I guess it’s better than “Happy Leap Day.”
Still better than “Is it February 29th already?”
well that’s rude, it deleted my quotes…
This has been a standard dad joke in our family for at least 50 years. Usually used when approaching a rest stop on the highway.
British people are like coconuts:
Hard on the outside, but sweet once you crack us.
Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.
How do you kill a guy with a coconut allergy?
You put a bounty on his head.
So this Limbo Champion walks into a bar…
and was immediately disqualified.
How much does it cost to get arrested for poaching?
A couple of bucks.
At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the Secret Service to remove a crying baby.
They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.
Kamala Harris has raised so much money that Clarence Thomas wants to vacation with her.
An Olympic gymnast walks into a bar.
and was disqualified.
What do you call an ape that wins at the Olympics?
A Chimpion!
My idiot cousin won a gold medal at the Olympics!
He had it bronzed.
Did you hear about the athlete who sadly announced that after trying out, he will not be competing in the Paris Olympics this summer?
He said, “Eiffel over too many times.”
Why does Africa never win the Olympics?
Because it’s a continent.
Snoop Dogg caries enormous blunt in the Olympic Parade.
The Olympic Torch
Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?
Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.
The British Olympics opening ceremonies had Queen Elizabeth II as a Bond girl; the French have a headless Marie Antoinette.
Different thoughts on how to treat royalty, mais oui?
The true identity of the masked torchbearer…
…will be revealed on the next episode of The Masked Singer.
One day I convinced my brother to swallow a torch.
It was worth it just to see his little face light up.
He’s all right, though; the torch was removed, and he’s delighted.
Scientists now believe that the success of the Olympics depends almost entirely on the 100m dash.
They call it the critical race theory.
The third option after burial or cremation:
My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess.
So I married here off to a stranger to strengthen the alliance with Poland.
Biden: "I’ve got six more months and Major can now bite anyone he wants.
If alcohol can damage your short term memory; imagine the damage alcohol can do.
The vet said my cat was licking his penis more than usual.
His own penis, not the vet’s.
Riker, “I’ve never understood why the French eat snails.?”
Picard, “We don’t like fast food.”
Picard, “I just read a list called: 100 things to do before you die.”
“I was really surprised that “Yell for Help” wasn’t one of them.”
AP Fact Check:
“No, the JD in JD Vance doesn’t stand for Jorken Depeanus.”
Spock, “What is the bird that you humans say brings babies?”
Kirk, “A stork.”
Spock, “Is there a bird that prevents babies?”
Kirk, “A swallow.”
That moment when you realize chickens were raised better than you.
Printed on a package of breast meat “Raised in a Stress Free Environment”
Being a parent is like jumping out of a plane with a bunch of people who don’t know how to open their own chutes.
So, you fly around doing it for them…
Then you hit the ground but you don’t die.
You get up and cook dinner.
Once you’ve figured out how to parent your first kid, it’s already too late. The only way to put that knowledge into practice is to have another kid.
Unfortunately, the second kid is so different from the first that none of the stuff you learned applies.
It’s a flawed system.
Odysseus, “We now set out on our great odyssey.”
Sailor raising hand, “What’s an odyssey?”
Odysseus, “A long journey named after its only survivor.”
Sailor, “Oh, ok, wait, what?”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Dog, “My owner has been gone for 0.02 seconds.”
911, “Have you tried eating the couch?”
Ted: My sister is a waterproof singer.
Ned: How’s that work?
Ted: No one can drown her out.
Teacher: What is the difference between the North Pole and the South Pole?
Student: All the difference in the world.
Floor manager: You’re new here, I see. What is your name?
John: John Lewis.
Manager: You should say “Sir” when you talk to me.
John. Oh, sorry. Sir John Lewis.
A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there.
“I’m here to fix the leaky pipe,” he announced.
“I didn’t call a plumber,” said the lady.
“What?” huffed the plumber. “Aren’t you Mrs. Snyder?”
“The Snyders moved out of this house a year ago,” explained the lady.
“How do you like that,” grunted the plumber, “they call you up and tell you it’s an emergency and then they move away."
Company president: Do you know what the motto of our company is?
New employee: Yes, sir. It’s Push!
Company president: Push! What gave you that idea?
New employee: I saw it printed on the front door when I came in.
They’re polar opposites.
An oldie but goodie:
How do you make a polar bear?
Take a rectangular bear and transform its coordinates.
A bear in Alaska and a bear in Wyoming both jump into a lake at the same time. Which one dissolves first?
The one in Alaska, because it’s polar
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
What’s a Star Wars fan’s favorite type of computer software?
Adobe Wan Kenobi.
A certain former POTUS has tentatively scheduled a rally in an arena in Inglewood California. But it will only take place if they can fill 75% of the seats.
They’ll need a Forum quorum to adore 'im.
Go to your room.
It would be Fabulous!
A ventriloquist walks into a bar and the man next to him says “ouch!”