Eiffel over.
Kilometrey Cyrus.
It’s Nice.
It’s ok - it was removed and now he’s delighted.
Because it’s always Sony in Philadelphia!
But Microsoft is the Pitts.
Gardening joke!
A friend asked, How much weed barrier, is too much weed barrier?
Me, “If it keeps the former occupants of the cemetery land that you bought for real cheap because they only relocated the headstones - and I’m speaking totally hypothetically here - from rising up, then the more the better.”
Some jerk started pounding on my front door at 3:00 a.m.
It’s a good thing I was practicing my drumming or he would have woke me.
I keep getting notes saying , “Save the date.”
He yelled, “Donald Duck!”
…is a wife or death situation.
I called my girlfriend a two-bit whore and she hit me with a bag of quarters.
A blast from the past.
avers that one evening he brought home as food for his dog an Italian dish compounded of flour, cheese, and tomatoes. The thoughtful master tilted it against a door to make it more accessible for the lazy pooch. Then he summoned his wife and told her cheerfully, “There’s no longer any need for you to plan that sightseeing trip to Italy next summer.
Here, before your very eyes, is the leaning Pizza of ‘Towser.” Wow, sir!
a customer demanded lamb chops au gratin.
Wynn shouted to the kitchen, “Cheese it, the chops!”
“Who am I,” he asked, “‘to stone the first cast?”
Farmer’s daughter: I don’t recoil now.
““No longer can you accuse me of being a stick-in-the-mud, unwilling to take a chance. I have just burned my breeches behind me.”
All the above from Bennett Cerf’s Treasury Of Atrocious Puns.
Apparently, the answer was not supposed to be “finally show up on time”.
So I went to the park and soon found it reading a newspaper on a park bench. I asked it if it could explain quantum mechanics in 25 words or less. It thought for a minute before answering “Quack, quack, quack, quack!” and waddling away.
I then realized I was fooling myself all along - I was never going to even begin to understand anything like quantum mechanics.
Mt. Cleverest.
He gave her a ring.
So I hid all her tampons.
I think that “Quack, quack, quack, quack!” is duck for “25 words or fewer, fuckwit”
He clearly didn’t understand the duck since it was saying, “Quark, quark, quark, quark…”
With a tennis match.
Someone turned on the floodlights.
They always tank.
It was a No. 2.
Buy a deck of cards.
In another thread Bicycle_Bill posted this:
Speaking of chickens crossing the road… surely there’s a couple of people here who also remember this!
Great stuff, Bill!
“I didn’t know you had any dogs.”
“Oh, these aren’t my dogs; they’re my sister’s.”
“Well, you have ugly sisters.”
Bernadette.
And for those who like country music, denigrate means to put down.
Now I have gas money.
One is pho profit, and the other is naan profit.
How about:
“I didn’t know you had any dogs.”
“Oh, these aren’t my dogs; they’re my sister’s.”
“Well, your sisters are real bitches.”
McFee: Can’t be for me, then: my name’s McFee.
Juvenile delinquent: Nah—my ma told me never to talk to a stranger!
Customer: Yes. Give me an earful.
Waiter: Then it must be coffee. Our tea takes like dishwater.
Cassandra: Brotherly love?
He’d have never pulled out.
You can stop being a candidate? I didn’t know you could do that.
Donald is ranting about the 2020 election at a rally. “I can’t believe Biden is President! He got less votes that me!”
Vance corrects him. “Fewer.”
Donald whispers back. “I told you not to call me that in public!”
He was too far out, man.
I mean, the swimming is in Seine!
My wife just accused me of having absolutely no empathy whatsoever.
I just can’t understand how she could possibly feel that way.
To the thief who stole my anti-depressants:
I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY!
To the thief who stole my Microsoft software:
I’ll find you, you have my Word!
Deep Thoughts:
From the point of view of the poor innocent iceberg that the Titanic hit, the result of the ship sinking was justice.
Happy Birthday!
A twerk in progress.
Speak now or forever hold your pees.
A urinal.
Because the camera always adds 10 pounds.