name, e.g. herSHEy or hersHEy. I may have seen them for sale at Chocolate World (or maybe not), but someone at my office brought them in once.
I’ve also seen wrappers with either “HERESHEIS”, or “HEREHEIS”.
The cannibal coach was fired.
He couldn’t decide between the raw rookie and the seasoned veteran.
The lepers had to cancel their hockey game.
There was a face off in the corner.
“Mrs Jones - can Johnny come out to play?”
You know he has no arms or legs.
“That’s OK - we just want to use him for second base.”
Why does no one own an Xbox in Pennsylvania?
Because it’s always Sony in Philadelphia!
The bloke who scanned my items at the supermarket was rude, unhelpful and smelled like he’d been drinking.
That’s the last time I use the self checkout.
A cardiologist’s car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed.
After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,
“Here’s what I don’t understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?”
The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, “Try it with the engine running.”
Q) How many witch doctors does it take to change a lightbulb??
A) Into what??
What’s the difference between a plum and a rabbit?
They’re both purple, except for the rabbit.
Not having read all 4495 posts to ensure this wasn’t already mentioned, I’ll list it here:
Guy goes into a stall in a train station men’s room. After a couple minutes, he realizes there’s no toilet paper in the stall so he knocks on the wall between his stall and the next. “Hey, buddy, there’s no t.p. in here - can you slip me some?”
Guy says, “Sorry, there’s none in here, either.”
First guy says, “Ok, do you have a bit of newspaper I could have?”
Second guy says, “Sorry, don’t have any newspaper.”
First guy says, “Ok, how about two fives for a ten?”
A gynecologist got really tired of his profession, and decided to become an auto mechanic.
The final exam was a rebuild of a car engine.
The gynecologist got his grade back, he scored 150 on the final.
He approached the instructor, and said he didn’t understand the score.
The instructor said, “You got 50 points for the tear-down, 50 points for the rebuild, and I gave you 50 extra credit point for doing it all through the tailpipe!”
A man has his first appointment with a psychologist. He says “Doc, I think I’m losing my mind. I keep thinking that I’m a tent. Today I woke up convinced that I was a circus tent. Then later I thought I was a pup tent. Then I was a circus tent again, then I was a pup tent. Can you help me?”
The psychologist says, “I’m going to prescribe a sedative for you.”
The man says “A sedative? How will that help?”
The psychologist says, “Well, your problem is, you’re two tents.”
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar.
The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a drink.” Second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
He enters the bar, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” The man replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok, then come on in.”
The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He enters and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “WTF? They gave me a chihuahua?!?”
Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can’t handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.
If bigger shoes means a bigger penis, and bigger car means a smaller penis. Well…
… I think I know why some people are afraid of clowns.
I say, I say, what do you call the ruler of potato chips?
Sultan Vinegar.
My son-in-law wants everyone to know he’s starting an eraser company.
He really wants to get the word out.
Two Baldavians were walking in the woods and started arguing over a set of tracks.
The first said, “Those are moose tracks.”
The second said, “Those are deer tracks.”
While they were arguing, the train hit them.