Cool! Thanks, Prof.Palindrome 
T, solos
Not “T, solosT”? ‘T’ on?
Yeah, T, solost, you’re right. T for thanks.
Hey that was my punch line. “Why they throwing pebbles at the shore birds?”
I got in a car wreck when I was twenty-two. Hit a damn lake. I thought the road was slick.
State trooper sloshing up to my car asks me, “Have you been drinking?”
How many sober people do you know who slam into lakes?
“No, I ran out of gas. I could have made it across with a full tank.”
- Kenny Rogerson
I adopted a baby.
I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.
– Margaret Smith
I saw a subliminal advertising salesman.
But only for a second.
– Steven Wright
The older you get, you’re just too tired to care about the same things.
Rock concerts, I used to camp out for tickets.
Now you could tell me Barbra Streisand is playing for free down the street, and I’d say, “How far down the street? Let’s just stay here and watch the Discovery Channel.
C’mon, it’s Shark Week!”
– Kathleen Madigan
I think animal testing is a terrible idea.
They get very nervous and give all the wrong answers.
– Fry & Laurie
Eight hours into his trial a politician pleads guilty.
“Why didn’t you plead guilty at the beginning and save the court’s time?” the judge demanded.
“Well,” the politician responded, “until I heard all the evidence I thought I was innocent.”
How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
Billions and billions!
Your days are numbered!
It’d be weird if they were alphabetized.
I say, I say, how does a Buddhist give up?
He throws in the Tao.
Hey, baby, can we do a 69 tonight?
How about we do an 11 and a 630 instead?
What’s that?
Well, 11 is where we both lie on our own sides of the bed and sleep, and 6:30 is when I get up in the morning.
“How about we try a 96?”
“…wait, how would that work?”
“Well, we’d get another couple to help out.”
I used to have a girlfriend who was particularly fond of 68. “You do me and I’ll owe you one!”
“Happy Birthday, Grandma! 69 today?”
“No, dear. Grandpa threw his back out.”
It’s so weird all the different names they have for groups of animals.
They have pride of lions, school of fish, rack of lamb . . .
- Ellen DeGeneres
In L.A. we get coyotes in our garbage cans.
Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night,
and they go anywhere there’s food.
- Billy Crystal
__
If you look at a platypus, you think that God might get stoned—
“Okay, let’s take a beaver and put on a duck’s bill. Its a mammal, but it lays eggs. Hey, Darwin! Kiss my ass!”
- Robin Williams
You know why fish are so thin?
They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld
There is nothing funny about dogs playing poker.
There is nothing remotely cute about animals with gambling problems. If you look closely at those paintings, you can tell that most of those dogs are playing with money they can’t afford to lose. And sadder still, it takes seven of their dollars to make one of ours.
- Dennis Miller
Years ago, my mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”.
She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, bought another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.
“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian."
My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn’t likeable.
It was an autobiography.
I gave my wife a jar of pickles instead of flowers
They say love is brined.
What sound does Harry Potter’s Nimbus 2000 make?
Broom, broom!
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the giraffe, and one to throw brightly colored
power tools into the bathtub.
A fish.
I really hate boiling water every time I want to make pasta.
So I boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week, and freeze it for later.
I had an aunt who would freeze some pasta water and then add a little to the soups she would make. I guess the starch in the water would make the texture of the soup “smoother” ?
Reminds me I need to try this sometime next time I make spaghetti to save some water for when I make soup.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.
- Steven Wright
My friends have a baby. All you hear is, “You’ve got to come over and see the baby!”
Nobody ever wants you to come over to see their grandfather. “He’s so cute, a hundred and sixty-four pounds and four ounces. He’s a thousand months. He went to the bathroom by himself today.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
I went to the bar to have a few drinks.
The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?”
I said, “Surprise me.”
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I stuff my bra.
So if you get to second base with me, you’ll find that the bases are loaded.
- Wendy Liebman
I don’t understand camping.
Maybe it’s because I’m from New York, where we call it homeless. I am not leaving my
apartment to go lay outside.
- Karen Williams
I’m a great hunter.
The other day I went hunting for ducks, and the decoy got away.
I know a guy with insomnia so bad…
…he can’t even sleep when it’s time to get up.
The ship was sinking.
The captain called the passengers and crew together and asked, “Is there anybody here who can really pray?”
One passenger said, “I pray all the time.”
The captain said, ““That’s terrific, because we’re short one life preserver.”
He led her closely as they moved around the dance floor.
After the fifth time he’d stepped on her toes, he said, “I can’t understand it. I never danced so badly before.”
“Oh,” she said, “you’ve danced before?”
“How’s your wife doing at her ballet lessons?”
“Great! She’s improving by leaps and bounds.”
Just copied from facebook :-
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out – we don’t serve your type.”
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar – fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
A Thesaurus ambles, saunters, steps, strides, strolls, and treads into a bar.
A future pluperfect tense will have walked into a bar by the time you read this.