Virginity is like a balloon.
One prick, and it’s gone forever.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger asks, “Who?”
The cabby explains, “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabby: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
I just found out I have a talent for chess.
I just won three out of five games against my dog.
Life has just become a series of events reminding me that I’m getting old.
I was at a restaurant the other day and a really young beautiful server carrying a tray caught my attention. Then it dawned on me I was looking at the food.
If everyone in the world suddenly started wearing clogs…
Chaos wooden shoe.
This year my son receives his doctorate degree in creative writing and I’m planning on buying him a car.
Because we’re pretty sure he’s going to become an Uber driver. Gotta prepare him for his future.
I say, I say, Why don’t we ever tell secrets on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
The cows will have herd.
My son is aiming to be a professional musician, and asked me how to make money in the industry - I said ‘Get a big hat’.
Folk singer Joe Jenks went to a music conservatory, and says that the school should have offered forklift-driving lessons. Because then the graduates could get jobs.
Once upon a time there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying, and asked “What’s wrong?”
She stopped her sobbing and asked the well “You can talk?”
“Yes,” said the well. “Long ago, the witch who lives in this town gave me life so I could serve as a guardian to the townspeople.”
“Alas,” said the young woman. “I am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the townsfolk for many years. But the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the people up against her, and they burned her at the stake. I am young and still do not know very much magic. I tried to curse them, but my curses fizzled. Now I worry I will never avenge my mother’s death.”
“Do not be afraid,” said the well. “I will take care of this.”
The next morning, when the Mayor came to fetch water from the well, he heard an odd noise coming from the bottom. He peered over as far as he could to see what was happening. Then an impossibly long arm shot up from the bottom of the well, grabbed the mayor, and pulled him into the well shaft. There was a horrible crunching sound, and nobody ever saw the Mayor again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter, and they all lived happily ever after.
Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge.
Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?
Cancer.
I call my toothpaste “Death”…
…then I tell women, “I had a brush with Death this morning.”
What is the difference between Pokemon Go and Tinder?
On Pokemon Go you swipe up to try and capture fake characters in a virtual world. On Tinder, you swipe right.
I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts.
After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled. We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.
At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face. “Now THAT’S a door bell!”
Stealing that…
A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm.
His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, “It’s chicken wire and I’m going to catch some chickens.”
“You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”
Later that night, the neighbor sees the guy walking down the street dragging twelve chickens.
The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks.
“You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape.”
Sure enough though, later that night, the neighbor sees the guy walking down the street dragging twelve ducks behind him.
The next day, he sees the guy walking down the street with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.
“It’s pussy willow.”
“Hold on, let me get my hat.”
Mrs. Ludwig: “How’s your sex life?”
Mrs. Schultz: “Infrequent.”
Mrs. Ludwig: “Is that one word or two?”
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.
Karen said, “I call my husband ‘the dentist,’ because nobody can drill like he does.”
Joanne giggled and confessed, “I call my husband ‘the miner,’ because of his incredible shaft.”
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, “Well, what do you call your boyfriend?”
Kathy frowned and said, “‘The postman.’”
“Why the postman?” asked Joanne.
“Because, he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
My father wanted me to become a doctor, but I wanted to do something that required more imagination.
So we compromised, and I became a hypochondriac.
My best friend got a truck.
But she didn’t want to be trendy, so she got a UPS truck.
Laugh, but she can park it anywhere. Worldwide.
- Wendy Liebman
I have cats because they have no artificially imposed, culturally prescribed sense of decorum. They live in the moment.
If I had an aneurysm in the brain and dropped dead, I love knowing that, as the paramedics carry me out my cats are going to be swatting at that little toe tag
- Paul Provenza
Cats are smarter than dogs.
You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
- Jeff Valdez
Cindy Crawford said that she lost five pounds in the first three months of pregnancy
because she got morning sickness. But, of course, when you’re a supermodel with morning sickness, you’re throwing up for two.
- Jay Leno
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents.
I asked him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”
He said, “I don’t know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a child, I couldn’t wait for the first snowfall.
I would run to the door and yell, “Let me in! Let me in!” You know the deal.
- Emo Philips
“There I go again, rambling on”, I say, draping myself with yet another gold and onyx amulet sacred to Aries
You should feel gilty about that one.
There is a competition in my town as to who can stay on the top of a ladder the longest. My friend won 10 years in a row.
Finally……he decided to step down.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa.
I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping…
… with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
A sexist judges others on their sex. A racist judges others on their race.
I am an organist.
You shouldn’t see any horror movie this Friday.
It May, Fri 10 you.
What did Louis XV say to the idea of Protestantism in France?
“it’s a Huguenot from me!”
Hmm, then what’s a pianist?
I brought home my report card to proudly show I had received a ‘B’ in Reading. …
… but my Mom said, "you numbskull, that’s a ‘D’ !
I’m scared; recently several heavy metal fans have been knocking on my front door.
Windmills aren’t supposed to do that, right?
Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?
For example: 5 equals 5, but… 5! equals 120.
Why is a computer so smart?
Because it listens to it’s motherboard.
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you today?”
“At school.” The Robot slaps the son.
“Ouch! Okay, I was at a friends house.”
“What were you doing?”
“We were watching Kung Fu Panda.” The Robot slaps the son.
“Hey! All right, it was a porn film.”
“What?” says the dad, “Why, I didn’t even know what porn was when I was your age!”
The Robot slaps the dad.
“He’s certainly your son, all right,” says the mom.
The Robot slaps the mom.
A real mother would say: “ITS, not IT’S”!
I had to share that one.
Which apples are hip-hop?
Fugees.
I was arguing today with some guy who said he was a big pop star in the 90’s.
I didn’t believe him, but he was adamant.
What’s the easiest way to burn a 1000 calories?
Leave the pizza in the oven.
Getting over diarrhea isn’t the best feeling in the world…
…but it’s a solid #2 for sure.
A wise man once said, "It is better to say nothing at all.
An even wiser man didn’t say that.
I wouldn’t believe him either. He was dropped from MCA Records in 1990 and had limited pop success after that.