Three friends Shutup, Trouble, and Manners are walking through a forest
Trouble got lost so Shutup and Manners went to the police station. While Manners stays outside, Shutup goes to talk to a cop.
The officer on duty asks " What is your name, son?"
Shutup says “Shutup”
Cops replies" what!!! I’ll ask once more, what is you name?!?"
Shutup exclaims “SHUTUP!”
Cop asks " Are you looking for trouble?!?"
Surprised, Shutup says “Yes!”
Cop screams " WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?!?!"
Shutup: “Outside.”
This SDMB thread is very eco-friendly…
…most of the jokes are recycled.
So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck…
… And the ice cream man stops and says, “What can I get for you, Ma’am?” She says “Nothing, just wanted to tell you I’m vegan.”
Why wasn’t Thanos picked for jury duty?
Because he makes snap judgements.
Why did the crab cross the road?
It didnt, it used the sidewalk
Do hairdressers drink coif-y?
That was worth a share.
When do they have the Fourth of July in the UK?
On July 4.
Shakespeare walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry… you’re bard.”
Chat-up lines:
“I need someone really bad.
Are you really bad?”
Children certainly brighten a home.
They never turn off the lights.
On a movie:
“Viewer discretion is advised, but never expected.”
What does a shark eat with peanut butter?
Jellyfish!
Much as I’ve been enjoying this thread, so far “Psycho the Rapist” as a title, has been my favorite.
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, and most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going. First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm. Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you. And third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
There’s a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning.
He’s a Mass murderer.
Where do you learn how to make banana splits?
At sundae school.
A monkey, a chimp, a gorilla and King Kong try to take bananas from a coconut tree.
Who will get it?
Nobody! Coconut trees don’t grow bananas!
What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
Lately, my main yoga position has been downward spiral.
True story: I was once asked by a stoner standing patiently at the top of an up escalator when it would change direction and go down. (I just pointed him to the down escalator 20 feet to his right.)
Anne: Doctor, I’ll never lose weight. All day long I see food passing in front of my eyes.
Doctor: Well, stop daydreaming.
Anne: Who’s daydreaming?. I’m a checkout clerk in a grocery store.
Trudy: Judy, why are you still standing on the corner? Didn’t I tell you to take the 14th Street bus?
Judy: Sure, but so far only ten have gone by!
Jerry: Why on earth are you rubbing mashed potatoes in your hair?
Berry: Mashed potatoes? Oh, no! I thought it was cauliflower!
Lloyd: What’s today’s date?
Gerald: Why don’t you just look at that newspaper in your hand?
Lloyd: That’s no good—it’s yesterday’s paper.
Mr. Codger: Why, when I first came to this city, I was jobless, penniless, shoeless, and without a shred of clothing!
Interviewer: You mean …
Mr. Codger: That’s right! I was born here!
[I imagine this one dates to over 100 years ago!]
Before I came to New York City, I thought the streets were paved with gold!
Since coming here I’ve learned three things:
1/ the streets are not paved with gold
2/ the streets are not paved at all
3/ it was me who was to pave them
While decluttering, I found an old book 101 Computer Jokes. What a bargain - it actually had 1100101 jokes in it!
Lucky you, mine only had 0x65 jokes.
My boss calls me “the computer”:
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I heard that one of those “adult film” starlets was making a world record attempt in our town.
You know, the kind where she bumps uglies with as many men as possible in an hour.
Outraged, I went to see if I could do something about it. When I got to the hall where it was going on, I saw a queue of about 450 men waiting their turn. My stomach turned at the disgusting carnal display.
All of a sudden I was filled with righteous wrath and I set upon those lust-filled demons with the strength of twenty men. One after another the men in the queue were laid low by my mighty fists, as it was in the days of Samson.
And nobody was laughing when I was done. I guess I punched up the fuck line.
A man was pacing the waiting room in the maternity ward when a doctor approached him. The man could tell from the doctor’s demeanour something was not right.
‘I’ve just come form the delivery room,’ the doctor said ‘and I’m happy to tell you your wife and son are doing fine.’
‘Thank goodness,’ cried the man with relief. ‘Can I see them?’
‘Your wife is recovering, but I can take you to see your child.’ Replied the doctor. ‘But I should prepare you. There were…some complications.’
The man’s blood froze.
‘Your son is resting,’ continued the doctor ‘but physically, he is incomplete.’
The man was gripped by paternal love and responded with passion. 'He’s my child, I’ll hold him and he’ll hug me, and know he’s loved."
‘Um, yes. It’s just that…he was born without arms.’
The man was taken aback a moment, but his resolve only strengthened. ‘It doesn’t matter. We’ll go through life together, running and exploring side by side…’
‘Actually,’ interrupted the doctor, ‘he was born without legs,’
For a moment the man lost his composure.
‘Perhaps it’s best if I take you in to show you.’ continued the doctor.
The doctor escorted the man into a sectioned off room. The doctor gently pulled aside a partition curtain, and there the man saw a pillow, and nestled in the middle a little pink ear, wriggling. The man was taken aback, speechless. But from somewhere within, he drew on the love only a father can feel, and cried out ‘My son!’
‘It’s no use,’ said the doctor, laying a hand on his shoulder. ‘He’s deaf.’
I don’t understand the appeal of polygamy.
Not satisfying one woman is plenty for me.
Which country has the most undecided people?
Switcherland.
Many years ago a child was born with a strange deformity-- only the head, no body. It was a medical miracle that he even survived past childbirth.
His parents raised him the best they could, and he had a reasonably happy childhood under the circumstances.
On his 21st birthday his father took him to the local bar to share a beer with his boy. He set his son up with his head carefully propped on a pillow on the bar, and the bartender gave him a beer and a straw.
Suddenly, upon finishing his first beer, a torso sprang out from below his head! Father, son and bartender were all shocked. Quickly, another beer was ordered. And upon finishing the second beer, an arm sprang out! Another beer, another arm! A fourth beer and a leg appeared!
The excitement rose as one more beer was ordered. Another leg and the son would be complete. He quickly finished his 5th beer…and suddenly dropped dead.
The bartender sighed and sadly said…
“Shoulda quit while he was a head.”
Never mind, I just got it.
…Ah, OK, I see. It has to be read aloud, and the last name is relevant.
I told my son to wish upon a shooting star.
He said, “Dad, Alec Baldwin’s an actor, not a genie.”
The first rule of Passive Aggressive Fight Club is…
You know what, never mind. It’s fine.
Burnt toast is toast that is toast
All toast is toast but when it gets extra toasty it becomes toast that is toast.
What kind of cats bowl?
Alley cats.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because, at this point, I’d vote for it.