An interjection walks into a bar. ‘Ouch!’.
Why is nostalgia like grammar?
We find the present tense and the past perfect.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Joker to Batman: “Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?”
“Yeah, sure.”
Joker: “Ok, parental love”.
Batman: “I don’t get it…”
“Exactly.”
For our 25th anniversary, I took my wife to Hawaii…
…and for our 26th I plan to go back and get her.
I say, I say, what do you call a single kernel of corn?
A uni-corn.
Last year I bought my wife a burial plot for her birthday.
She asked me the other day what I’m getting her for her birthday this year.
I said, “Nothing, you didn’t use what I gave you last year.” 
You look like a million bucks!
Green and wrinkled.
You look melancholy.
You have a head like a melon and a face like a collie.
Everyone was feeling merry
So Mary left.
A six year old girl came home from her first day at school.
“What did you learn today?” asked her father.
“Nothing,” she replied, “I have to go back tomorrow.”
The boxer fought like a great baseball pitcher.
At the end of the fight he had a no-hitter.
When I was booted off my last job the Boss said I had been like a son to him…
…loud, rude and insolent.
My wife makes the budget work.
We go without a lot of things I don’t need.
Did you know bees become indecisive after April?
They become maybees.
Why do so many women fake orgasms?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
How is being at a singles bar different from the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t speak.
A handsome guy goes into the hospital for some minor surgery and, the day after the procedure, a friend stops by to see how he is doing.
The friend is amazed at the number of nurses who come by the room with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give him back rubs, etc.
“Why all the attention?” the friend asks. “You look fine to me.”
“I know!” grins the patient. “But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches.”
The teacher says to her class, “On Monday you’re going to have a five-hour exam.”
Mario, the class wise guy, says, “Five hours? What if I’m exhausted from sex?”
“Then write with your other hand.”
My mom told me nobody will want to buy the cow if you give away the milk for free.
And I didn’t give away any milk, not one free drop. But no one has bought the cow. And now the milk’s not as fresh as it used to be and every man I meet is lactose intolerant.
The village where I live is really posh. We have the only Kentucky Fried Pheasant in the country.
34 and 36 walk into a diner.
They split a sandwich. Later, they both came out of the diner as 35’s.
One says to the other, “That was a mean sandwich.”
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What can I get you two?”
A man goes into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender asks, “Hey, buddy, what’s that about?”
The frog replies, “I have no idea. It started out as a bump on my ass.”
Do you know why they call them baby boomers?
The tiniest prick to their egos, and boom! They’re babies.
A woman who lost four husbands through the years was married first to a banker, then an actor, then a preacher and finally an undertaker.
When asked about the unusual variance in her spousal occupations she replied, “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”
Would somebody please 'splain that to me?
Yes, I googled.
From wiki:
U2 are an Irish rock band formed in Dublin in 1976. The group consists of Bono (lead vocals and rhythm guitar), the Edge (lead guitar, keyboards, and backing vocals), Adam Clayton (bass guitar), and Larry Mullen Jr. (drums and percussion).
The real name of the Edge is David Howell Evans.
(I also had to look it up. I figured it out from ‘you two’).
Thanks for that. I didn’t delve far enough into google land I guess. I just found two singers. I have heard of the band U2, but had no idea Bono was involved.
I rate this joke as just average.
A metaphor walks into an oasis.
An ellipsis walks into a…
A homonym walks into Bill Barr.
A surrealist walks into rebar.
A namedropper walks into Barbara Streisand.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A dyslexic klaws into a bar.
Rev. Spooner balks into a war.
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
Prison may be just one word:
But to others, it’s a whole sentence.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym for…
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
If April Showers bring May Flowers, then what do May Flowers bring?
Smallpox.
How do you support a werewolf’s YouTube channel?
Lycan subscribe.
Heard that one (better spoken than written) as
If April Showers bring May Flowers, what do May Flowers bring?
‘Smallpox’ is brutal.
Now that’s just mean.