More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
4512

I got fired from my job in the BDSM Dungeon.

I had hoped to be suspended for awhile.

What flies and has five wheels?

A bird with five wheels glued on.

What makes you go at Red and stop at Green?

Eating watermelon.

My brother-in-law’s forehead is so big…

…his dreams are in IMAX.

A toothless guy goes to the dentist to finally get some dentures.

After several appointments he finally has a beautiful new set of teeth. But only a few months later, he’s back at the dentist saying there’s a problem. The dentist looks and his mouth and is shocked: both plates are so corroded the damage is irreversible.

“How on earth did this happen?” Asked the dentist. The patient bashfully explained, “I have to confess, I REALLY love hollandaise sauce. It’s actually how I lost all my real teeth. But I had no idea it would affect dentures too.”

The dentist just couldn’t believe this could be possible and said, “it must be a defect, dentures are supposed to be a lot stronger than that. I’ll have them remade for free.” So he puts in for another pair and a couple weeks later the patient has the replacement.

But again, only a few months later, the guy is back at the dentist with the same problem. The dentist can’t believe what he is seeing. “It’s got to be the hollandaise doing this, you’d better stop eating it,” he tells the guy. “I’m sorry, I can’t. I love it too much,” the patient replied.

The dentist thought for a bit and then said, “tell you what, if you don’t mind a silver smile I’m going to have the plates remade out of chrome. The acids shouldn’t affect that.” To his surprise the guy agreed right away, and soon the chrome plates arrived. “I want to see you back here in a few months, whether or not they’re holding up,” the dentist ordered.

So in a few months the guy returned, and the dentist was delighted to look in his mouth and see a perfect, shiny set of chrome dentures that looked as new as the day the patient got them.

“Well, you know what they say,” the satisfied dentist said, “there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise.”

4513

Whenever anyone asks me if I can sing, I say I’m a tenor.

As in, whenever I start to sing, I’m told tenor more times to shut up.

4514

4515

Who did Anne Hathaway get her cosmetics from?

The Avon lady of Avon.

4516

It has been said that a million monkeys pounding on a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare.

Thanks to the Internet we now know this is not true.

4517

When a psychic showed me the girl I’ll marry,…

… it was love at second sight.

There’s a new GPS out for birdwatchers.

It gives tern-by-tern directions.

When is a car driver not a car driver?

When he turns into a side road.

| once owned a car designed for twelve people.

One drove and the other eleven took turns pushing it.

What happened to the prisoner who died before his parole?

He was put into a halfway hearse.

4518

I gave a ride to a witch one night.

I knew she was a witch because she turned me into a motel.

4519

A blond girl calls her boyfriend at his job and asks him to leave work at lunchtime to spend the afternoon with her as she’s stressed over something. “Sure, I’ll be there in a few minutes,” he says.

“What’s the dope?” he asks, upon arriving at her residence.

“I’m trying to do this jigsaw puzzle of a tiger, but the pieces just aren’t fitting together, at all.”

I didn’t know you had any jigsaw puzzles, he thought, glancing at the tabletop.

“This puzzle is never going to fit together; you should let it go and then help me pick up these Frosted Flakes,” he sighs.

4520

Why are parents always harder on schoolgirls than boys?

'Cause girls always get an F in gender.

I told my mom I wanted to be Born Again.

She said, “That’ll tear me apart!”

I say, I say, what do you call it when two giant apes play table tennis using their penises?

King Kong ding dong ping pong.

Attractive women are looking for security.

I know because I talked to one and that’s what she called for.

I will be posting my jokes telepathically today.

If you think of something funny, that was me. You’re welcome.

4521

There’s a band called “1023 MB”.

They haven’t had any gigs yet.

4522

Well, they almost managed to get a gig when they demoed, but they were a bit off.

I know 1023 MB is a byte short, not a bit, but I couldn’t get byte to work as a joke)

4523

I went to the bookstore to buy a book about turtles.

I asked for some help to find one at the service desk, and she said “Hard back?”, and I said “Yes, with little heads.”

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

Europe is like a fridge

You have the freezing cold part at the top.

Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection.

Then, down the bottom corner, there’s just turkey and grease.

I broke my finger today…

But on the other hand I am completely fine.

Joseph is doing a crossword at the table while his son is having breakfast.

Joseph: What is a five letter word for ‘wine’?

Son: Water.

Joseph: Very funny, Jesus.

4524

Did you byte off more than you could chew?

4525

:clap: :smile:

4526

Byte off more than you could chew?

Added: uh, on further reading, great minds ninja yada

4527

The oldest computer…

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program…

…they found out we have Navy Seals.

How did the doctor cure the invisible man?

He took him to the ICU.

What is Indiana Jones’ least favorite band?

The Rolling Stones.

My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping

He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.

In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….

But now is the winter of our disco tent.

4528

This one is a bannable offense. :wink:

4529

Reminds me of an oldie:

What did gold medal-winning Olympic downhill skier Picabo Street do after she retired from skiing?

She became an intensive care nurse, where she now answers the phone:

“Picabo, ICU”.

(Works better spoken, when it’s clear her first name is pronounced “peekaboo”).

4530

A bit dark for the Aviation thread, from The Onion’s real news section:

“Boeing Whistleblower Found Dead In Car Amid Depositions:
Former Boeing employee John Barnett was found dead in his car from an apparent “self-inflicted gunshot wound” on the day he was set to be cross-examined about allegations he’d made regarding the company’s grave safety breaches on the production line.”

“I guess you really are more likely to die in a car than a plane.”

4531

Her parents were weird hippies, who didn’t name her until she was old enough to talk, and let her name herself.